Author Topic: good day for Gabrielle  (Read 2677 times)

Offline grenadetree.com

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good day for Gabrielle
« on: January 30, 2013, 12:03:18 AM »
It was going to be a good day for Gabrielle. The sun was shining brilliantly and it was cold. Puffs of misty breath stung Gabrielle’s drying face between thoughts. Gabrielle was driven, but at this moment her thoughts were slow and focused. Another puff of misty breath lapped across her face as memories dripped slowly from her mind. The warm sun and beating cold reminded her of a visit to her granddad’s cabin tucked deep away in the arctic forest when she was a child. It was going to be a good day.

   “Gabriel!” A sharp and very clear voice shot into her ear. Gabriel remembered the task at hand and chose not to adjust the volume. Another puff of foggy breath as a rush of air whipped violently through her hair.

   If you had met Gabrielle you would have seen in her face the expression of an individual driven singled mindedly by her beliefs. A child might mistake this demeanor as imposing. And a fool may see it as arrogance. It would take an individual of similar drive to perceive it for what it really was. Unfortunately for Gabrielle such company for her would often be hard to come by. A frosty breath lapped across her face. Luckily, today was one of those days. It was a sunny day. The rushing air had long passed now. Today was going to be a good day.
   Some might consider the meaning of life to be a belief worth exploration. Gabrielle dismissed such thought when she was still a child. If it was real, it would be sitting right in front of you. Like the trees and snow in an arctic landscape. And “If god did exist, it shouldn’t have made itself so damn hard to find.” What was real to Gabrielle was the task at hand. This time no breath came. Just an open mouth with frost covered teeth shimmering in the sun and gently reflecting refracted rays in her pale blue eyes.  
 
   Gabrielle’s task was nearly done and she knew it. She fought for control of her thoughts. She forced her grip to tighten against the cold. Needed to be calm. Relaxed. Things became suddenly slow. Sluggish and dark.

    “Gabrielle!” The voice tore through her mind and jarred her thoughts back to a controlled pace. “God damnit Gabrielle please respond!” The voice was louder this time.

   Still no breath. She probably could respond now. But she needed to be sure. She needed to wait. To be patient. She was driven, but she couldn’t rush. She could no more rush this then she could move the sun. Like a sunset, you must wait for the hints of a sunrise to let you know how much longer to hold out for its warm rays. Till then, she had to wait. It was going to be a good day.
   Then it came. Like the sound of a fresh can of soda being opened for the very first time producing a glorious hiss as if it had been waiting for you all along. The frozen hiss of inhalation. Gabrielle couldn’t hear it, but she could see it, and she felt it. It was the sign she had been waiting for.  

   Gabrielle would have released her grip but her frozen hands failed to respond to her commands. She settled on turning her head towards the sun. With her face unguarded she marveled at its beauty, gazed fixed. The man in her grip gawked. Even in the silence an observer would have recognized the expression of surprise and amusement on his face change to hysterical panic. He was easily two times Gabrielle’s size.

   But he mistook her for something else. He mistook her drive for something else. And in his panic the last screaming thought racing through his consciousness would have revealed to him his mind’s betrayal. But it was cut short by freezing bodily fluids crushing his brain like a grape between a child’s fingers.  
She released her first breath.
Slowly.

   Enjoying the sensation of the warm air fleeing her body through her frozen mouth. Her teeth cracked. She couldn’t see the sun anymore but with her gazed fixed in its magnificent glow she could feel it.

   “Gabrielle, we we…. love you, we… well. . . wewe we wouldn’t have made it. Thank you Gabrielle.. …..  Godspeed.”

   Her mind clouded over. She yielded to the vacuum of space and smiled a single glowing lonely smile no one would see. And whatever it was she faced, she was damn certain god’s speed had nothing to do with it. It was going to be a good day for Gabrielle.    

Offline fire-fly

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Re: good day for Gabrielle
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2013, 12:29:52 AM »
Hi grenadetree,

I see you are new to MWC, welcome.  :)

Maybe you would like to introduce yourself on our Welcome Board and tell us a bit about yourself

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0

And please take the time to read our etiquette guidelines here:

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7415.0

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Offline La Mouquette

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Re: good day for Gabrielle
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2013, 03:33:28 AM »
In advance of introducing yourself to welcome board, I noticed a few things, Grenadetree;

Inconsistency with spelling of Gabrielle- Gabrielle sometimes became Gabriel.

Too many adverbs.

The use of phrase 'task at hand' used twice and too close together.

I think God should be capitalized too.

Just needs an edit.  Enjoyed the read!   La M
A person without knowledge is like a flower with no scent.

Lin

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Re: good day for Gabrielle
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2013, 04:16:39 AM »
You write too remotely.  This means that you write from your point of view and not from the character.  The words you use are ALL telling and you must get inside the head of the character.  If you want to be a writer this is serious learning.  It is one of the most important features of a good story. All fiction writing should be character driven and not narrative from the author unless there is a darned good reason to do it.

This will not be acceptable

It was going to be a good day for Gabrielle. The sun was shining brilliantly and it was cold.


You have to get rid of the weather forecast - Please - ARRGGHH!  

Start with Gabrielle wrapped her scarf around her face; the chill of the morning bit her lips. We have Gabriella, she feels the cold - so we know the weather conditions and perhaps the time of year. So don't tell me outright.  I want to feel the cold with the character.  This is remote writing if you tell.  Your readers will not feel they belong inside the book.

The difference between these two sentences is that the action is coming from the character and not from YOU!

Your next sentence you write could be something like this

Despite the cold, she knew today would be her day.

You must stay inside the character's head all the time.  Don't get out of it!  Think I am Gabrielle. If another character comes on the scene - become that person and stay there for as long as it takes. Don't tell me what the character is doing - you have to describe how they are feeling, thinking, experiencing.  Get rid of WAS and you will find you can write from the character's point of view.

Now write the rest in this way and come back shining. Once you have done this then you can start to edit with deletions and additions, changing sentences around, as appropriate.

Lin x





« Last Edit: January 30, 2013, 04:41:47 AM by Lin Treadgold »

hillwalker3000

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Re: good day for Gabrielle
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2013, 01:05:03 PM »
I agree with Lin - this is an account rather than a story, so it's difficult for the reader to engage with your character.

Gabrielle was driven. . .
What do you mean here? Maybe your idea of a 'driven' character is different to mine. The only way to get across how self-absorbed and ambitious Gabrielle was is to show us through her behaviour.

Also some of your word choices don't work :

Another puff of misty breath lapped across her face as memories dripped slowly from her mind.

'breath' cannot 'lap' - it's something that waves normally do - and how can 'memories' 'drip'? I think you're trying too hard to sound original here and the attempt backfired.

This is also an awkward sentence:
If you had met Gabrielle you would have seen in her face the expression of an individual driven singled mindedly by her beliefs.
Why not describe that expression for us (assuming it's important as far as the plot is concerned)? Without it the sentence is meaningless.

Unfortunately, I only managed to skim the rest of the piece because it goes nowhere. It's a rehash of what's already been said earlier. Overall - far too much weather and puffs of breath - and too much repetition of how good a day it was going to be.

I suggest you forget this long-winded intro - let's see some story.

H3K

Lin

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Re: good day for Gabrielle
« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2013, 01:27:50 PM »
PS - We've all been there at some point - even me!  (and I suspect hillwalker has too eh?) When you are writing, think of the five senses, touch, smell, taste, sight and sound and draw each one them into the character's life.

Lin x ;D
« Last Edit: January 30, 2013, 01:29:26 PM by Lin Treadgold »

hillwalker3000

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Re: good day for Gabrielle
« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2013, 04:18:51 PM »
PS - We've all been there at some point - even me!  (and I suspect hillwalker has too eh?)

Definitely - and I still fall into the trap often enough of not practicing what I preach. But we're all rooting for each other on here so all criticism is well meant, if occasionally a little hard to swallow.

H3K

Offline Butterfly21

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Re: good day for Gabrielle
« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2013, 09:52:05 PM »
Hello, grenadetree.

There's a lot of emphasis put on Gabrielle's thoughts, but there isn't any proper thoughts from Gabrielle's point of view. It's all from your objective point of view.

You need to inject some of the characters actual thoughts and perceptions into the narrative.

And I don't mean, '...' Gabrielle thought.

The words you use should be from Gabrielle's point of view so observations and thoughts just gleam through the narrative without being as obvious as being labelled as thoughts etc.

Hope this is helpful.  :)