Author Topic: I Smile  (Read 756 times)

Offline charles89

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I Smile
« on: January 21, 2013, 09:56:49 PM »
I smile
when I come to bed
and the sheets are wrapped
all around
because you insist
the thermostat must be
70 degrees
because you sleep
better in the cold.

Offline StrangeMercy

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Re: I Smile
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2013, 11:13:22 PM »
Neat but too short to give much feedback on how to improve this. I would say get rid of the second 'because' and introduce a comma.

Could be meatier but hey ho.
Well done on your first post.

Strange
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Offline charles89

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Re: I Smile
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2013, 11:46:46 PM »
I smile
when I come to bed
and the sheets are wrapped
all around
because you insist
the thermostat must be
70 degrees
since you sleep
better while cold.
« Last Edit: January 21, 2013, 11:57:08 PM by charles89 »

Offline Tom 10

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Re: I Smile
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2013, 09:23:16 AM »
Cute observation.  We all have a few endearing foibles, its nice to have someone to notice.  Its clear the N. and the blanket thief have this kind of relationship. :)  You may want to try to snip a few words and retain this feel.

I smile
to see sheets wrapped
around your insistence
of seventy degrees--
you sleep better,
after all, while cold.

Not meaning to mess with your poem, but just to give an example of attempted brevity.  
Thanks for posting.
 8)
T
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: I Smile
« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2013, 09:34:54 AM »
Not sure if I've interpreted this correctly . . . the bed partner is wrapped up against the cold when they sleep better, though they insist the thermometer is 70 degrees [quite balmy -- sunbathing temperature in the UK] :-[
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Offline Tom 10

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Re: I Smile
« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2013, 09:46:19 AM »
Irony, I thought.  No guarantee. 8)
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: I Smile
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2013, 09:49:30 AM »
I thought the N was on a promise because the bed partner was tussling around in the heat -- not sleeping, so hey, why not use the space for some fun? ;D
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Offline Tom 10

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Re: I Smile
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2013, 02:28:23 PM »
That works ;D
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Offline drab

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Re: I Smile
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2013, 08:45:03 PM »
I read a wry smile. As in 'I'm not getting any action tonight, again'  ;D
Cute read charles. It's a good sign when people can write poems about simple scenes.
Regards
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.