A short film script (Small amount of bad language)

[danielsan]

Hi everyone.

I've been toying with this idea for a short film for a while. Recently I picked up a decent DSLR and I plan to shoot this script myself, so I was hoping someone wouldn't mind looking over my writing and telling me what could improve in terms of technique (and anything else that could be improved).

Thanks in advance!

Here goes..

CAREFUL

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
Michael opens his eyes. He is visibly depressed. He looks around his large bedroom, sighs and closes his eyes again.

MICHAEL (INMO)
I wish I wasn’t here.

INT. BATHROOM - SHOWER

Michael stands under the shower, completely still, watching the water pour down the plughole.

MICHAEL (INMO)
Press the button.. now (pause). OK, in 5 seconds. Ready? 5,4,3,2,1 (pause). OK, 10 seconds..

INT. KITCHEN
Michael sits at the kitchen table eating toast. Every mouthful is a struggle. He stares at a Hawaii fridge magnet.

MICHAEL (INMO)
I wish I was somewhere warm.

INT. LIVING ROOM
He sits on the sofa flicking through the television channels. He stops on a news item about a movie premiere.

MICHAEL (INMO)
I wish I was famous.

INT. POOL ROOM
Michael stands in his shorts at the top of the stairs leading into the pool. He walks down the stairs slowly. Once he is completely immersed, he looks around underwater. He spots a pound coin on the bottom of the pool. He looks at the coin for a moment, then looks away.

Outside of the pool, Michael sits, drying his hair with a towel.

INT. BEDROOM
Michael sits on his bed watching TV. He reaches over and picks up his computer console controller. He holds it in his hand for a few seconds, before putting it back down.

MICHAEL (INMO)
I wish something would happen.

INT. HALLWAY
Michael puts on his coat and exits the house.

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY
Michael walks down the street. He has his hands in his pockets and his head down low. An old lady carrying shopping bags walks towards him.

OLD WOMAN
Morning, love.

Michael does not acknowledge her, and carries on walking.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE
Michael walks towards the town square in front of an area where people are feeding pigeons. He sits next to an attractive young woman on a bench. They both sit and watch the birds. A little boy is having fun chasing the birds. The girl turns to Michael, and smiles.

MICHAEL (INMO)
FUCK. OFF.

The girl frowns, picks up her bag and exits. Michael puts his head in his hands.

MICHAEL (INMO)
God, what is wrong with me?

He continues watching the birds.

MICHAEL (INMO)
I wish I was a bird. Life would be so simple. Please God, turn me into a bird. I can’t do this anymore. I’m serious. I’m not fit for this life. Please, God. PLEASE.

He gets down on his knees. People begin to stare.

MICHAEL (INMO, CONT’D)
Make me a bird. Just let me fly away, please. Please, God. If you’re there, if you’re real, then do it. I challenge you. I DEMAND you. Turn me into a bird. Right fucking..

EXT. THE SKY
Jason turns into a bird. From the first person, we see him tumbling to the ground, his wings static at either end of the screen.

MICHAEL (INMO)
Wh.. Erg.. (screams)

Michael plummets through the air, before colliding with the ground.

FADE OUT

THE END

[Alice, a Country Gal]

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[hillwalker3000]

Scripts are not my 'thing' but a couple of queries:

Michael opens his eyes. He is visibly depressed.
I presume you will need to provide some direction to show how he is 'visibly depressed' - his behaviour, body language, expression perhaps.

Michael sits at the kitchen table eating toast. Every mouthful is a struggle.
ditto ^^

As for the idea behind the plot, although it has potential it seems rather flimsy. The almost complete lack of dialogue is a challenge I feel.

H3K

[fort street]

  It probably could work as a short film. But like hillwalker  suggested you could put a bit more dialogue in it , Maybe you could have someone , his mother or his wifenagging him when , he wakes up. They could be offscreen and you`d just hear a nagging voice.  What you might need to do is put some foreshadowing to suggest his coming doom. Maybe you could have a cat looking  menacingly out of the window at some nesting birds. Or gunshots  and scenes of birds scattering  either way you need to hint at  what`s going to happen to him. I hope this has been helpful as I`m no expert and this is just my oppinion.

[2par]

umm, who's jason?
if you're bent on disposing michael, then perhaps a stronger event or two might help.  he obviously doesn't pay any mind to the lovely things around him.  however,  i need a better reason for him to go splat.

[bri h]

I'm with 2par on this one. Who the hell's Jason? I think what you're attempting here is to chronicle the life of a loner. The depressed state this can leave you in. This needs to be better put acrossIMO. You're MC half way through says,
 "I wish something would happen." This left me feeling the same sentiment. This needs a lot more work doing to it before posting again. Again, IMO. Bri.

[fort street]

 I`m probably wrong on this but the ideas alright but what about making the  women on the bench some kind of angel or demon who grants his wish.
 Also you need somw kind of fore -shadowing as to why it`s going to go wrong. I.E. why not have, in the background, some one hunting or shooting birds. The audiance will think he`s going to get shot he`s going to get shot. Then when he`s turned into a bird you could surprise them by having him turned into a  Turkey. or chicken trapped in a vast factory farm awaiting execution. The audiance would definately remember that. And angle the script about  how boring and monotonous  his life is and how  he sees birds as representing variey and freedom.E.T.C. Like I said I`m probably wrong but it`s how I`d do it. Cue in theme tune for the twilight zone.

[LC1]

I like the idea, but is 'Jason'meant to be 'Michael'? I think you should make a reference or a hint to either the old woman, young woman or little boy being god?  Thanks