Author Topic: My first writing...not sure what it is.  (Read 2240 times)

Offline Plumjive

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My first writing...not sure what it is.
« on: January 12, 2013, 04:27:25 AM »
Any and all feedback is most welcome. Thank you :)



Facts

A bit of caution, might I suggest, when absorbing fact and whim.
Earth was once factually flat and to contest this fact a sin.
First flight thought perverse a notion -prides envy of feathered bird.
In time we traversed sky as ocean then sailed on to lunar world.
A greater caution I do advise when accepting fact freely given.
Hatred lies in warring minds which have been historically fact driven.
Facts of origin, matter and time -fact bred thought consumed from birth.
Grown so a mind, when tested shall find, to recite fact proves ones worth.
Are facts merely time bound folly confining theories at their best?
Future minds will think so surely when writing of our facts in jest.


Plum
« Last Edit: January 13, 2013, 02:31:00 AM by Plumjive »

Offline Laura H

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2013, 06:20:38 PM »
Hi Plumjive.

I moved your post here since you requested feedback.  The Gallery is for posting pieces without critique.

L
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

“Don't be like the rest of them, darling.” ― Eudora Welty

Offline Plumjive

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2013, 06:26:04 PM »
Sorry about that and thank you.

Offline Dustin91

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2013, 07:34:49 PM »
Hello Plum!

I like the idea of this poem. It's weird to think about what used to be accepted as fact, and even weirder to think what facts we accept today that may be proven wrong tomorrow. I think I read something Einstein wrote that went something like: Sit with your hand on a hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour. Sit and talk with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.   :o

I only have a couple suggestions that I feel would help this poem.

In the third and fourth lines, the end rhymes are off. Bird and world just don't do it for me  ??? Kinda nitpicky but I think you could play around and find a better rhyme.

Also the internal rhymes are inconsistant, making it tricky for me to read out loud. They start out okay, but later in the poem they seem to be in different spots in regard to the syllable count. My advice would be to try to make each line have the same number of syllables (for this poem specifically).

Good work and good luck!

Dustin

hillwalker3000

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2013, 08:17:36 AM »
Although the idea behind this is quite clever, the poem itself is rather cluttered when we try to read it out loud. The style is rather old-fashioned - as if it was written 100 years ago rather than today.

Also, if I were to continue the nit-picking, the word 'fact' appears far too many times. The repetition is jarring by the time we reach the end.

You have the framework for an intriguing poem but it still needs more work.

H3K

Lin

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2013, 08:20:08 AM »
Not an easy read and I would suggest you alter the flow to make it easier on the ear.

Lin x :)

Offline Victor

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2013, 04:31:00 AM »
Hi Plum,

This reads more like a philosophical aphorism than a poem- but even as philosophy it doesn't say anything original or profound. Sure, we know that today's fact can be tomorrow's myth and today's myth can turn out to be tomorrow's fact and so on- so we should be cautious in accepting something as fact- that's barely scratching the surface of the problem and that is all this piece seems to be saying .

Epistemology is a complex theory. It's the malleability and the inherently humane subjectivity of the so-called "facts" and "truths"  that drove Descartes to his meditations and Hume to his extreme skepticism and Aristotle to his claim: "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it". So, what does the poem accomplish by merely sermonizing, by way of rhymed couplets and buckets of abstractions, what's obvious to any thinking mind without trying to find an answer? I think William James came closer to the heart of the matter in The Will to Believe- the gist of which is- we are  condemned to believe simply because to act is to believe. In other words, there's no real distinction between truth and falsity since any idea can be proved or disproved only within the subjective confines of the human mind and its derivatives like logic and scientific instruments- but who judges the correctness of those? So, to disbelieve is the same as to believe- one is belief in an idea, the other a belief not to believe in the idea! Even if you decide to kill yourself and escape the choice- still you act based on the belief that death will offer an escape from this dissonance! This is the self-defeating logic of nihilism.

But coming back to poetry- I've found that poems about the minutest of the specifics are often the profoundest in philosophy. Basho's haiku come to mind. So, that's what I'd suggest here- to get down to the brass tacks- that's where wisdom and magic abound. As regards philosophy- it's an ocean and much has been done and said and gained and lost and rhapsodized about and grieved over - it's the only discipline with a passion and a rich universal history- so when you write a poem entitled "Facts" you're inviting expectations and questions from a diverse network of disciplines- that a halfhearted rhymed musing will never satiate.
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline Plumjive

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2013, 11:33:13 PM »
@ hill, ty.  I agree.  I've spent some time looking into modern poetry and was surprised to find that poems do not rhyme anymore.  Like suggested elsewhere in this site I think my inclination towards rhyme is something I developed when I was young...when all examples of poetry rhymed.  Also, Hill...I appreciate and enjoy your critique of people.  Blunt, pure, forward and legit.  Best words I have for you.

@ Victor, ty.  I boast an 11th grade education mixed with experience provided by the headmaster 'coincidence'.  The writers/thinkers you referenced in reply to my 1st writing sent me on a bit of a research spree.  At first, I thought you may be like the fellas I met while incarcerated in my early 20's, the guys who mention the big shots they know so as to seem superior and worthy of respect.  I have to admit you were correct though.  'Halfhearted rhymed musing' sums it up as this little writing took minutes to write.  I was mainly curious if writing was/is something I should pursue :P  A friend suggested that I might just be be doing it write if a critic felt obligated to reference Descartes, Aristoltle, W.James, Hume, and Basho.  Then again maybe not.

Oh, its taken months to respond since life has been delivering the strangest variety of change recently . 
Again, ty to all who replied and read this silliness of mine.

Lin

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2013, 04:02:31 AM »
If it's silly and it works, it ain't silly!

Lin  :D

Offline AntonioM

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2013, 04:49:40 PM »
This was excellent (clear, clean, concise), it is definitely poetry. The ironic tone worked well for me.

ARM
ARM

Offline Mark T

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2013, 05:24:31 PM »

I thought the piece wasn't bad as a poem. Certainly enough to read through and nod along. Nothing wrong with restating axioms in an original fashion. But, Victor, such well-expressed incism - I hope someone appreciates whatever it is that you do for your daily bread.

Offline Plumjive

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #11 on: September 27, 2013, 01:46:08 AM »
Ty all for replying.  A solid mix of 'meh' and 'nice' and 'not bad' from you all.  If I think on it, I shouldn't have excepted anything more or less.  I'm learning writing is very tarot...we see what we see.  How could I expect a specific reaction?  I came here hoping for someone to say 'Dude, you are a writer'.  The varied responses and remarks towards my little w/e and the advice found elsewhere on this site help me see that I am writer if I write.

This whole writing thing is prompted from memory.  Found myself in a place where 'wtf should I be doing' was a common theme.  Spent 3-4 months gleaning through my thoughts and memories and experiences and decided the one thing that stood out was a possibility of being able to write.  So here I am.  :P 

As always, ty for reading/replying.

Offline Plumjive

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #12 on: September 27, 2013, 01:56:13 AM »
Stars

Could we be composed of those?
Ancestors gazing questioned
Blasphemous notion
Glorious rebellion
Poetic origin
Innocent intention.
An idea only fleeting wonder might contain,
ancient burning light from whence all life has came.

here's another, written along with facts.  Shoddy imo.  What say you folks?

JewelAS53

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #13 on: September 27, 2013, 03:25:39 AM »
 ;D
Reminds me of the scene in Lion King, as in, huge idea mentioned more or less in passing.

I like it.

J

Lin

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Re: My first writing...not sure what it is.
« Reply #14 on: September 27, 2013, 03:26:15 AM »
i liked this very much ::) Keep going.  It rather reminded me of a Roger McGough style.  I could see him reciting this at an event.

Lin