Author Topic: Bit grim.  (Read 1719 times)

Offline redmeat73

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Bit grim.
« on: September 23, 2013, 08:01:45 PM »
Son of a bastard, son of a bitch.



Soft, small and innocent

I never did bruise

Broken bottle, broken nose

I never did bruise

Tougher than expected

Bastard and the bitch got lucky

'Do you ever fucking listen'

I hear all

Sticks and stones

I hear everything

React to nothing

Don't cry

'I'll give you something to cry about'

The scars smothered in the dark

The lacklustre teacher questions

I read her mind, she doesn't care either

Stone walls and the sun on my face

Inside my headís the safest place

I hide

No room to move

Fear is all I hear

No room to move

The wounds don't heal.


Matt..
« Last Edit: September 23, 2013, 08:22:23 PM by redmeat73 »
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion...

Offline drab

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Re: Bit grim.
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2013, 08:53:31 PM »
Hi red,
A raw write.
I'd prefer if you didn't use caps for every sentence, and punctuation is a valuable tool you should use.
One word snagged, 'lacklustre'. It doesn't fit with the N's 'voice'.
Enjoyed the read though.
 
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Bit grim.
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2013, 09:05:35 PM »
Yep -- punctuate as for regular prose, capitals following a full stop not just to begin a line.

This has some good sensory input with touch, sound and vision . . . any tastes or smells to recreate a total experience? :-\

Definitely raw and emotional. Good job. ;)

JewelAS53

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Re: Bit grim.
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2013, 05:18:45 AM »
I like it.
I am getting used to poetry not being pretty.
Thanks for sharing.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Bit grim.
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2013, 05:17:32 PM »
Hi,

This is an emotion laced piece of writing.  I agree with the suggestions about capitalization and punctuation.  I'd also like to suggest getting rid of the double spacing.  There's nothing wrong with breaking convention or breaking the rules, if there is some purpose to it; here I didn't see that it adds.


For me, the poem concluded rather nicely at the end of line 18.  Your message is all delivered at that point, in my opinion, and it would be succinct if it were to be without the last 5 lines.   

Thanks for posting. :)

T
« Last Edit: September 24, 2013, 05:19:14 PM by Tom 10 »

Offline heidi52

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Re: Bit grim.
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2013, 07:20:27 PM »
This is very raw. I hope it's not autobiographical.

You did well to strongly hint what a child would experience without over-doing it. A few tweaks as suggested and I think you have a very strong poem.


Wolfe

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Re: Bit grim.
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2013, 06:34:20 AM »
I loved it.

Offline redmeat73

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Re: Bit grim.
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2013, 07:03:10 AM »
Unfortunately it is autobiographical and to be honest somewhat toned down to stop it sounding like fictional ravings of a nut case.

Thank you for you feed back, I'm honestly blown away. I wrote it simply to try and shrug off the funk I'm in and to hopefully stave of future funks.

It feels rough and unfinished, but seeing as I'm no poet, what do I know. Maybe I'll write slightly happier poem and try to avoid Disemboweling the English language next time.

Matt..
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion...

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Bit grim.
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2013, 11:00:20 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D

Be like me -- rob some of the lines for your prose [and tweak if they're weird] or use them to flesh an existing character or an idea. ::) ::) ::)

Offline La Mouquette

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Re: Bit grim.
« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2013, 09:05:20 PM »
This brought out so many emotions in me, most of all sadness, anger... yes grim, but moving, dark, sinister and powerful. Thanks for sharing . La M   :)
A person without knowledge is like a flower with no scent.

Offline drab

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Re: Bit grim.
« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2013, 10:21:17 PM »
Hi Matt,
Thanks for the heads up.
When people post personal poems here we aren't aware of the fact. So we critique them honestly. And that critique could potentially be damaging to the poet. We're here to support each other Matt. Please keep posting your poems, writing is so cathartic. But if you're writing something close to the bone you could include (in brackets, after the title) some indication for us.

It gets better, doesn't stay that way, but then it comes back again.
It always comes back again.
Regards 
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.