Author Topic: I Swear, wip, 8th edit, #106, 1372 words, mild swearing plus one F word  (Read 26395 times)

Offline bri h

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 4th edit, #45, inc intro, 1508 words, mild swearing
« Reply #45 on: December 31, 2012, 09:36:44 AM »
I swear (part 1)

South Shields, 1967.  In the back lane, I leaned nonchalantly against our wooden gate.  I was acting the big man and swearing to the bloke next door, who'd already complained a couple of times to Mam about my bucket-mouth.  I was repeating all the words I'd heard recently, I thought I was being so big and clever, while the other kids looked on with their mouths open, waiting to see what happened next. Altercations in those days before telly, always attracted a small crowd.
  
I should have got a clue when their eyes widened in shock, with the knowledge that someone other than themselves was going get their arse smacked good and proper. A hand grasped my collar-pulling a few hairs out at the back of my neck in the process-I was yanked off my feet, and flew back through the gate. Mam had seen through all my lies, she knew I'd swear again, because I'd repeatedly promised her that I'd never sworn at anyone! She knew, intuitively the way that all mothers did, that I lied a lot, so she'd stood hidden on the other side of the gate!
  
She dragged me backwards across the yard, past the coal-house and to the back steps, all the time I was blubbering and pleadeding that I'd be good and live a chaste, decent law-abiding life from then on. I'd have sworn to anything if it would have prevented what I knew was about to happen. But soon my heels were thumping on the rickety stairs.  All I saw were the cobwebs in the roof amid the dirt and stains, and the fast retreating light from the back door down below. I lost a plimsoll on the way when it snagged on a crack in the stair riser. She hauled me like a sack of spuds into the scruffy shed-like scullery.  

She'd warned me time after time that if she ever caught me swearing, she'd wash my mouth out with Carbolic Soap.
If everyday soap could be categorized as, nice and sweet, soft and gentle, perfumed and refreshing, then Carbolic was the total opposite.  Blocky, rough, smelling of disinfectant, lather-less, industrial cleaner, and generally horrible. Carbolic was the skinhead of soaps, and I was about to have a meal of it!
I could tell mam had lost her rag because she took the dirty plates out of the sink and smashed them to the floor in temper, oh Gawd, I was in trouble, I just stood looking at her, I hoped that if I looked dejected enough she'd relent and take pity on me but she didn't.  She yanked me by the collar and the seat of my pants. When she had her mad on she could be a strong bugger!  Quite scary in fact.

Mam slammed me onto the damp smelly drainer, like a butcher slapping a hunk of beef onto a chopping-block.  The dampness seeped into my clothes, my head drooped into the big china sink.  Mam mustn't have liked the position I was in because she couldn't get a strong enough hold on me, so she dragged me further up the drainer, scattering the greasy pans and plates that were by the sink waiting to be washed.  Now I was directly under the brass tap. I fought her even harder.

On the drainer, I struggled and wriggled, Mam's strong, polished-finger-nailed hand held me by the throat. I could see the upside-down view of the muck and grease of the sinklip. Pans and plates scattered, clattering everywhere by my wildly thrashing legs and feet, she fought to keep me positioned and I fought her back to keep my head away from the tap.  She turned the tap on, there was a clunk as the air was released and I heard the water approaching up the pipe.  A single drop gathered on the end, and I thought  I'd been saved, sometimes the water didn't flow on certain days, and I'd thought this was one of them. But alas for me, not that day!

The treacherous water gushed out of the tap, it soaked my head and neck.  I now spluttered and spat as I continued to cry and begged Mam to let me go.  But once Mam made up her mind to do something she did it. Oh Gawd did she do it.
While all this was going on, Mam was shouting at the top of her voice, "I'll teach you to f***ing swear you little bas***d! You won't f***ing swear again! Will you? you f***ing little shite!" I heard snippets of distant shouts as they drifted up the stairs, "Go on Mim, give the little bugger what for!" or "Teach the little bugger a lesson he wont forget!" I'd sworn at loads of people so they were probably the ones who shouted.

I jammed my mouth closed with a snap. I knew that my mouth had to be open for the Carbolic to be got in.
"Open your mouth, and this'll go easier on you!" shouted Mam. At that point, three big blokes struggling, wouldn't have got me to open my mouth.
"Open your mouth" she repeated quieter.  I remember defiantly staring at her , if it could be called a stare? I had to keep blinking to keep the splashes of water out of my eyes. My mouth was still wedged shut, but at the same time I tried to dodge the water that still gushed out of the tap and God, it was cold!
  
Then she leaned down, got right in my face, practically nose to nose and repeated in a really strange quiet-like voice, "Brian, open your mouth", she smiled. It was one of those rictus-smiles where you knew she was gritting her teeth.  I was really scared then!  Anyone who's experienced a stern-loving Mother like this will know exactly what I'm talking about. This was the killer-smile that brooked no arguments, no resistance, no bullshit. This kind of command had to be obeyed, or woe betide anyone. I knew then it was no good.
I stammered a quick "Please Mam," instantly she jammed the carbolic soap into me gob!  Oh she could be so quick! I gagged, I thought on that day I was going to die.  She was rubbing and drubbing like wash day on a Monday, while singing some obscure little song, her eyes normally blue and pretty were just slits in her face. Meanwhile I begged and sobbed and got myself worked up into a lather, I felt really sorry for myself then.  The bar is wedged into my teeth, she really put some 'elbow grease' into it. The taste was horrible, like sucking on a toilet urinal cake, and trying like frig not to swallow.  She was thorough and resolute,  determined she was going to teach me a lesson, even if it meant someone reporting her to the National Assistance.

Finally it was over.  She stood me on my feet. I, of course, being the devious little git that I am, wobbled a bit, and looked as if I was about to faint.  Mam wrapped me in her arms, acting all contrite, guilt could be a good commodity when you were eight and knew how to wield it.  As she wrapped me in her arms cooing to me and telling herself what a horrible person she was for inflicting this on her poor child I made a cardinal error.  I smiled, thinking to myself of how I could turn this to my advantage?

She saw this and instantly reverted to Were-Mam, my arse was back on that draining board in a flash.  She had the Carbolic soap in her hand raised and ready to "wash" me again.  I looked on with what I can only now describe as a futile-acceptance of something uncontrollable.  She saw this, and slowly dropped the bar onto the floor, looked at me with a little discomfort and possibly shame on her face and told me to get off the drainer.

This wasn't so easy with my little legs and no stool to climb down.  But I eventually struggled off and stood before her. "Now," she said, "Will you ever swear again?"  I hung my head tiredly and swore on the Bible that I wouldn't. I was knackered from all the struggling.  She stood in front of me with her hands on her hips, her foot tapped constantly in a temper-fuelled rhythm, I knew I could still be in trouble at this sign.  She sighed and said under her breath, as she shook her head slowly from side to side, "Eee, our Brian, what am I going to do with you?"  I just hoped it wasn't anymore of what had took place.  She then sent me to my room without having tea. Looking back today,I wonder if she was surprised or amused to come into the punishment room later and found me snoring?

I'd like to say at the end here that I learned my lesson that day. But I'd be lying, because I still swore, I just never put myself in the position of letting mam hear me.

« Last Edit: December 31, 2012, 09:56:18 AM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 4th edit, #45, inc intro, 1508 words, mild swearing
« Reply #46 on: December 31, 2012, 09:47:31 AM »
Look at your use of was and compare it to passages without was overload . . . can you see/hear the difference? Make some adjustments to your use of was to bring the rest of the piece up to the same standard. ;) Many time the 'was' phrase sets up a straight tell -- not always good if you can show by selecting a stronger verb . . . doesn't add to the word count and makes the piece more active.

I swear (part 1)

South Shields, 1967.  In the back lane, I leaned nonchalantly against our wooden gate.  I was acting the big man and swearing to the bloke next door, who'd already complained a couple of times to Mam about my bucket-mouth.  I was repeating all the words I'd heard recently, I thought I was so big and clever, while the other kids looked on with their mouths open, waiting to see what happened next. Altercations in those days before telly, always attracted a small crowd.
 
I should have got a clue when their eyes widened in shock, with the knowledge that someone other than themselves was going get their arse smacked good and proper. A hand grasped my collar-pulling a few hairs out at the back of my neck in the process-I was yanked off my feet, and flew back through the gate. Mam had seen through all my lies, she knew I'd swear again, because I'd repeatedly promised her that I'd never sworn at anyone! She knew, intuitively the way that all mothers did, that I lied a lot, so she'd stood hidden on the other side of the gate!
 
She dragged me backwards across the yard, past the coal-house and to the back steps, all the time I was blubbering and pleadeding that I'd be good and live a chaste, decent law-abiding life from then on. I'd have sworn to anything if it would have prevented what I knew was about to happen. But soon my heels were thumping on the rickety stairs.  All I saw were the cobwebs in the roof amid the dirt and stains, and the fast retreating light from the back door down below. I lost a plimsoll on the way when it snagged on a crack in the stair riser. She hauled me like a sack of spuds into the scruffy shed-like scullery. 

She'd warned me time after time that if she ever caught me swearing, she'd wash my mouth out with Carbolic Soap.
If everyday soap could be categorized as, nice and sweet, soft and gentle, perfumed and refreshing, then Carbolic was the total opposite.  Blocky, rough, smelling of disinfectant, lather-less, industrial cleaner, and generally horrible. Carbolic was the skinhead of soaps, and I was about to have a meal of it!
I could tell mam had lost her rag because she took the dirty plates out of the sink and smashed them to the floor in temper, oh Gawd, I was in trouble, I just stood looking at her, I hoped that if I looked dejected enough she'd relent and take pity on me but she didn't.  She yanked me by the collar and the seat of my pants. When she had her mad on she could be a strong bugger!  Quite scary in fact.

Mam slammed me onto the damp smelly drainer, like a butcher slapping a hunk of beef onto a chopping-block.  The dampness seeped into my clothes, my head drooped into the big china sink.  Mam mustn't have liked the position I was in because she couldn't get a strong enough hold on me, so she dragged me further up the drainer, scattering the greasy pans and plates that were by the sink waiting to be washed.  Now I was directly under the brass tap. I fought her even harder.

On the drainer, I struggled and wriggled, Mam's strong, polished-finger-nailed hand held me by the throat. I could see the upside-down view of the muck and grease of the sinklip. Pans and plates scattered, clattering everywhere by my wildly thrashing legs and feet, she fought to keep me positioned and I fought her back to keep my head away from the tap.  She turned the tap on, there was a clunk as the air was released and I heard the water approaching up the pipe.  A single drop gathered on the end of the tap, and I thought  I'm saved, sometimes the water didn't flow on certain days, and I thought that this was one of those times. But alas for me, not that day!

The treacherous water gushed out of the tap, it soaked my head and neck.  I now spluttered and spat as I continued to cry and begged Mam to let me go.  But once Mam made up her mind to do something she did it. Oh Gawd did she do it.
While all this was going on, Mam was shouting at the top of her voice, "I'll teach you to f***ing swear you little bas***d! You won't f***ing swear again! Will you? you f***ing little shite!" I heard snippets of distant shouts as they drifted up the stairs, "Go on Mim, give the little bugger what for!" or "Teach the little bugger a lesson he wont forget!" I'd sworn at loads of people so they were probably the ones who shouted.

I jammed my mouth closed with a snap. I knew that my mouth had to be open for the Carbolic to be got in.
"Open your mouth, and this'll go easier on you!" shouted Mam. At that point, three big blokes struggling, wouldn't have got me to open my mouth.
"Open your mouth" she repeated quieter.  I remember defiantly staring at her , if it could be called a stare? I had to keep blinking to keep the splashes of water out of my eyes. My mouth was still wedged shut, but at the same time I tried to dodge the water that still gushed out of the tap and God, it was cold!
 
Then she leaned down, got right in my face, practically nose to nose and repeated in a really strange quiet-like voice, "Brian, open your mouth", she smiled. It was one of those rictus-smiles where you knew she was gritting her teeth.  I was really scared then!  Anyone who's experienced a stern-loving Mother like this will know exactly what I'm talking about. This was the killer-smile that brooked no arguments, no resistance, no bullshit. This kind of command had to be obeyed, or woe betide anyone. I knew then it was no good.
I stammered a quick "Please Mam," and in that instant, she jammed the carbolic soap into me gob!  Oh she could be so quick! I gagged, I thought on that day I was going to die.  She's was rubbing and drubbing like wash day on a Monday, while singing some obscure little song, her eyes normally blue and pretty were just slits in her face. Meanwhile I begged and sobbed and got myself worked up into a lather, I felt really sorry for myself then.  The bar is wedged into my teeth, she really put some 'elbow grease' into it. The taste was horrible, like sucking on a toilet urinal cake, and trying like frig not to swallow.  She was so thorough and resolute, she was determined she was going to teach me a lesson, even if it meant someone reporting her to the National Assistance.

Finally it was over.  She stood me on my feet. I, of course, being the devious little git that I am, wobbled a bit, looked as if I was about to faint, and Mam wrapped me in her arms, acting all contrite, guilt can be a good commodity when youre eight and you knew how to wield it.  As she wrapped me in her arms cooing to me and telling herself what a horrible person she was for inflicting this on her poor child, I made a cardinal error, and smiled, thinking to myself of how I could turn this to my advantage?

She saw this and instantly reverted to Were-Mam, my arse was back on that draining board in a flash.  She had the Carbolic soap in her hand raised and ready to "wash" me again.  I looked on with what I can only describe as a futile-acceptance of something I had no control over.  She saw this, and slowly dropped the bar onto the floor, looked at me with a little discomfort and possibly shame on her face and told me to get off the drainer.

This wasn't so easy with my little legs and no stool to climb down.  But I eventually struggled off and stood before her.  "Now", she said. "Will you ever swear again?"  I hung my head tiredly and swore on the Bible that I wouldn't.  She stood in front of me with her hands on her hips, her foot tapped constantly in a temper-fuelled rhythm, I knew I could still be in trouble at this sign.  She sighed and said under her breath, as she shook her head slowly from side to side, "Eee, our Brian, what am I going to do with you?"  I just hoped it wasn't anymore of what had took place.  She then sent me to my room, without supper.

I'd like to say at the end here that I learned my lesson that day. But I'd be lying, because I still swore, I just never put myself in the position of letting mam hear me.



Offline Dawn

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 4th edit, #45, inc intro, 1508 words, mild swearing
« Reply #47 on: December 31, 2012, 10:03:15 AM »
Ah Brian - I was telling Fire Fly that my mum and dad used to send me, and my brother out at midnight with a coin. I used to think they were making up this tradition and wanted a cheeky snog. Eeeeh so it did exist. lol
Time to take it serious and get the job done

hillwalker3000

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 4th edit, #45, inc intro, 1508 words, mild swearing
« Reply #48 on: December 31, 2012, 11:38:00 AM »
I would add this bit of advice - adverbs, use them wisely, or better still not at all.
I leaned nonchalantly against our wooden gate
I'm no wiser how you were leaning - and since you tell us shortly afterwards that you were 'acting the big man' we don't need the adverb.

There's also still some superfluous detail that could be tightened up. I thought I'd do a 510 since I've got a spare hour or two:

South Shields, 1967. In the back lane, I leaned nonchalantly against our wooden back gate . I was, acting the big man and swearing to in front of the bloke next door . (,) who'd I was swearing at him even though he'd already complained a couple of times to Mam about my bucket-mouth. I was repeating all the fancy? words I'd heard recently, I thought I was feeling so big and clever (,) while the other kids looked on with their mouths open. (,) waiting They were keen to see what happened next. Altercations in those days before telly, always attracted a small crowd. [Not so keen on this observation - takes us out of the story.]

I should have got a clue realised when their eyes widened in shock (,) with the knowledge that someone other than themselves was going to get his arse smacked good and proper. But I was too busy showing off until Asomeone's hand grasped my collar. -pulling a few hairs out at the back of my neck in the process- [Not keen on this either - it diminishes the shock of what follows] ThenI was yanked off my feet, and flew back got hauled ? through the gate.


Mam had seen through all my lies, she knew I'd swear again, because I'd repeatedly promised her that I'd never sworn at anyone!
[This needs rearranging because you've not told us you promised not to swear yet so there are no lies for her to see through.]
I'd promised to Mam on numerous occasions that I'd never sworn at anyone, but she had seen through my lies. She knew, intuitively the way that all mothers did, that I lied a lot, so she'd stood hidden on the other side of the gate (!) and heard my performance.


She dragged me backwards [Try to keep the choreography simple so it's easier to picture.] across the yard, past the coal-house and to the back steps. (,)All the time I was blubbering and pleadeding that I'd be good and live a chaste, decent law-abiding [Is this your eight-year-old memory or an older person's - it seems over the top.] virtuous? life, from then on. I'd have sworn to anything if it would have prevented what I knew was about to happen [clunky] to avoid what I knew was coming next. But soon my heels were thumping on the rickety stairs as the fading light from the back door illuminated . All I saw were the cobwebs in the roof amid the dirt and stains. (,) and the fast retreating light from the back door down below. I lost a plimsoll on the way when it snagged on a crack in the stair riser . She but that didn't slow Mam down as she hauled me like a sack of spuds into the scruffy shed-like scullery.

She'd warned me time after time that if she ever caught me swearing (,) she'd wash my mouth out with Carbolic Soap. If everyday soap could be categorized as (,) nice and sweet, soft and gentle, perfumed and refreshing, then Carbolic was the total opposite.  Blocky, rough, smelling of disinfectant, lather-less, industrial cleaner, and generally horrible. Carbolic was the skinhead of soaps, and I was about to have a meal of it. (!)

I could tell mam had lost her rag meant business because she took the dirty plates out of the sink and smashed them to the floor in temper. ( ,) o Oh Gawd, I was in trouble. (,) I just stood looking at her, I hoped hoping that if I looked dejected enough she'd relent and take pity on me [Means the same as relent - don't need both] but she didn't. She yanked me by the collar and the seat of my pants. When she had her mad on she could be a strong bugger!  Quite scary in fact. Mam [More distracting observations - doesn't work for me I'm sorry.] Mam Then she slammed me onto the damp, smelly drainer (,) like a butcher slapping a hunk of beef onto a chopping-block. The dampness seeped into my clothes (,) as my head drooped into the big china sink. Mam mustn't have liked the position I was in because she couldn't get a strong enough hold on me, so she dragged me further up the drainer, scattering the greasy pans and plates that were by the sink waiting to be washed. Now until I was directly under the brass tap.
New paragraph

I fought her even harder.On the draining board, I struggled and wriggled,trying to shake free of Mam's strong, polished-finger-nailed hand that held me by the throat. I could see the upside-down view of the muck and grease of the sinklip. [Sorry - I still think this 'upside-down view' is unnecessary and confuses the picture as you've already told us you're facing the spout of the tap.]
But Mam still managed to keep me positioned and I fought her back despite my struggles to keep my head away from the brass tap.
Pans and plates scattered , clattering and clattered everywhere by my wildly thrashing as my legs and feet thrashed wildly. , she fought to keep me positioned and I fought her back to keep my head away from the tap. [Getting repetitive]
New paragraph

She turned the tap on. (,) there There was a clunk as the air was released and I heard the water approaching surging ? up the pipe.  A Then a single drop of water gathered on the end of the tap (,) and I thought I'd been saved. ( ,) sSometimes the water didn't flow on certain days, due to low pressure and I thought to myself that this was one of them those times. But alas for me, not that day. (!)

The treacherous water gushed out of the tap, it soaked soaking my head and neck perhaps add something here to show how it felt at that exact moment.  I now spluttered and spat as I continued to cry and begged Mam to let me go.  But once Mam made up her mind to do something she did it. Oh Gawd, did she do it? (.)
While all this was going on, All the while Mam was shouting at me at the top of her voice, "I'll teach you to f***ing swear you little bas***d! You won't f***ing swear again! Will you, (?) you f***ing little shite? (!("
New paragraph
I heard snippets of distant shouts as they drifted encouragement ? drifting up the stairs. (,)
New paragraph
 "Go on Mim, give the little bugger what for!" or "Teach the little bugger a lesson he wont forget!" I'd sworn at loads of people so they were probably the ones who shouted.
[Why?? tell?? us?? this??]

I jammed snapped my mouth shut closed with a snap. I knew that my mouth had to be open for the Carbolic to be got in. she couldn't slip the Carbolic between my lips if they were closed tight ?
"Open your mouth, and this'll go easier on you!" shouted Mam.
New paragraph

At that point, three big blokes struggling, [Is that the best you could find?] Why not But three pit ponies wouldn't have got me to open my mouth.
"Open your mouth" she repeated quieter more quietly.

I remember defiantly staring at her , if it could be called a stare? I had to keep blinking to keep the splashes of water out of my eyes. My mouth was still wedged shut, but at the same time I tried to dodge the water that still gushed out of the tap and God, it was cold!
[This is still a bit of a muddle - you'd do better to tell us how cold the tap water was earlier in the scene (without the  exclamation mark) -  and the rest adds nothing new.]

Then she leaned down , got right in my face, until we were practically nose to nose and repeated in a really strange quiet-like voice creepy little whisper ?, "Brian, open your mouth." " (,) she smiled. It was She smiled one of those rictus-smiles where you I knew she was also gritting her teeth.  I was really scared. then (!)
Anyone who's experienced a stern-loving Mother like this will know exactly what I'm talking about. [Pointless observation - get on with the story!!!!!!!!!]

This was the killer-smile. that brooked no  No more arguments, no resistance, no bullshit. This kind of calm, almost tender ? command had to be obeyed, or woe betide anyone. I knew then it was no good.[Bit weak - it was time to surrender ?]

I stammered a quick "Please Mam," but instantly she jammed the carbolic soap into me gob. (!)  Oh she could be so quick. (!) I gagged. (,) I thought on that day [Bit weak again - knew for sure ?] I was going to die.  She was began rubbing and drubbing like wash day on a Monday, while singing some obscure little song. (,) h Her eyes, normally blue and pretty, were just slits in her face. [Where else would they be?]
Meanwhile I begged and sobbed and got myself worked up into a lather, I felt really sorry for myself then [Doesn't really add anything new]. The bar is was wedged into between my teeth , she really put some 'elbow grease' into it. The taste was horrible, like sucking on a toilet urinal cake, [Getting muddled again.] and the toilet taste made me want to gag ? and trying as I tried like frig not to swallow. She was thorough and resolute, determined she was going to teach me a lesson, even if it meant someone reporting her to the National Assistance.


Finally it was over. She stood me on my feet. I, of course, being the devious little git that I am, wobbled a bit, and looked as if I was about to faint. Mam wrapped me in her arms, acting all contrite, guilt could be a good commodity when you were eight and knew how to wield it. As she wrapped me in her arms cooing to me and telling herself what a horrible person she was for inflicting this on her poor child I made a cardinal error. I smiled, thinking to myself of how I could turn this to my advantage?

She saw this and instantly reverted to Were-Mam, my arse was back on that draining board in a flash. She had the Carbolic soap in her hand raised and ready to "wash" me again. I looked on with what I can only now describe as a futile-acceptance of something uncontrollable. She saw this, and slowly dropped the bar onto the floor, looked at me with a little discomfort and possibly shame on her face and told me to get off the drainer.
[/I]

I have to say this ^^ underlined bit left me cold - you've reached the climax of the tale yet you throw in another trick and almost blow it in my opinion. By all means play on the deviousness of the eight-year-old git and the' were-mother', but I'm not keen on a repeat performance of what's already happened.
I think it would work just as well if she gave you a cuddle and you felt you'd scored a point by looking so sweet and innocent before she grabs you by the throat and asks"Will you ever swear again?"

I hung my head tiredly [Needs a stronger image.] and swore on the Bible that I wouldn't. I was knackered from all the struggling. She stood in front of me with her hands on her hips, her foot tapped constantly tapping its in a temper-fuelled rhythm. , I knew I could still be in trouble at this sign. She sighed and said under her breath (,) as she shook her head slowly from side to side. (,) "Eee, our Brian, what am I going to do with you?"

I just hoped it wasn't anymore of what had took place.She then sent me to my room without having tea.
[Bit of an anticlimax - is it necessary to add any of this detail at the end?]

Looking back today,I wonder if she was surprised or amused to come into the punishment room later and found me snoring?
Same as before - you're butting in on the story.]

I'd like to say at the end here I wish I could admit that I learned my lesson that day. But I'd be lying, because I still swore. (,) I just never put myself in the position of letting mam hear me.


A lot of comments ^^ which you can take with as much salt as you wish. At least the exclamation marks are slowly disappearing. Now you need to sort out the dreaded comma.

H3K

Offline protekme

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 3rd edit, #34, inc intro, 1439 words, mild swearing
« Reply #49 on: December 31, 2012, 01:20:09 PM »
protek
plimsoll= a rubber type slipper/shoe popular in England in the 60's, a fore runner to the trainers you see today, usually used in gym's.
frig= frigger, a much milder way of sayin f***er
bucket-gob= foul mouthed, bucket-mouth, a person who swears a lot
smiledone= typo, sorry, it should read smiled one(I think, without goin back to look?)
git= a mild swear word to describe someone irritating or (I don't know anymore, ha ha?)


shvon, help! I'm wallowing in all the tenses, I've lost the direction. Will you do a proofy of me last edit and highlight, cos I'm not gettin it at all now, am so confused bout them. I thought you said because my sentence starts with an "ing" word it affected the rest of the words? I'm not getting the tenses at all. Thanks again for all the help the last few crits shvon, Happy New Year, and all the best to you n yours. x bri x

Thanks for your translation, mate. :) As far as the proofy of your last edit, Hiillwalker has done an impeccable job. No need to add anything after that. I understand what you meant by getting good help on this forum. Geez, I wish I'll receive the same input from everybody.

I will use Protekme for my presentation: this is my forum name.

You are a fun guy. . . continue to bring us hilarious stories.
Happy, successful New Year from Mexico, Bri. 
Nic

-- People are usually more convinced by reasons they discovered themselves than by those found by others 
-- I have made this letter longer than usual only because I had no time to make it shorter
              Blaise Pascal

Offline bri h

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 4th edit, #45, inc intro, 1508 words, mild swearing
« Reply #50 on: December 31, 2012, 01:38:50 PM »
Is this crit cos I critted ya poem Phil? ha ha.

Thanks for the crit mate, but I need a favour off ya, I need to concentrate on me tenses first. Once I get those right I'll look at changing the words.  I must admit, I'm liking the way its flowing at the minute, and some of your changes I dont agree with.  The changes you describe dont make sense to me, I don't mean that in an offensive or defensive way, just that your changes change the story and my voice in itIMHO, do you know what I mean?  I'm gonna upset Shvon as well, cos I've seen an example where a Whilst could go in as well.
I'll come back to this after the hostilities are all over.  I hope my answer here doesn't put you off future crits, cos you know I value your opinion and input.  I'm glad youve affected my work positively by enforcing the change of the exclams, even I see now they do nothing to enhance the words or the context. I just have to concentrate on the commas now. respec' bri.  

came back to modify and send a message to nic, thanks for the input and I told you when you came here what it was like re support and good help. Lastly, my Daughter is in Mexico at the minute(I think) She got mugged in Cochabamba, Is that near you? Happy New Year nic, respec bri.
« Last Edit: December 31, 2012, 01:42:16 PM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 4th edit, #45, inc intro, 1508 words, mild swearing
« Reply #51 on: December 31, 2012, 01:51:31 PM »
Please remember we are not experts and often the suggestions I give are based on experience of 'correct' usage or 'approved style' -- dunno how I know stuff, can't explain it -- just know it is often the right way to do it. ;) Can't be arsed finding out why it's right and the full tech spec on it as it doesn't affect my own writing. I can only see/hear what jumps out at me as clumsy or ill-formed expression and offer alternatives based on my own limitations, though I do try to stay close to a writer's style where possible. ;D ;D ;D

Most importantly, you are writing for your reader, not yourself -- so whenever authorial intrusion is mentioned, it is best to tweak or remove the offending sentence/phrase. It's like a stage aside, or an in-joke, and takes the reader out of the narrative. :)

Offline bri h

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 4th edit, #45, inc intro, 1508 words, mild swearing
« Reply #52 on: December 31, 2012, 02:14:02 PM »
Please remember we are not experts and often the suggestions I give are based on experience of 'correct' usage or 'approved style' -- dunno how I know stuff, can't explain it -- just know it is often the right way to do it. ;) Can't be arsed finding out why it's right and the full tech spec on it as it doesn't affect my own writing. I can only see/hear what jumps out at me as clumsy or ill-formed expression and offer alternatives based on my own limitations, though I do try to stay close to a writer's style where possible. ;D ;D ;D

Most importantly, you are writing for your reader, not yourself -- so whenever authorial intrusion is mentioned, it is best to tweak or remove the offending sentence/phrase. It's like a stage aside, or an in-joke, and takes the reader out of the narrative. :)

To tell you the truth shvon, i dont know who I'm aiming my stories at? I've said from the start, that I had no intention of being published.  But now with all this extra knowledge I've gained from you n phil and the rest, I'm leaning ever more towards mebbee getting something printed, not sure yet. I think I'll get em ready for myself and when/if I decide to publish, I'll tighten em up.  I may even do two versions, mine and yours. All up in the air at the minute.  I have so much more to learn before I even get close to that exalted state I feel.  I think with these stories am finding my voice a lot more, but I'm so so whishing I'd paid more attention in English at school now, cos it would be so much easier if I'd learned the good habits back then. xbx
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Dawn

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 4th edit, #45, inc intro, 1508 words, mild swearing
« Reply #53 on: December 31, 2012, 02:14:55 PM »
We can only guide each other. Pick up spots that we as writers miss. Your voice is what makes your writing. However, you have to get the basics right. It gets easier. It's like learning to drive. At first you have to think about the gears, how you hold the wheel, which pedals, but after a while it becomes instinctive and you can work more on the flair.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline bri h

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 5th edit, #54, inc intro, 1488 words, mild swearing
« Reply #54 on: December 31, 2012, 05:11:49 PM »
Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 5th edit, #54, inc intro, 1488 words, mild swearing

I swear (part 1)


South Shields, 1967. In the back lane, I leaned against our back gate, acting the big man in front of the bloke next door . I was swearing at him even though he'd already complained a couple of times to Mam about my bucket-mouth.  Repeating all the foul words I'd heard recently, thinking I was so big and clever while the other kids looked on with their mouths open. They were keen to see what happened next. Altercations in those days before telly, always attracted a small crowd.

I should have realised when their eyes widened in shock with the knowledge that someone other than themselves was going to get their arse smacked good and proper. But I was too busy showing off until someone's hand grasped my collar yanked me off my feet, and I got hauled through the gate.

Mam had seen through all my lies in the past.  She'd known I'd swear again, because I'd repeatedly promised her that I had never sworn at anyone!
She knew, intuitively the way that all mothers did, that I lied a lot, so she'd hidden on the other side of the gate and heard my performance.

She dragged me across the yard, past the coal-house and to the back steps, I was blubbering and pleadeding that I'd be good  from then on. I'd have sworn to anything to avoid what I knew was coming next. But soon my heels were thumping on the rickety stairs as the fading light from the back door illuminated the cobwebs in the roof amid the dirt and stains.  I lost a plimsoll on the way when it snagged on a crack in the stair riser, but that didn't slow Mam down as she hauled me like a sack of spuds into the scruffy scullery.

She'd warned me endlessly that if she caught me swearing, she'd wash my mouth out with Carbolic Soap. If everyday soap could be categorized as nice and sweet, soft and gentle, perfumed and refreshing, then Carbolic was the total opposite.  Blocky, rough, smelling of disinfectant, lather-less, industrial cleaner, and generally horrible. Carbolic was the skinhead of soaps, and I was about to have a meal of it!

I could tell Mam meant business because she took the dirty plates out of the sink and smashed them to the floor in temper, oh Gawd, I was in trouble,  I just stood looking at her, hoping that if I looked dejected enough she'd relent but she didn't. She yanked me by the collar and the seat of my pants. When she had her mad on she could be a strong bugger!  Quite scary in fact.  Then she slammed me onto the damp, smelly drainer, like a butcher slapping a hunk of beef onto a chopping-block. The dampness seeped into my clothes, as my head drooped into the big china sink. Mam mustn't have liked the position I was in because she couldn't get a strong enough hold on me, so she dragged me further up the drainer, scattering the greasy pans and plates that were by the sink waiting to be washed,until I was directly under the brass tap.

I fought her even harder. On the drainer, I struggled and wriggled,trying to shake free of Mam's strong, polished-finger-nailed hand that held me by the throat. I could see the upside-down view of the muck and grease of the sinklip.
But Mam still managed to keep me positioned and I fought her back despite my struggles to keep my head away from the sink edge.
Pans and plates scattered, clattering everywhere as my legs and feet thrashed wildly, she fought to keep me positioned and I fought her back to keep my head away from the tap.

She turned the tap on, there was a clunk as the air was released and I heard the water surging up the pipe.  Then a single drop gathered on the end, and I thought I'd been saved, sometimes the water didn't flow on certain days, due to low pressure and I thought to myself that this was one of those times. But alas for me, not that day!

The treacherous water gushed out of the tap, soaking my head and neck. For a brief second the coldness of the water froze me where I lay.  I now spluttered and spat as I continued to cry and begged Mam to let me go.  But once Mam made up her mind to do something she did it. Oh Gawd, did she do it.
All the while Mam was shouting at me at the top of her voice, "I'll teach you to f***ing swear you little bas***d! You won't f***ing swear again! Will you?  You f***ing little shite!"

I heard snippets of distant shouts drifting up the stairs.  "Go on Mim, give the little bugger what for!" or "Teach the little bugger a lesson he wont forget!"
 
I jammed my mouth closed with a snap. I knew that my mouth had to be open for the Carbolic to be got in. she couldn't shove it between my lips if they were closed tight ?
"Open your mouth, and this'll go easier on you!" shouted Mam.

At that point, three pit ponies wouldn't have got me to open my mouth.
"Open your mouth" she repeated quieter.

I remember defiantly staring at her, if it could be called a stare? I had to keep blinking to keep the splashes of water out of my eyes. My mouth was still wedged shut, but at the same time I tried to dodge the water that still gushed out of the tap.

Then she leaned down , got right in my face, until we were practically nose to nose and repeated in a really strange quiet-like voice,
"Brian, open your mouth," then she gave me one of those rictus-smiles where I knew she was also gritting her teeth. I was really scared. then!
Anyone who's experienced a stern-loving Mother like this will know exactly what I'm talking about.  This was the killer-smile. that brooked no more arguments, no resistance, no bullshit. This kind of calm command had to be obeyed, or woe betide anyone. I knew then it was no good.

I stammered a quick "Please Mam," but instantly she jammed the carbolic soap into me gob!  Oh she could be so quick!  I gagged, I knew for sure I was going to die.  She began rubbing and drubbing like wash day on a Monday, while singing some obscure little song.  Her eyes, normally blue and pretty, were just slits in her face.
Meanwhile I begged and sobbed and got myself worked up into a lather, I felt really sorry for myself then. The bar was wedged between my teeth, she really put some 'elbow grease' into it. The taste was horrible, like sucking on a toilet urinal cake, and trying like frig not to swallow. She was thorough, determined she was going to teach me a lesson, even if it meant someone reporting her to the National Assistance.

Finally it was over. She stood me on my feet. I, of course, being the devious little git that I am, wobbled a bit, and looked as if I was about to faint. Mam wrapped me in her arms, acting all contrite, guilt could be a good commodity when you were eight and knew how to wield it. As she wrapped me in her arms cooing to me and telling herself what a horrible person she was for inflicting this on her poor child I made a cardinal error. I smiled, thinking to myself of how I could turn this to my advantage?

She saw this and instantly reverted to Were-Mam, my arse was back on that draining board in a flash. She had the Carbolic soap in her hand raised and ready to "wash" me again. I looked on with what I can only now describe as a futile-acceptance of something uncontrollable. She saw this, and slowly dropped the bar onto the floor, looked at me with a little discomfort and possibly shame on her face and told me to get off the drainer.

I hung my head, I was totally knackered by my exertions and swore on the Bible that I wouldn't ever swear again. She stood in front of me with her hands on her hips, her foot constantly tapping its temper-fuelled rhythm.  I knew I could still be in trouble at this sign. She sighed and said under her breath, as she shook her head slowly from side to side, "Eee, our Brian, what am I going to do with you?"

I'd like to say at the end here I wish I could admit that I learned my lesson that day. But I'd be lying, because I still swore, I just never put myself in the position of letting mam hear me.


« Last Edit: December 31, 2012, 05:19:50 PM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline bri h

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 5th edit, #54, inc intro, 1488 words, mild swearing
« Reply #55 on: December 31, 2012, 05:44:25 PM »
I had second thoughts and decided to try most of Phils suggestions to see how it looks, I kinda like it, I'll come back later and have a proper look to see if I'm still in there anywhere!  ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 5th edit, #54, inc intro, 1488 words, mild swearing
« Reply #56 on: December 31, 2012, 10:05:18 PM »
Repeating all the foul words I'd heard recently, thinking I was so big and clever, while the other kids looked on with their mouths open.

This is not a style call -- it is grammatically incorrect with 'while' in there. If you want to use 'while' it will have to go at the beginning of the sentence, but -- this is a style call -- I think that weakens the sentence and is unnecessary as it can cope without it. ;)

Offline bri h

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 5th edit, #54, inc intro, 1488 words, mild swearing
« Reply #57 on: December 31, 2012, 10:28:25 PM »
hmmm? First crit of the new year chuck thanks for it. I'll bow to your wisdom o great one and take the bugger out. ha ha, did you party then or just have a quiet one? xbx
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 5th edit, #54, inc intro, 1488 words, mild swearing
« Reply #58 on: January 01, 2013, 06:41:18 AM »
Quick couple of spots:

In the back lane, I leaned against our back gate

I was blubbering and pleadeding that I'd be good

I could see the upside-down view of the muck and grease of the sinklip. - no comment.

I jammed my mouth closed with a snap. I knew that my mouth had to be open . . ."Open your mouth '. . . three pit ponies wouldn't have got me to open my mouth. "Open your mouth"

HNY

H3K

Offline bri h

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Re: I Swear (part 1), wip, 5th edit, #54, inc intro, 1488 words, mild swearing
« Reply #59 on: January 01, 2013, 09:03:17 AM »
Happy New Year to you as well phil, thanks for the 3 pit ponies, sometimes we cant see whats obviously right in front of our own faces. I never thought of that ref. See what you mean about the repeats of mouth, will re-edit later. respec
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx