Author Topic: I Swear, wip, 8th edit, #106, 1372 words, mild swearing plus one F word  (Read 26408 times)

hillwalker3000

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Re: I Swear, wip, 8th edit, #106, 1372 words, mild swearing plus one F word
« Reply #135 on: January 03, 2013, 08:43:11 AM »
^^ are arrows pointing to what's been written above.  ;D

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Offline bri h

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Re: I Swear, wip, 8th edit, #106, 1372 words, mild swearing plus one F word
« Reply #136 on: January 03, 2013, 08:46:25 AM »
Although 'classroom exercises' can help polish up certain aspects of your writing, this ^^ is the only way to learn to write in my opinion. Punctuation is just a case of getting rid of bad habits. Controlling tenses and improving grammar will come from reading and trial-and-error writing.

I don't know what the sign means, is it deliberate as its pointing up to the above sentence? or is it just a highlight you use? b
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

hillwalker3000

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Re: I Swear, wip, 8th edit, #106, 1372 words, mild swearing plus one F word
« Reply #137 on: January 03, 2013, 09:08:10 AM »
The only way to learn is to - read and - write each day. The 'Two things' I wrote above (^^) that third paragraph.

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Offline bri h

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Re: I Swear, wip, 8th edit, #106, 1372 words, mild swearing plus one F word
« Reply #138 on: January 03, 2013, 09:11:15 AM »
oh, I see, cheers then, b
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Pale Writer

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Re: I Swear, wip, 8th edit, #106, 1372 words, mild swearing plus one F word
« Reply #139 on: January 04, 2013, 04:28:28 PM »
Hello Brian

I am unsure where you are with this piece. I see you have a few comments but will voice one of mine.  Your beginning is passive.  I do not believe this is a good thing to do.  That is not to say that the words have to be removed, but, I think you could start off right away with your mam catching you by the collar after your burst of cursing. 

The reason I say this is because the logical turn of events would be as such. First comes the act and then the reaction. Whenever I see a story starting with 'was' or an explanation prior to the knowledge of what, I wonder why.

You could use the first section after, in fact I believe it would follow the natural time flow. You mentioned this is your 8th edit.  Well done, but don't get too stuck on this section, write on. Finish first. As it develops so do your characters, plot, etc. When you go back, things that seemed fine can often change. This is the time to look at sequencing.

As I mentioned I do not know where you are in this piece, but I hope you reconsider your opening sequence.

Thank you

Pale

Offline bri h

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Re: I Swear, wip, 8th edit, #106, 1372 words, mild swearing plus one F word
« Reply #140 on: January 04, 2013, 04:57:00 PM »
Hiya Pale, thanks for taking the time with this and critting it. I've done with it for the time being. On the good advice of others on this wonderful site, I've been persuaded to stop editing old stuff and work on new things. I'm guilty I'm afraid, of making a lot of mistakes and compounding them by doing edits and re-posts almost straight away. I have something wrong with me memory and I forget things. i'm not lazy or owt, I just have to write things down or risk forgetting, like I did with most of my pieces, so I don't blame any of the guys for adv me to leave off for a while. As I've said here enough times, I actually thought I had a good education in matters of English Lit, it wasn't until I came here that I found out I haven't. I need now, to get a better education then come back, and post. I'll keep going in diff writing projects but try my best not to post until I'm at least reasonably sure I have the techie ability to do so. I have great contentIMO to write, but no real techie ability to get it across the page properly or accurately, thanks again. Bri.

modifyer, sorry meant to say, I'll look at taking the first para out or just changing it around. b
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx