Author Topic: Nostalgia (Please read and critique :))  (Read 942 times)

-_-

  • Guest
Nostalgia (Please read and critique :))
« on: December 24, 2012, 07:56:13 PM »
Days like this, I
ache.
I sit in the garden and pretend you're there.
The sun on my picnic blanket, while nature's green glow matures,
Blocking out the horror's of the world which I have known.
But now, I sit on the outside
looking in.
Think back to those days:
LSD, walking the streets, pro-choice
and undercurrents of punk.

The air was electric with revolution
and the night tasted of lust and
Cheap motels.
I was 50 for an hour and 10 every extra.
My life is a trail of 10s, full of those extra hours.
Green turned to red - always
waiting for /more./

Always holding on, blood slicked fingers
slipping.
And in Summer's red glow
You
Roll back around.
« Last Edit: December 27, 2012, 10:51:49 AM by Alice, a Country Gal »

Offline StrangeMercy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 853
Re: Nostalgia (Please read and critique :))
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2013, 08:37:00 AM »
I think most of this is too telling. I think the 'Sun on my picnic blanket' is a lovely image and the poem could do with more of these.

I like the idea of this and think you could work to make this a lot stronger piece.
''My tops off - I'm a goose pimpled god! I'll quiver the jellies of every heavy and every bully that I might cross''

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: Nostalgia (Please read and critique :))
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2013, 11:05:22 AM »
Erm . . . slightly confused -- the N worked as a prostitute to fund a drug habit? I don't understand the blood-slicked fingers or who 'you' might me -- the old person the N used to be, a lover? With the reflection on the bad past it reads [from the title] that 'you' belongs in history and if the past was so bad, why would the N want to have fond memories of 'you'? Or is this ironic?

horror's ->>>> horrors [just a plural]

Offline drab

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3891
Re: Nostalgia (Please read and critique :))
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2013, 11:17:45 PM »
Not too bad.
No confusion here. Life was good, life turned bad, and memories of the good times.
Enjoyed the read.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.