Author Topic: Your Smile  (Read 1709 times)

-_-

  • Guest
Your Smile
« on: December 23, 2012, 05:51:25 PM »
Your smile
was from a time,
when 'punk' wasn't so mainstream.
A time when the villagers would see
Us on their way to
Church; shake their heads. Wonder where our mothers were.
Oh, but she was in my heart and she was the best.
(Most of the time).

She would have me at 17, but willed me to fade away.
And spent the rest of her life failing to feel
Guilty about that.
Your smile is from a time before her.
Or maybe a different time completely.

But men, men who drive us apart in their
Fords; and break our hearts - it's hard to remember that whatever falls gets broken.
But will he be there to catch you?
Or take your own self and
SLAM
shut the fortress of your body, and leave you there dry?

Men are always from our time,
Watching your smile,
Clumsy hands sliding between thighs.

Offline StrangeMercy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 853
Re: Your Smile
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2012, 09:47:28 PM »
Interesting. Slightly disturbing.

I really like the final stanza actually and the line about the villagers. I think L9-11 and L17-19 looses the thread a little and is not as strong as it could be. I would think about how to make the metaphors stronger and I am not too sure I like 'when punk wasn't so mainstream', but at the same time it works too - - -

Strange
X
« Last Edit: December 23, 2012, 09:52:15 PM by StrangeMercy »
''My tops off - I'm a goose pimpled god! I'll quiver the jellies of every heavy and every bully that I might cross''

Offline drab

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3896
Re: Your Smile
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2012, 10:16:40 PM »
Yes, most men are the same, if you isolate certain traits.
That said, IMO this is a rather good poem.
It's worthy of more attention, too telly in parts.
But very enjoyable none the less.
Well done.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

-_-

  • Guest
Re: Your Smile
« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2012, 07:47:36 AM »
Thanks guys, some great feedback :)

Offline duck

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2921
  • The best laid plans of mice and men turn to ...
Re: Your Smile
« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2012, 08:10:03 AM »
Hi
I enjoyed this though it wandered around a bit. I would remove all the unnecessary capitals at the beginning of lines.
In stanza 1 it has to be assumed that 'she' in line 7 is your mother. In line 6 there are at least two mothers.
I don't get the reference to mother and 17.
I also got a bit lost as who all the pronouns were referring to - he, us, our, you, etc.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2012, 08:14:03 AM by duck »

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: Your Smile
« Reply #5 on: December 25, 2012, 10:24:16 PM »
Not sure what your intended image is with slamming shut the fortress of someone's body. A fortress for me is something impenetrable -- unless you let the drawbridge down :-\