Author Topic: Shime Saba  (Read 1140 times)

Offline Royal Kumari

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 153
    • Findings: A compilation of thoughts, images, and words
Shime Saba
« on: December 23, 2012, 01:45:32 AM »
The perfect bite comes on a rounded square.
Glossy white porcelain is in contrast to
gleaming skin of silver
and the opaque softness of flesh.
Eye-popping red tomato says hello
to earthy truffle oil
all on a bed of room temperature rice.
Each grain was handled with care formerly in the congee.
With my palm facing down,
I grab the delicate morsel by the sides,
and flip with ease and fragility
exactly onto my anxious taste buds.
The salt fresh oil has a love affair with this red little acidic vegetable
and I can feel the coolness of the saba
on my lips cheeks tongue.
Too soon the moments through and Iím sipping
back a swig of unfiltered sake.

« Last Edit: December 23, 2012, 01:53:48 AM by Royal Kumari »

Offline StrangeMercy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 853
Re: Shime Saba
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2012, 06:54:55 AM »
This made me hungry!

I like it. Reminds me of a M&S advert with that sultry woman's voice.... 'This isin't just any food'. Haha

For crits.

Although I know what you mean by 'eye popping' I feel like a better adj could be used that would make the image fresh. I feel you could do this with other parts too.

I say too much telling is not great.

I think your on the right track (not that I am an expert or any good - jut trying to learn too)

Strange
:) :) :)
« Last Edit: December 23, 2012, 06:57:20 AM by StrangeMercy »
''My tops off - I'm a goose pimpled god! I'll quiver the jellies of every heavy and every bully that I might cross''

Offline duck

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2921
  • The best laid plans of mice and men turn to ...
Re: Shime Saba
« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2012, 08:34:01 AM »
Hi
For me this is too much information and the images you post simply form a distraction. I don't want visual aids, i want the poem to open up its own self-contained world.
Duck

-_-

  • Guest
Re: Shime Saba
« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2012, 11:24:11 AM »
I liked the poem, but I think you should definitely replace 'eye-popping' and 'coolness'. You didn't need the picture, distracted from the poem a bit. But apart from that, good job :)

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: Shime Saba
« Reply #4 on: December 25, 2012, 10:29:27 PM »
moments ->>> moment's

Could do with some tightening IMO perhaps with some stronger verb choices and tweaks to lose 'of' which contributes to the poem's telling nature.


The perfect bite comes on a rounded square.
Glossy white porcelain is in contrast to
gleaming skin of silver
and the opaque softness of flesh.
Eye-popping red tomato says hello
to earthy truffle oil
all on a bed of room temperature rice.
Each grain was handled with care formerly in the congee.
With my palm facing down,
I grab the delicate morsel by the sides,
and flip with ease and fragility
exactly onto my anxious taste buds.
The salt fresh oil has a love affair with this red little acidic vegetable
and I can feel the coolness of the saba
on my lips cheeks tongue.
Too soon the moments through and Iím sipping
back a swig of unfiltered sake.