Author Topic: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)  (Read 2038 times)

sheggarty

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Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« on: December 22, 2012, 09:40:42 PM »

Window Pane

Restless condensation. Beyond a glass horizon
she tumbles naively on; on further
bounded up by the haze of a million
metal suns that orbit the pavement.
Footsteps bounce and scrape off his tarmac
Engines growl, scream softly. Beating loud then nothing, they sprint past
More footsteps on the tarmac; then a few more, loud then nothing
An attempt of warning perhaps, a cry of hope

But if the symphony was louder; if only
No innocent shrieks would pierce my soul
inside and out; always. Forever
Torment would vanish, flee from its cruel trenches
If only.

I gaze  onwards from my window; window pane
I witness again in turbulent dreams
her mangled vessel choked by fountains of scarlet
as she beats loud then nothing



 

Offline Royal Kumari

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2012, 10:01:50 PM »
Nice first go.
 ;)

I would say avoid cliches such as "pierce my soul," & "cry of hope," or any predictable chain of words.
Maybe clean it up with some punctuation.

Sometimes when I want to write one stanza better I read and and write exactly what I had meant without metaphors or similes and then work on word choice/ metaphors/ etc. from there.  :-\

-RK

Offline StrangeMercy

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2012, 10:02:38 PM »
I am not sure I understand what this is about, but I will attempt to give some feedback.

First off, I don't see how 'she' can 'tumble naively'. This and other lines don't make sense and is difficulty to imagine. There are one too many abstract metaphors which are difficult to interpret IMO. I like the 'footsteps bounce and scrape'. The repetition of phrases and words can become tiring to read. I don't understand much of S2 tbh.    

What do you mean by 'mangled vessel choked by fountains of scarlet'?

I don't think this is bad for a first try but I think it needs a lot of work and hacking away at.

Looking to see where you take this.

Best.

Strange
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''My tops off - I'm a goose pimpled god! I'll quiver the jellies of every heavy and every bully that I might cross''

sheggarty

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2012, 10:34:28 PM »
It's about watching a girll being run over from my window

Offline StrangeMercy

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2012, 11:10:55 PM »
Okay, from you explaining that its about a girl being run over - I can kind of make the links to this, however, there are too many cliches and sentences that don't make any sense. I mean what does 'if only No innocent shrieks would pierce my soul inside and out; always.' mean?

Here' is a suggestion:

Restless condensation. Beyond a glass (the) horizon
she tumbles naively on; on further
(and) bound(s)ed (under) up by the haze of a million
metal suns that orbit(ing) the pavement.
Footsteps bounce and scrape off his (on) tarmac
Engines growl, (and) scream softly. (Loud) (b)Beating loud then nothing, they sprint past[/s]
More (of) footsteps on the tarmac; then a few more, loud then nothing
An attempt of warning perhaps, a cry of hope
(decipherable from my window)

But if the (A) (shrieking) symphony was louder; if only
No innocent
shrieks would pierce(s) my soul (the ears)
inside and out; always. Forever
Torment would vanish, flee from its cruel trenches
If only.


I gaze onwards from my window; window pane
I witness(ing) again in turbulent dreams
her mangled vessel chok(ing)ed by (on) fountains of scarlet (blood,)
as (the) she (turbulent) beats loud then nothing (quietens, then silence.)

As I said this is just a suggestion feel free to do with it as you will. I hope I have helped.

Strange
« Last Edit: December 22, 2012, 11:17:00 PM by StrangeMercy »
''My tops off - I'm a goose pimpled god! I'll quiver the jellies of every heavy and every bully that I might cross''

Offline TwoSuns

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #5 on: December 22, 2012, 11:13:08 PM »
Hi Sheggarty,

I honestly don't know where to start with this poem. I understand that this is your first time writing poetry but it doesn't really excuse the poor way that it is written - which has been my major concern with it. You misuse semi-colons and there are sentences which make no sense. However, even looking past that, there is nothing for me as a reader to grasp onto. The images are far too abstract to comprehend. The only line that I feel contains a strong image is "footsteps bounce and scrape off his Tarmac" but I am still left confused - who is this he? I know how it feels as a writer starting out and being very unsure as to how to write and how to improve, so I'll highlight specifics for you so you can revise this and make it stronger - especially because I feel the subject you are writing about deserves it.

Restless condensation. Beyond a glass horizon I don't see how condensation can be restless

she tumbles naively on; on further you can't really tumble naively

bounded up by the haze of a million I understand the image since you told us the subject
metal suns that orbit the pavement. but its far too abstract

Footsteps bounce and scrape off his tarmac strong image

Engines growl, scream softly. Beating loud then nothing, they sprint past again I understand
More footsteps on the tarmac; then a few more, loud then nothing what you are trying to
An attempt of warning perhaps, a cry of hope say but the images could be far stronger here
But if the symphony was louder; if only

No innocent shrieks would pierce my soul these images don't really make much sense
inside and out; always. Forever

Torment would vanish, flee from its cruel trenches neither does this sentence
If only.

I gaze  onwards from my window; window pane you do not need to repeat window

I witness again in turbulent dreams i kind of see what you are trying to say
her mangled vessel choked by fountains of scarlet but it is too abstract
as she beats loud then nothing

I think the major problem in terms of content is that you do not paint a clear enough image or set of images for your reader. Do not be discourages though, take the advice you get here and create something amazing with it :).

I hope this has helped,

Will x

sheggarty

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2012, 06:18:04 AM »
Restless condensation conveys the restless movements that lie beyond my window, and through the condensation on it
You can tumble naively. It is the way her feet tumble forward without care, naively as she does not know the impending horror about to come her way
She is bounded up or surrounded by street lights on the pavement
I repeat the footsteps and loud then noting to reinforce the aural imagery of how the cars go past and how you hear their engines loud then nothing
Beating is used to instil a sense of how her heart will ultimately beat loud then nothing, or life itself "out out brief candle"
If only" is said because if the symphony of cars and growls of engines were louder maybe she would have been more aware
"no innocent shrieks would pierce my soul inside and out; always. Forever" is depicting how different I would feel if I did not hear her innocent shriek as she was killed that night
I repeat window because it is the underlying "window pain" that I'm trying to communicate
The last stanza is easy and just  I always watch again in my nightmares pools of blood flowing from her mangled body.
Then the imagery of the cars is repeated but is meant to imply her death as her heart and life " beats loud then nothing"

sheggarty

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2012, 06:19:17 AM »
Strange mercie I don't think you have understood the poem ..

Offline StrangeMercy

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #8 on: December 23, 2012, 06:36:04 AM »
Okay, your explanation made this even more confusing. What is the relationship between the condensation on the window and what is happening outside? Other than the condensation being on the window where the N is looking out of.

I don't think 'naively' works well to describe what you are trying to say. How can one be bound up by or in street lights? (am I really just being thick here)

Instead of continuing to read your explanation for each bit and writing a response to your explanation so I can understand, I am just going to say if you think you get all those across regardless of all my suggestions, all I can say is....... Well done.

Best

Strange Mercy.
« Last Edit: December 23, 2012, 07:04:49 AM by StrangeMercy »
''My tops off - I'm a goose pimpled god! I'll quiver the jellies of every heavy and every bully that I might cross''

sheggarty

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #9 on: December 23, 2012, 07:23:53 AM »
Using caesura,  I have tried to jar the flow of e poem to demonstrate how emotionly jarred the narrator is

Offline StrangeMercy

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #10 on: December 23, 2012, 08:04:12 AM »
The badly placed semi-colons are distracting. I like the idea of the poem but not how it is executed e.g. How are street lamps orbiting? I get a round-ish motion. How are the steer lights orbiting the pavement?
''My tops off - I'm a goose pimpled god! I'll quiver the jellies of every heavy and every bully that I might cross''

sheggarty

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #11 on: December 23, 2012, 11:39:50 AM »
They are supposed to be distracting and disruptive . I don't think you get it ..

Offline StrangeMercy

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #12 on: December 23, 2012, 12:00:47 PM »
Never mind - I guess I don't get it after all or see it.
« Last Edit: December 23, 2012, 12:04:26 PM by StrangeMercy »
''My tops off - I'm a goose pimpled god! I'll quiver the jellies of every heavy and every bully that I might cross''

Offline TwoSuns

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #13 on: December 23, 2012, 12:05:30 PM »
Quote
They are supposed to be distracting and disruptive . I don't think you get it ..

The problem is they are misused. If you spent as much time taking the feedback you have received and revising the poem that you have done defending  then it would be greatly improved. I understand that you want to defend your work but you did ask for feedback and that's what you got, put it to good use :)

Will x
« Last Edit: December 23, 2012, 12:42:53 PM by TwoSuns »

Offline bri h

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Re: Window Pane (first try at any poetry so please review it)
« Reply #14 on: December 23, 2012, 12:13:01 PM »
I'm a poor judge of poetry,(your kind of abstract stuff anyway) because I prefer hallmark, rhyming or cliche'd poems.  To me the Poet has to, with words, create a connection between the Author and the Reader.  Although I love some of your descrips, I don't get your abstracts, at all. I get the, "restless condensation", because condensation IS restless as it runs down a pane, the other stuff is a little too troublesome to me.  I've watched you inter-act with the posters who've kindly critted your stuff, and its good to see you explain your words. BUT, IMO if you have to explain your poem, for people to try to understand it, then it loses its impact. Again, let me say, I'm no judge on this type of poetry, just on people and words, especially words that connect.  I hope you understand where I'm coming from in this and you go on to improve your work. Sincerely, Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx