Author Topic: CHAPTER ONE; SHADOW WALK CONT'D WARNING! PG 13  (Read 2233 times)

Offline Aurora Collins

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CHAPTER ONE; SHADOW WALK CONT'D WARNING! PG 13
« on: September 10, 2006, 02:23:58 PM »
Agent Scott glanced around to make sure the street was still deserted and then picked the girl up.

Patterson waited at the back of the van as he carried her to it. Placing her in the back, they got in and headed west out of town.

Patterson glanced in the rearview mirror as he heard the girl moan. “Why is she waking up? She shouldn’t be waking up.”

"You moron, you didn't put enough stuff in the syringe."

Scott went over the passenger’s seat into the back. Patterson grimaced, but kept looking straight ahead. He knew him all too well. 
 
He hated what Scott was about to do. Scott was notorious for abusing young girls.
   
He heard the struggle ensue. By the sound of kicking and grunting, the girl was now fighting for her life.

“Please, don’t!” she cried. “I want t-to g-go home.”
   
Patterson nearly lost control of the van as her primeval screams echoed through it.

Scott cursed. Patterson glanced back in time to receive warm blood splatter across his cheek. Scott was shaking his hand. She had bit him. He heard the crack as Scott slapped her across her cheek.

“Did you have to do that?”

Breathing heavily, Scott asked, “Did you bother to bring another syringe?”

“Got one in the duffle bag.”

“Well, pull over and help me.” He hit the girl again.

Patterson jerked the wheel, sending the van into a skid through the rough gravel along the verge of the road. In one motion, he shoved the gear shift into park and rolled over the seat into the back.

The girl lay unmoving, her face covered with blood. Scott stared down at her and then smiled as he drew his fist back again.

Patterson swallowed the bile rising hot in his throat. Furious, he grabbed Scott’s upraised fist. “Enough man, you’re gonna kill her.  If you cause me to lose my share of the fee, I’ll kick the living crap outta you.”

Scott looked up, blinked and then grunted as he injected her with the new syringe.  Then he smiled again as he ripped her blouse open.

"Hey, not this time. They’ve warned you.”

 Scott pulled a gun from a holster inside his jacket. “We’ve played this game before.  You know you’re not going to stop me, partner. Now just get back into the front and drive.”

 “You kill this one, and you’re on your own. I’m done covering up for your sadistic trysts.”

Patterson headed toward the abandoned farm which served as a safe house.

***

The sickly sweet scent of blood and urine assaulted Patterson’s nostrils, as he scrubbed at the red stains in a local carwash.  He hated being Scott's clean up guy.

Scott, holed up in the local safe house, had told him to go to hell when he asked for his help. Patterson refused to allow himself think about what Scott was probably doing to the girl right now.  He shook his head. Scott would not escape this time and brother or not, he was not going down with him. Scott had become unstable, dangerous and a threat to Tanas Global's security.

***

They traveled along the deserted New Mexico highway.  The van, along with the landscape, melted under the undulating heat waves.  No other vehicle was in sight.

Patterson turned to look at their acquisition.  The girl in the back of the van groaned, but did little else.
From behind a cop of stunted trees a non-descript, white jeep Cherokee barreled toward them. Scott slowed and then stopped as it blocked their path.  An armed guard in drab-green fatigues and carrying an M16 got out and walked to the driver’s side window. The password was given and Scott drove on.  They turned onto a side road, heading toward New Mexico’s southwestern Tanas’ lab.

END CHAPTER
« Last Edit: September 10, 2006, 05:46:25 PM by Aurora Collins »
Here I stand on a precipice, looking into the vast chasm of uncertainty,
Seeing the other side, ripe with success, wondering if someday that be me.
Then deciding I'll take nothing less.
Aurora Collins © 2005

Offline eric

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Re: CHAPTER ONE; SHADOW WALK CONT'D WARNING! PG 13
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2006, 03:37:12 PM »
A few things --

"He dreaded what would come soon" is nearly redundant of "He hated what would come next."  I would delete the "hated" sentence.

The transitions are hard to follow in the latter part of the chapter.  Patterson is talking to Scott when he says "I'm done covering up for your sadistic trysts" ... but in the next sentence Scott is gone and Patterson is cleaning the van.  In the next sentence, Scott is presumably doing unthinkable things to the girl in a safe house.  With no clear transition, in the next paragraph they are traveling along the New Mexico highway.

I would take out the commas after "I'm done," and "The girl lay,"

Interesting story!

 
« Last Edit: September 10, 2006, 03:38:52 PM by eric »

Offline Aurora Collins

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Re: CHAPTER ONE; SHADOW WALK CONT'D WARNING! PG 13
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2006, 05:40:26 PM »
A few things --

"He dreaded what would come soon" is nearly redundant of "He hated what would come next."  I would delete the "hated" sentence.

The transitions are hard to follow in the latter part of the chapter.  Patterson is talking to Scott when he says "I'm done covering up for your sadistic trysts" ... but in the next sentence Scott is gone and Patterson is cleaning the van.  In the next sentence, Scott is presumably doing unthinkable things to the girl in a safe house.  With no clear transition, in the next paragraph they are traveling along the New Mexico highway.

I would take out the commas after "I'm done," and "The girl lay,"

Interesting story!

 

Eric,

I understand your confusion. I forgot to place the *** for scene changes. I see what you mean by the commas. I will correct those.

Thanks for the comments! :)

Aurora
Here I stand on a precipice, looking into the vast chasm of uncertainty,
Seeing the other side, ripe with success, wondering if someday that be me.
Then deciding I'll take nothing less.
Aurora Collins © 2005