Author Topic: Fantasy, drama, horror script in the vein of Pan's Labyrinth, pt 1  (Read 7216 times)

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Fantasy, drama, horror script in the vein of Pan's Labyrinth, pt 1
« Reply #15 on: December 02, 2012, 03:09:29 PM »
hi stubbs,

just to reiterate - if you need to ask anything, feel free. no one will get offended here.  8)

anyway, onto the opening section as i haven't got a lot of time to crit.

Quote
INT. SYNTANIA CASTLE - meeting room- Afternoon

Three GENERALS and a gaggle of POLITICIANS burst into a room a with a long rectangular wooden table. They hurry around it quickly moving to their designated seats. Nervous chatter and bicker ensues as several politicians drop parchment scrolls onto the table and rapidly begin to shuffle through the papers.

think about the picture in terms of camera shots (without mentioning camera angles). what do you want the viewer to focus upon? how is it going to grab their attention?

Quote
Three GENERALS and a gaggle of POLITICIANS burst into a room a with a long rectangular wooden table.

they burst into a room with a long rectangular wooden table OR they enter a room with a long rectangular table. it's unclear the way you say it and has two meanings.

INT. SYNTANIA CASTLE - meeting room- Afternoon (all caps)

how do we know it's afternoon and is it important to the story. i have a vision of a great big hall that houses the long rectangular table. in keeping with the castle theme, the windows are high up and the sun is streaming down upon the table - this leaves the rest of the room in shadows. and shadows are great for scheming!

not sure about gaggle of politicians - i want to read a gaggle of geese.

think about the images and the shots and tighten up the images. as it stands at the moment, i would write it like so:

INT. SYNTANIA CASTLE/MEETING ROOM - AFTERNOON

A long, rectangular, wooden table fills the centre of the hall. Sunlight streams from the upper windows onto the empty table.

Three GENERALS and some POLITICIANS burst through the heavy doors.

They hurry to their designated seats. Nervous chatter and bicker ensues as the politicians place their scrolls onto the table.



or something like that - within that scene, there is at least 3-4 camera shots which gives it more interest and urgency.

all the best,

daryl

Offline stubbs5569

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Re: Fantasy, drama, horror script in the vein of Pan's Labyrinth, pt 1
« Reply #16 on: December 02, 2012, 11:26:43 PM »
Daryl

Fantastic advice in line with what everyone else has been saying. I will definitely work in some of the tips from this thread into the rewrite.

Best
Stubbs