These were my thoughts so far mate. I hope they help.
What I feel is misssing is the actions. I think you have a good thing going on here though. I've read all of it but only critted half.
From BLACK:
I don't know where these people are? Are they important throughout the script? If so I'd name them. WOMAN
Did you see that?
MAN
See what?
WOMAN
Where they are hiding, over there.
Focus.
FADE IN:
EXT. CHAPEL - DAY
A small chapel snuggled against the precipitous wall of a
massive precipice. Smoke curls out of the makeshift roof of
the building which comprises different materials: thatch,
some corrugated iron sheets and broken tiles.
The chapel's door, a contrivance of broken staves held
together by coils of barbed wire, wobbles open.
A man, DRAKE (40s), dressed in filthy rags, steps out. He
surveys his proximity then calls.
DRAKE
Tommy! Tommy!
TOMMY (O.S.)
Coming dad.
An emaciated boy, TOMMY, emerges from the tall patches of
grass that surround the chapel. He drags the bloody carcass
of a dog after him.
TOMMY (CONT'D)
Spunk got shot, I knew we'd need him
so I-
Drake nods. He assists the boy. Together, with great
exertion, they drag the dog's carcass into the chapel.
INT. CHAPEL - MOMENTS LATER
A hall-like room. It's illuminated by an old-timey kerosene
lamp that dangles from a hook which's on one of the walls.
It's light barely reaches the furthest recesses of the empty
room but it's just possible to make out a mass of PEOPLE
approach from the darkness.
The NEWCOMERS form a ring around Drake and the boy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.
Drake holds up one hand. They grumble but queue up behind
the boy.
Drake starts to flay the dog.
The door explodes and a hail of gun-fire peppers the crowd.
A number of them fall.
DRAKE
Run! The tunnel, get away it's the
hunters!
The crowd disperses in confusion. A gun shot shatters the
lamp, plunging the chapel into darkness.
DRAKE (CONT'D)
Tommy where are you?
Should have the boys name and show what is exactly happening to him. BOY
Dad I'm here. Is that you holding
my. . .who's holding my hand? Daddy!
Dad they got me. They-
The boy screams, a long, drawn-out squall which fades out to
a gargle after a moment.
Confusion reigns because I don't know who the attackers are and who is being chased. Perhaps label the name. WOMAN
Lights on, they're getting away!
A powerful searchlight stabs the chapel revealing the last
escapees disappear into a tunnel whose entry is at the point
where the pulpit should be.
The action of Tommy being killed isn't anywhere. The woman, kneeling over Tommy's decapitated body drops the
knife she clutches and whipping out a pistol, fires a blind
shot at the fleeing people.
The last in the group tumbles.
WOMAN (CONT'D)
Collect everyone down and seal the
exit but keep this
(nodding at Tommy's
body)
separate. The chief loves them young.
Two ATTENDANTS in red coveralls flit to the woman's side.
They bundle Tommy's body along with the dog's carcass into a
large box labeled "MEAT."
ATTENDANT #1
Captain?
The woman turns to face the light. Removes the helmet she
wears revealing a haggard face. This is DELILAH WASPE (30s).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.
