Author Topic: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words  (Read 10255 times)

Offline fort street

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Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« on: November 26, 2012, 02:47:30 PM »

                                NIGHT SHIFT
Characters: IGOR
Mrs Johnson
 A MAN DRESSED IN BUILDER`S OVERALLS AND A CLOAK. A WOMEN APPROACHES, WITH A TRAY OF TEA AND BISCUITS.

MRS JOHNSON:   Custard cream, Mr Igor?
IGOR:          No thank you, excellent Mrs Johnson. We are not, how you say, custard cream people. Work good, no?
MRS JOHNSON:   Ah I……….
IGOR:          (Interrupting) Great work, excellent Mrs Johnson who pays cash on completion. I have experiences. Ten thousand peasants laboured to build my castle in black mountains of old country.                       
 
MRS Johnson:    They, were cash on completion too? Mr IGOR.

IGOR:    (IGNORING HER) I was old when the world was young. I commanded armies. I carved from blood a thousand year dynasty.
( CONTINUED)    You! only have kitchen extension, it no problem.
MRS JOHNSON:     I should hope it isn`t. I was just……..
IGOR:    (INTERRUPTING HER AND ADDRESSING SOUNDS OF BUILDING WORK) Come my children of the night, exult in thy labours, and slay the demons of sloth, the dragons of idleness

SOUNDS OF BUILDING WORK INCREASES.
Mrs Johnson.   You`re certainly hard workers……..         
IGOR:              We never miss coming. Are always here, like man tied to rock and eagle peck his eyes out.
MRS JOHNSON:     Yes, but you only seem to be here at night.
IGOR:     Excellent Mrs Johnson. We travel in luxurious black driverless coach pulled by six wild black stallions. But road works on by pass cause trouble.
Mrs JOHNSON:    Every day?
IGOR:    Driverless coach  can`t see where it`s going and satnav not working.

Mr Johnson:     Couldn`t you have just got a driver?
IGOR            We wait for materials. We wait for hand crafted kitchen units from the screaming forest in black mountains. We wait for dowels fashioned from fangs of wild mountain wolves. Plus Constantine waits two weeks for B&Q u bend.
Mr Johnson:    (INTERRUPTING) I asked for Ikea.
IGOR:     Screaming forest kitchen units always come with full set of instructions.
Mrs Johnson:    And this (INDICATING FLOOR), Mr IGOR it looks like soil.
IGOR:    Not soil, Excellent Mrs Johnson,   earth! (IGOR FALLS TO HIS KNEES SCOOPS UP AN HANDFUL OF EARTH AND LETS IT RUN THROUGH HIS FINGERS) this earth has known the tread of conquerors.
Mrs JOHNSON:      I have to keep vacuuming the lounge.
IGOR:    `Earth’ match shutters, excellent Mrs Johnson.
MRS JOHNSON:    Yes about those…….
IGOR:     They will help keep out the mob of angry peasants.
MRS JOHNSON:    I just put a card in the window, saying no cold callers.
IGOR:    Ah yes like me you seek only the hot blood pulsing through the body.
MRS JOHNSON:    No I seek not having, hot blooded, energy sales people at my front door.
IGOR:    In old country I put card on drawbridge saying no angry mobs. They still come and burn castle down.
MRS JOHNSON:    You really should have a custard cream, Mr Igor.
IGOR:          Maybe, excellent Mrs Johnson.
            THEY SIT DOWN AND HAVE THEIR TEA AND             
            BISCUITS.
            MRS JOHNSON: Mr Igor?
            IGOR:       Yes, excellent Mrs Johnson.
            MRS JOHNSON: Erm …. What exactly are you
                          dunking you re custard
                          in?
                       
                       
 

                         

     
       







   

           
           

 

           


 






 






 




































                           








Offline stubbs5569

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2012, 09:16:47 AM »
Okay, I read through it and here's my take.

Overall, it's fairly funny. I think I get what your for with the piece.

Some of the dialogue could be a little smoother and there could be better transitions between some of the jokes.

I would add in a little more description in to the characters actions "show don't tell" rule.

Those few things aside, I enjoyed the read. Well done!

Stubbs 

Offline fort street

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2012, 11:28:00 AM »

 Thanks stubbs  your comments are  well appreciated. That`s practically the first thing I`ve done to any kind of finish in  about six years. I`l work on the transitions.

Offline bri h

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2012, 03:41:58 AM »
hiya, this is the first time I've looked at the scripts work. I'm impressed with your work, I think its funny, in places very funny. Your mc is a cross between the Count in Sesame Street/ every Dracula character on film(mainly Gary Oldman version) and every European worker I've ever had the good fortune to meet. Was this your intention? Or did you just get lucky?  At first I thought it was a send up of Alexi Sayles type of humour, or the Young Ones, but it soon developed into its own style and rhythm. I look forward to seeing more. Thanks. bri
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline fort street

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2012, 04:17:02 AM »

 Thanks,Brianh your comments are  appreciated.  The idea came when i was watching cowboy builders. It just suddenly occured to me what would happen if some one hired a firm of vampire builders. Originally I had more,  Excellent cash on completion  mrs johnson references, but cut them as I was trying to keep to a five hundred words. as kind of a reference point. At the moment I`m working on a women bringing a possesed toy back to  customer services.
 
 I`ve always  thought  my stuff might be old fashioned but I found a site that publishes comedy sketches : Lazy Bee scripts,  to be honest some sketche on there arn`t that  funny ( In My Oppinion) . So I thought I can match this. I`m aiming hopefully to enter the PINT SIZE PLAY CONTEST  next May.  It`s a  contest for  fifteen minute  plays which they perform  in front of pub audiances. Anyway thanks for the comments

Offline bri h

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2012, 06:12:47 AM »
nee bother marra. I dont unnerstand the bit bout 500 words? I think there's enough humour to flesh this out a lot more IMO. Put your other stuff back in and lets see how it scans. I can't remember without goin back, if your vamps worked at night?  Or maybe the mc could ask the lady to remove all the garlic in the kitchen, and take all mirrors in the house down, any crosses have to be removed before work commences, big long wooden boxes to keep their "tools" in overnight, that kinda thing, play with all the cliches re vamps. I think it would be very funny and would look forward to actually seeing it! bri.

somethin along the lines of....(mc) "hey Vlad, we need to mark out where ve are putting the new vall', go to ze trook and get ze pack of stakes ve got from fockus!" Vlad replies with horror, "Nyet! nyet! I cannot, I fear thee vood!"(my Dad, who was Polish/Ukrainian spoke like this, he'd say yetz for yes, vood for wood, ze for the or thee, swap v for w, and w for v) I hope this helps, bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline fort street

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2012, 06:48:24 AM »

 Thanks, Bri that`s something to bear in mind. I`d totally forgot about  a garlic angle and  all the stuff you said I`l bear it all in mind. The five hundred words is just to keep it shortyou can`t have a comedy sketch running for too long.

Offline bri h

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2012, 08:13:46 AM »
IMO if the comedy's good then why can't you? B.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Chrissie

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2013, 11:45:58 AM »
 ;D
There are some very funny lines here- I liked the roadworks on the bypass one! I've looked at some of the sketches on the site and think this is as good, if not better, than many. It does need a bit of tightening up and the layout needs looking at but I think it's worth taking further. Coincidentally, I'd been checking this site for one act plays- I've written a couple. I see they have an appraisal service which could be useful. Do you know anything about the site, whether it's reputable, reliable or whatever?

Offline fort street

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2013, 05:57:42 AM »

  Thanks for the comments, Chrissie. It seems alright on here. If you do one act plays, have you  seen the pintsized play website. It`s  yearly playwriitng competition that I`m hoping to enter this year.  The set up there is a bare stage in a pub with hardly  any props and no more that a cast of three.

  I didn`t know there was an appraisal section on here . I`l look at that . The main problem  on this site if you`re a script writer seems to be uploading scripts and keeping them in the form you wrote them in.

Lazy Bee scripts run an appraisal service I havn`t used  it my self ; and they seem genuine. they charge for apppraising

Offline Chrissie

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2013, 10:18:13 AM »
Thanks for the info on Pint Size plays-looks interesting. Good luck if you enter.

Offline fort street

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2013, 10:23:52 AM »

 Thanks Chrissie. I`ve put another sketch on here : which I`m not too sure about.

Offline Chrissie

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2013, 11:26:28 AM »
Hi there
Just to say I bit the bullet and sent a one-act play to Lazy Bees for an appraisal. I thought their fees were reasonable and I got back a really glowing critique! Needless to say, they're my favourite script publishers ever! Seriously, they were professional, swift and they've offered to publish it. I went back to say I want to try it in a comp first and they even came back with a suggestion as to where to enter it.
So all in all, a good experience. Have you submitted to them yet?

Offline fort street

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2013, 02:17:35 PM »
 
They do look genuine. I was going through thier play lists and  there are some competition winners on there. I might get a few sketchs together and  put them on there.

Offline LC1

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Re: Night shift A comedy sketch of about five hundred words
« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2013, 01:17:15 PM »
I like it very funny