Author Topic: Untitled (Suggestions welcome)  (Read 1321 times)

-_-

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Untitled (Suggestions welcome)
« on: November 18, 2012, 07:51:23 AM »
The year I turned 15,
The sky was humid and sexy
It stuck to my skin, full of those unanswered questions.
July was a thunderstorm and warm rain, the
End of school and I was
 
Born again.
My poster wall torn apart, Kurt's face
creased into an unsettling, exciting revision of itself.
He didn't have the time of day for me anymore,
Even if they did I wouldn't recognize them, or my own face in the mirror.
 
Santa Ana winds I read about
blew somewhere: hot and fierce and hungry.
I knew their fractious desperation, felt their fire as I
lay on my bed and
Married his smell, from a T-Shirt I stole at his house,
each second a long, slow year here or there
15 again, 15 again, oh, to be 15 again.
 
Who could I tell?
My mother was dead, her glistening red lipstick a reminder.
My beautiful bastard. His girlfriend wore a green dress
he liked,
those days we laid in the park, her laughing.
 
And the green, green sea stretching out across us, reaching to forever -
Dangerous and free.

hillwalker3000

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Re: Untitled (Suggestions welcome)
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2012, 09:00:29 AM »
Really good first post - bringing to mind those turbulent years of adolescece.
Not sure about line 2 - implying the sexual undercurrents of the situation (which you do later) works much better than telling us the sky was sexy but other than that it's a fine piece of poetry.

Title? '15 Again'?

H3k

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Untitled (Suggestions welcome)
« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2012, 09:06:46 AM »
Some powerful images -- neat. Lots of uncomfortable heat and frustration. ;) ;) ;)

Didn't understand this:

Who could I tell?
My mother was dead, her glistening red lipstick a reminder. [On her corspe? On your dressing table? Confused]
My beautiful bastard. His girlfriend [the N or a rival?] wore a green dress [An illegitimate child? The object of your desire?] he liked,
those days we laid in the park, her laughing. :-[

-_-

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Re: Untitled (Suggestions welcome)
« Reply #3 on: November 18, 2012, 10:11:26 AM »
@hillwalker3000 thanks a lot for your advice and opinion :)

@510bhan well the mother being dead is meant to represent the distance between the speaker and his mother as he enters adolescence and her lipstick is red to add to the passion and danger of the poem, but also to suggest that one day she was in his position, making what is a very personal topic more universal. And i didn't quite understand the rest of your post? :P








Offline 510bhan

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Re: Untitled (Suggestions welcome)
« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2012, 11:08:39 AM »
@hillwalker3000 thanks a lot for your advice and opinion :)

@510bhan well the mother being dead is meant to represent the distance between the speaker and his mother as he enters adolescence and her lipstick is red to add to the passion and danger of the poem, but also to suggest that one day she was in his position, making what is a very personal topic more universal. And i didn't quite understand the rest of your post? :P


Okay -- I can go with the mother explanation -- perhaps some more clarity so the reader isn't confused into believing she in fact dead.

Who is the beautiful bastard [one of the people she cannot tell] An illegitimate child? The object of the N's desire?

Who is the girlfriend? -- The N? A rival? Confused as you say WE laid in the park then have HER laughing. :-[

-_-

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Re: Untitled (Suggestions welcome)
« Reply #5 on: November 18, 2012, 12:20:19 PM »
Yeah I agree with that.

And yes, beautiful bastard is the objects of the N's desire but the girlfriend is the girlfriend of the object of the N'd desire, I.e. The beautiful bastard's gf. So WE refers to the N, the object of the N's desire and that person's girlfriend and HER refers to the girlfriend... :P

Offline duck

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Re: Untitled (Suggestions welcome)
« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2012, 01:13:15 PM »
Hi
I though this started well but as it strained to develop the plot it weakened, losing images and trying to create explanation. You need to bring in the characters of the story earlier and define more clearly than with pronouns - you seem to want to hold some mystery where clarity would be better. At trhe end of stanza 2 i don't get the plural pronoun - they - who are you referring to, the rest of the stanza is singular.
Good start
Duck

-_-

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Re: Untitled (Suggestions welcome)
« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2012, 01:19:14 PM »
Thanks for the feedback Duck, I'll definitely take it on board :)

Offline bri h

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Re: Untitled (Suggestions welcome)
« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2012, 03:30:43 PM »
I like this. Not sure why? I think it speaks to something within me of what it would be like to be 15 again. Fifteen and waitin for the year to go round so I could leave school! Little knowing what was just around the corner!(too depressin, so I'll just say,) Thanks. bri
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx