Author Topic: Review my script on disaster management  (Read 26901 times)

Offline rishavutkarsh

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Review my script on disaster management
« on: November 16, 2012, 04:45:01 AM »
hi i am new here and i don't know if it's the correct forum but can anyone review the script i wrote , i had issues with time so don't mind the ending and yeah i am just 17 so please be a bit gentle nevertheless please suggest any improvements and point out my mistakes
N2- INTRO

N1- Four friends after a hearing the news of a ferocious thunderstorm expected to strike on the day after tomorrow are discussing about it with each other.

N2- The guy Pratik is a bully who is brave but loves to play pranks and tease others while Rahul is a timid person who is a bit coward and is a regular prey of pratik.

N1-The guy David is brave but is quite calm most of the times, Leena is a smart girl who is a optimist and loves to gain knowledge
(the play starts)
{Afternoon Students talking in a park}
David-Hey guys do you know a thunderstorm is expected to strike on the day after tomorrow.

Pratik - Thatís great!! It would be quite exciting

Leena- yes I have never seen a thunderstorm before

Rahul- it would be dangerous too!

Pratik- (cunningly) Ė thatís true you know thunderstorms are infamous for killing kids

Rahul (frightened)- Whaat !! I will lock myself in my room then..

Pratik- Look out rahul !! A thunderstorm Runn!!

Rahul(shocked)- David save me (hides behind david)

Leena Ė Stop picking on him Pratik.

Pratik- Stop Already?

David- Stop it lad!! Itís nothing Stand up Rahul!

Rahul- OOH! Thatís fine then (sighs)

(enter miss alice) (assistant of a doctor who dedicated his whole life to thunderstorms)

Miss Alice- hi children I have been hearing you since a while, you donít seem to know what exactly is a thunderstorm like! Come with me I have something to show you.

N2- And thus the children follow Miss Alice to a Lab
(cut to- LAB)

Alice- children wait a minute I will be back (goes)

David-Who knows why did we come here?

Leena Ė Well just to know what is a thunderstorm like!

Rahul- I think we have been kidnapped, run before she is back

David- Shut up rahul! That canít be true

(enter-A doctor holding a magnyfying glass mid sixties a bald person who suffers from forgetfulness )

Doctor-(searching something on the ground, sees the children)

Pratik(whispers)- did someone ever tell him that he looks like a mouse with a nose?

(doctor scans Rahul from top to bottom )

Doctor- Open your mouth brat!

Rahul- (does it unwillingly)

Doctor(takes his magnifying glass and taps it on his teeth)

Rahul- Are you sick? What you think you are doing.

Doctor -give that to me!

Rahul- what?

Doctor- (yells) thatís my teeth you stole my false teeth!

Alice- whatís going on??

Doctor-whatís going on?? Hey children whatís going on? I donít know whatís going on

Alice Ė donít worry children he is a bit Ö

David- I guess I knew

Alice- ok so here we have designed a software that would show you the ways to prevent thunderstorm with 3D clips. Start the clip doctor

Doctor- start the clip? Oh yes ÖÖyes? what do I do?


Alice Ė start the thunderstorm clip

Doctor- Oh right!! (starts the clip)

N1- One days few friends walking through woods and they found themselves stuck in a thunderstorm
(the lighting rages) smith is a fellow who thinks himself to be very smart, maria is a humble girl while jack is a guy who speaks too much and candice is a girl who thinks that everyone aside her is very smart

Jack- whatís that? Lightening? What do we do?

Maria-letís run back to the town!

Smith- No I think that would be absurd

Candice- WHY?

Smith- letís go near the trees the big ones

Everyone- why?

Smith-Because wood is a insulator and electricity only passes through conductors

Candice-Bravo! I didnít knew that you were so attentive, letís do what he says

Maria- Hold it! I have got a bad feeling about this

Jack- come on Maria..

(suddenly lightening falls on a tree and the tree falls)

Everyone- OOPS! (looks at smith)

Smith- I guess our teachers are wrong, run back to the town!!

(everyone flees) (end of the clip)



David- Well that was something great!

Leena- quite so..!

Pratik-So we finally know that our teachers are wrong.

Alice Ė No thatís not true dry would is a insulator but wet one ainít ! also shelter near a small tree if you canít escape the forest

Rahul- what if we are walking in the street?

Alice- Great question allow me to show you another clip! Doctor show the next clip please

Doctor- Aye Aye!!
(the clip starts)

N2-Three friends are returning after playing and suddenly the sky rages  , John is just a bookworm while Joseph is a smart and practical one and Julie is smart but does not like to speak much.

John-The sky is raging we should we go back to the ground? It will be a safe place

Joseph- Are you mad.. lightening falls on the tallest thing

John- so what?

Julie-We will be the tallest around fool, let's call our parents instead

Joseph- that wont work either you can get a shock by telephone lines

John-then what to do?

Joseph- letís take shelter under a building itís safest place during lightening.

Both-OK
(clip ends)

Leena- that was great

Pratik- Actually was ! that Joseph was just like me

Alice- Thank you for coming guys, I hope it helped you.

David- We should rather thank you maíam we learnt so many things because of you.

Leena- quite so..! we are ready for the thunderstorm

Doctor(to rahul)- return my false teeth (chases with tongs)

Rahul- save me..!! (runs)
(THE END)
I had issues with the time limit so the end might seem to be a bit hasty
« Last Edit: November 21, 2012, 04:14:47 AM by rishavutkarsh »

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Review my script on disaster management
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2012, 05:04:06 AM »
hi rishavutkarsh,

take some time to look over the rules in the script section - http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,39962.0.html

and then say hello in the welcome section - http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/board,1.0.html

daryl  :)


Offline rishavutkarsh

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Re: Review my script on disaster management
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2012, 05:38:40 AM »
i guess that would be better please review my play I wanna know how is actually is

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Review my script on disaster management
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2012, 05:45:03 AM »
i guess that would be better please review my play I wanna know how is actually is

i'm just off to work, but i'll look at it later.

Offline rishavutkarsh

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Re: Review my script on disaster management
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2012, 08:09:56 AM »
thank you very much!! hope you like it

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Review my script on disaster management
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2012, 11:16:47 AM »
I know very little about script writing, but the way you have this laid out makes it difficult to read and understand what is going on, at least for me.

Take a look at the formatting a script information here:
 http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,39962.0.html

and consider editing your work to make it easier to understand.

Alice
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Offline verga

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Re: Review my script on disaster management
« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2012, 01:43:26 PM »
I think you needed to set up the locations better. Where were they initially? Where did they end up, was it a laboratory or a classroom?
I also found it a bit difficult when you went to the clips. There was no location given for those either. While we are able to recognize that it is outside was it a field or forest. we are able to deduce it later but having to figure it out detracted from the dialogue.
I also think a brief description of each of the characters would have been helpful as well.

Offline Haman03

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Re: Review my script on disaster management
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2013, 01:40:11 AM »
My friend visit the disaster place, when he come back i plane write a script on disaster, then i sharing a script and we know about your views on disaster.

Offline 2par

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Re: Review my script on disaster management
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2013, 03:38:57 AM »
Risha, how many plays have you read?  You need to use the correct form.

It's not necessary, but you can start with a Character list.   That way, you don't need to interrupt the script with unnecessary explanations.

There is no need to give a background to what we are about to experience.  (N1)

Here is an example:

Scene 1
A park.  

DAVID:  Hey, guys, there's a thunderstorm expected tomorrow.

PRATIK:  Great!  That'll be exciting.

Notice I changed your dialogue a little.  After you've welcomed yourself and read the information that Alice gave you,  you can revise your script and send us another post.  And you should look at other posts and consider the writing and the critiques we give each other.  Make any comments you feel right to you.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2013, 03:40:50 AM by 2par »

Offline Jaguar

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Re: Review my script on disaster management
« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2013, 01:17:24 AM »
Nice job.
Its looking good.Keep it up.

Jaguar

Offline fire-fly

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Re: Review my script on disaster management
« Reply #10 on: June 17, 2013, 01:57:36 AM »
The OP has not been active on MWC since last year.

The thread has been bumped so you reviews are falling on deaf ears I am afraid

I will lock this thread to avoid anymore unnecessary posts.
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