Author Topic: last orders contains swearing 1631 words  (Read 1289 times)

Offline LC1

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last orders contains swearing 1631 words
« on: November 16, 2012, 02:20:38 AM »
At 11.30pm old Davie as predictable as ever waddled across the disinfectant soaked bar, lifted his flabby arm, rang the bell and shouted
‘Last Orders!’ as usual nobody paid attention and kept on drinking as they knew they had at least another forty five minutes before they got kicked out.

-   Where do you fancy going after this, the town? Hit a club?
-   No mate I’m just going to head to my bed.
-   Come on mate I’ve not had a decent night out in ages.

Dougie knew deep down he might as well give up resisting and just head into town with Bean. It was the same every time they went out for a few pints, the night ended up in total carnage with a hangover you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.

-   ‘Right fuck it I’ll come’.
-   ‘Nice one mate a knew you wouldn’t let me down’!

Jumping up almost knocking the table over as it was propped up on beer mats. Bean floated towards the bar; there was virtually no queue except for the usual alkies who went through their nightly routine of trying to score one for the road for free. Bean turned to Dougie and mimed the universal symbol for a pint.

-   ‘Aye’!

Dougie knew at that point there was no turning back, downing their pints in one and holding the empty glass above their head was their usual way to finish their last pint it had been for as long as they had been coming here.

Stumbling through the doors and out onto the street, the crisp winter air hit them like a dentists drill causing them both to shiver uncontrollably. They stood at the bus stop waiting for the twenty four hour bus that perpetually runs a gauntlet through some of the worst areas of the city and finishes in the city centre.

-   ‘It’s not coming’

Dougie splattered realising that trying to talk while inhaling a cigarette wasn’t the best idea.

-   ‘It’ll be here in a minute’

Time seemed to drag while they were standing there, hardly able to speak, freezing their nuts off and people driving past in heated cars laughing only added to their frustration. Twenty minutes passed and they decided to walk to the taxi rank at the opposite end of the scheme.

Wondering through sodium lit frosty streets; they were walking themselves sober jabbering the usual nonsense about how they would take their team to the champions league final and how maybe heading into town wasn’t such a great idea when just in front of them in between the parked cars a shadowy figure popped up his skinny neck sticking above the cars like a giraffe.
-‘Alright boys! Where you off to? Town’?

-‘Who’s that? Bean asked nervously’

-  ‘It’s me Cammy’.

-  ‘Cammy what the hell are you doing down there’?

Dougie asked pretending he didn’t know, they wouldn’t have to guess twice as Cammy was a habitual thief who would steal the sugar out your tea given half a chance.

 - ‘ Ehm a was just eh looking for my wallet I think I dropped here earlier on’.

- ‘Aye right so you are your trying to blag that Ford you slippery wee cunt’.

-Come on boys you know the score am a bit strapped the now and Bazza said he would give me a decent score on it.

-   ‘Fair enough; we never seen you Bean said as they continued to walk down the street, their teeth now chattering from the cold’.

-   ‘Cheers boys’!

Cammy shouted as he slid off out of sight into a side lane.


Walking further up the street they saw a brand new Audi Q7 silvery grey in colour contrasting harshly with the fungus brown almost derelict flats.

-‘Look at that beast! Bean shouted as he darted across the road to have a closer look.
- Who’s is its, do you know’? He said a little too excitedly as he ran his hand over the cold metal exterior.

- ‘Not got a clue’, Dougie replied while looking around owl like to make sure no one was watching them.

-‘Fuck me the keys are still in the ignition’!

Bean shouted a little too loudly as a light clicked on in one of the second floor flats and a huge silhouette appeared at the window.

-‘Jump in’!
Bean shouted as he yanked at the driver’s side door and bounced onto the soft leather seat.

-‘Your mental, I’m not getting in’.

Dougie shakily replied, looking up he noticed however the figure was gone from the window and was probably trundling its way down the stairs to give them a severe kicking. So he jumped into the passenger’s side as Bean hit the accelerator hard and they flew off towards the shopping centre.

-   ‘You’re fucking mad’!

Dougie croaked while slapping him weakly on the side of the head.

-    ‘It’s just a laugh, now shut up and stick a CD on’.

      Bean said laughing at his feeble attempt at a fight.

-‘You’ve lost your edge man you used to be up for a giggle, your getting old before your time mate’.

Taking the car up to 90mph Bean momentarily lost control and swerved, narrowly missing the parked cars as both of them were temporarily blinded by the brilliant white flash as the car set off a speed camera.

-   ‘That’s a £60 fine and three points on your licence, you daft cunt’.

      - ‘It’s a stolen car you fuckwit, a fine is the least of our worries’.

The petrol gauge flashed furiously its orange light sweeping through the car like a searchlight.

-   ‘We better ditch this and use the last of the petrol to burn it out, get rid of the old DNA and that ha ha’.

-   ‘For fuck sake hurry up then so we can get out of here before any body spots’ us.

-   ‘Right cool, we better check to see if there’s anything worth blagging first though. Think I seen a laptop in the back. You go round and check the Boot’.


Lifting up the boot at arms length, Dougie peered through his icy breath slowly inching his head closer half expecting something to jump out at him. Nothing.

 Up in the far left corner there was a brown parcel wrapped up like a Christmas present. Half closing the boot and stepping back almost most slipping, Dougie looked over his shoulder to make sure no one else was around

-   ‘Bean mate you better come round and take a look at this’.
-   ‘What is it’?
-   ‘I think it might be a shitload of coke or “H”’
-   ‘Nice one mate we’ll be fucking minted, I know a guy, Ribsy, up the mount that’ll happily take that off us’.
-   ‘I’m not sure mate, should we not just leave it and get the fuck out of here before any cunt spots us’.
-   ‘Will we Fuck! Some wee junkie’ll think Christmas has come early, grab it and let’s go’.
Realising that he had no way to get the remaining petrol out the tank Bean stuffed the front of the car with old news paper then lit a cigarette and threw it in. The inside of the car produced an orangey glow that steadily spread. Black smoke puffed out of the doors and floated up like a scene from Thomas the tank engine.

Dougie and Bean were jogging casually down the street when a huge BANG ruptured the silence.
-   ‘That’ll be the tank going up then’. Dougie said
-    ‘Was it really I Thought you must’ve had a dodgy pint, don’t you think I know that you tit’.

Taking the stairs two at a time, they ran up to the third floor of the flats where Ribsy had a flat that he used mostly for dealing out of and occasionally dropping off the odd dodgy Giro. Pounding on the steel door for about ten minutes with no answer they were about to give up when the letter box flapped open.

-   ‘Who is it’? Echoed out the flap into the close.
-   ‘It’s me mate, Bean’.
-   ‘Give me two seconds’.

The flap sprang shut. Bean and Dougie could hear the clinks and clunks of the various locks on the other side of the door. Ribsys scarred face half appeared through the gap in the security chain he left on.

-   ‘What do yous wan’t?
-   ‘We’ve got a shitload a gear mate and we thought you might be interested’. ‘Bean said brandishing the paper parcel up to the gap’.
-   ‘Aye right enough yous better come in’.


Ribsy went through to the living room of the damp smelling flat and sat on an arm chair that had clearly seen better days as most of the stuffing was all over the floor. Dougie and Bean sat the parcel on the table and unwrapped the brown paper to produce a brick of coke.

-   ‘How much do you think it’s worth Ribsy mate’? Bean asked nervously.
-   ‘To be honest not much boys say about £500’.
-   ‘That’s amazing mate’ Bean said smiling as he looked over at Dougie who produced a nervous smile.

Ribsy went through to a bedroom and came back with the cash.
-   ‘There you go boys half a ton, spend it wisely’ he sniggered as he handed it over to Bean.

Out in the close Bean turned to Dougie and said

-   ‘No bad for a nights work eh mate’?
-   ‘I suppose so’.

Ribsy sat on his scruffy chair and punched the buttons on his mobile.
-   ‘Mate you’re not going to believe this I’ve just got a £40,000 bag of coke for £500’
-   ‘You jammy Cunt’!

hillwalker3000

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Re: last orders contains swearing 1631 words
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2012, 09:21:20 AM »
Predictable - a word you use in your opening sentence and I'm afraid the word that sums up this entire piece, I'm afraid.

Cartoon characters acting in a stereotypical way - speaking in a stereotypical way - ultimately revealing nothing new about the underbelly of society or about surviving in the schemes.

To make matters worse, I was already bored beforeI got to the end of your opening sentence.

H3K

Offline Dawn

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Re: last orders contains swearing 1631 words
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2012, 04:29:55 AM »
I have to agree with Hilly - sorry this did nothing for me. Your characters need depth and layers.  Think about your word choice do people really float to the bar????
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline bri h

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Re: last orders contains swearing 1631 words
« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2012, 07:24:33 AM »
Hiya, you ever torched a car? lol. All I'll say is, if you scrunch up newspapers and then throw a cigarette in, all youll have is a car with scrunched up papers and a ciggy hole in the upholstery!  I could actually tell you how to make a car go "bang" in the way you describe, but I'll only tell you in pm, that way I can't be accused "for research purposes", of inciting you to criminal activity! lol. If you do decide to rewrite this you have to tighten your dialogue form and marks up! Its all over the place! Its current! I'll give you that! But thats all it is. Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Lin

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Re: last orders contains swearing 1631 words
« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2012, 07:31:36 AM »
I did find your dialogue to be rather stilted and slows down the pace.  

Where do you fancy going after this, the town? Hit a club?
-   No mate I’m just going to head to my bed.
-   Come on mate I’ve not had a decent night out in ages.


Suggest you liven up the dialogue to make it more realistic.  Best to read it out loud and ask yourself how boring is this dialogue and where is it leading?

When you write dialogue you have to make it punchy and it must lead the story forward.

I think all this could be tightened up

-   Where do you fancy going after this, the town? Hit a club?
-   No mate I’m just going to head to my bed.
-   Come on mate I’ve not had a decent night out in ages.

Dougie knew deep down he might as well give up resisting and just head into town with Bean. It was the same every time they went out for a few pints, the night ended up in total carnage with a hangover you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.

-   ‘Right fuck it I’ll come’.
-   ‘Nice one mate a knew you wouldn’t let me down’!


It's slows the pace.  Make sure you use your spell checker as well.  Wondering or Wandering?











« Last Edit: November 23, 2012, 07:33:41 AM by Lin Treadgold »

Offline Sasquatch

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Re: last orders contains swearing 1631 words
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2012, 08:48:37 PM »
I had a hard time picking up any speed through this bit, and from front to back it seemed disjointed. Sentences like:

The petrol gauge flashed furiously its orange light sweeping through the car like a searchlight. - caused me to trip over your words and get slowed way down.