Author Topic: Feedback - anyone?  (Read 4728 times)

Offline Ajaxe

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Feedback - anyone?
« on: March 26, 2013, 05:43:17 AM »
Hi,
It's been a while since I did any screenwriting but considering I entered the scriptfever challenge I have to get prepared for it. Tell me where I've veered off the path.

Look forward to hearing from you guys.


                

               From BLACK:

                                     WOMAN
                         Did you see that?

                                     MAN
                         See what?

                                     WOMAN
                         Where they are hiding, over there.  
                         Focus.  

               FADE IN:

               EXT. CHAPEL - DAY

               A small chapel snuggled against the precipitous wall of a
               massive precipice.  Smoke curls out of the makeshift roof of
               the building which comprises different materials: thatch,
               some corrugated iron sheets and broken tiles.  

               The chapel's door, a contrivance of broken staves held
               together by coils of barbed wire, wobbles open.

               A man, DRAKE (40s), dressed in filthy rags, steps out.  He
               surveys his proximity then calls.

                                     DRAKE
                         Tommy!  Tommy!

                                     TOMMY (O.S.)
                         Coming dad.

               An emaciated boy, TOMMY, emerges from the tall patches of
               grass that surround the chapel.  He drags the bloody carcass
               of a dog after him.

                                     TOMMY (CONT'D)
                         Spunk got shot, I knew we'd need him
                         so I-

               Drake nods.  He assists the boy.  Together, with great
               exertion, they drag the dog's carcass into the chapel.

               INT. CHAPEL - MOMENTS LATER

               A hall-like room. It's illuminated by an old-timey kerosene
               lamp that dangles from a hook which's on one of the walls.  
               It's light barely reaches the furthest recesses of the empty
               room but it's just possible to make out a mass of PEOPLE
               approach from the darkness.

               The NEWCOMERS form a ring around Drake and the boy.  

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         2.


               Drake holds up one hand.  They grumble but queue up behind
               the boy.

               Drake starts to flay the dog.

               The door explodes and a hail of gun-fire peppers the crowd.  
               A number of them fall.

                                     DRAKE
                         Run!  The tunnel, get away it's the
                         hunters!

               The crowd disperses in confusion.  A gun shot shatters the
               lamp, plunging the chapel into darkness.

                                     DRAKE (CONT'D)
                         Tommy where are you?

                                     BOY
                         Dad I'm here.  Is that you holding
                         my. . .who's holding my hand?  Daddy!  
                         Dad they got me.  They-

               The boy screams, a long, drawn-out squall which fades out to
               a gargle after a moment.

                                     WOMAN
                         Lights on, they're getting away!

               A powerful searchlight stabs the chapel revealing the last
               escapees disappear into a tunnel whose entry is at the point
               where the pulpit should be.

               The woman, kneeling over Tommy's decapitated body drops the
               knife she clutches and whipping out a pistol, fires a blind
               shot at the fleeing people.

               The last in the group tumbles.

                                     WOMAN (CONT'D)
                         Collect everyone down and seal the
                         exit but keep this
                              (nodding at Tommy's
                              body)
                         separate.  The chief loves them young.

               Two ATTENDANTS in red coveralls flit to the woman's side.  
               They bundle Tommy's body along with the dog's carcass into a
               large box labeled "MEAT."

                                     ATTENDANT #1
                         Captain?

               The woman turns to face the light. Removes the helmet she
               wears revealing a haggard face. This is DELILAH WASPE (30s).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         3.


               The attendants babble excitedly and point.

               Delilah glances in the direction of the tunnel.

               Near the mouth of the tunnel, Drake, one leg wedged under a
               rock attempts to free himself

                                     DELILAH
                         We'll take him fresh.

               Delilah walks over and leans over Drake.  He spits on her.  

                                     MAN
                         Traitor.

                                     DELILAH
                         You wouldn't understand why.  No one
                         can.

               A tear slips out of one of Delilah's eyes. She slips on her
               helmet then attempts to jerk the man loose from the rock.  
               Fails to and gives up.

                                     WOMAN
                              (to attendants)
                         I'll have to cut it off here.

               She touches her knee. They nod, grab the man's shoulders and
               hold him down.

               Delilah sharpens her knife against the rocky wall, tests the
               edge on one of her fingers. It draws blood.

               Drake's eyes widen. He tries to speak.  

               Delilah stuffs a filthy rag into Drake's mouth then lowers
               the knife-

               INT. BOMB SHELTER - NIGHT

               Partial darkness.

               A procession of PEOPLE in coveralls, carrying heavy boxes,
               makes its way down a hallway flanked with doors on either
               side.

               The first two in the procession stop outside a large room
               whose walls are out-fitted with hooks. She nods at her
               attendants. The unload their cargo, boy and dog.

               The door of a large walk-in refrigerator opens and a dark-
               suit wearing man, DENIS HARD (50s), struts out.  A smile
               lights his face when he notices the dog's carcass but frowns
               abruptly when his gaze falls on Delilah.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         4.


               Delilah back-pedals as Hard approaches.

                                     DELILAH
                         We got a live one today sir.

                                     HARD
                         Each time you get a live one, you
                         get two minutes with them.

                                     DELILAH
                         Thank you sir.

               Hard glances at his gilded watch which shimmers in the light.

                                     HARD
                         We meet in exactly ten minutes in my
                         office.  All late-comers go into the
                         pot.

                                     DELILAH
                         Where do I find them sir?

                                     HARD
                         Downstairs, under lock and key lest
                         you double-cross us.

               INT. CAGE - SAME

               A girl, DAISY (7), one hand cuffed to the bunk bed in the
               cage hugs the smaller kid who's with her. She hums a plaintive
               song but breaks off from time to time to cough.

               The smaller kid shivers and Daisy shifts around so her back
               face the draughty side of the cage.  The cuff strains against
               the wrist.  She bites her lip, hugs the kid tighter and rocks
               her gently.

               INT. BASEMENT - LATER

               Ramified networks of leaking pipes traverse the massive
               basement.  

               Delilah, dodging the dripping water, makes her way to one
               end of the basement where a rusty cage sits.  The sentry who
               stands guard by the cage opens it.

               INT. CAGE - CONTINUOUS

               Delilah slips into the cage.

                                     DELILAH
                         Honey, mommy's home!

               Delilah darts across the cage, smothers both kids in a bear
               hug.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         5.


                                     SENTRY (O.S.)
                         You got only two. . .

                                     DELILAH
                         Minutes, I know that.

               Tears stream down Delilah's cheeks.  She picks up the smaller
               kid, kisses her incessantly.

                                     DAISY
                         Mom when are we going home?

                                     DELILAH
                         Soon honey.  I'll find a way, I
                         promise.

               The sentry peers into the cage.

                                     SENTRY
                         Miss Waspe you only got a few seconds
                         left.

               Delilah rises.  Daisy clings to her.

                                     DELILAH
                         I'll see you again.

               Delilah disentangles herself, heads for the door.

                                     DAISY
                         Mom don't go!  Don't leave us mom
                         puh-lease!

               The door slams shut.

                            
« Last Edit: March 26, 2013, 12:39:07 PM by Ajaxe »

Offline Ajaxe

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Re: Feedback - anyone?
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2013, 12:36:34 PM »
Any general comments from non-screenwriters are welcome too;)

Offline ma100

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Re: Feedback - anyone?
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2013, 12:57:57 PM »
    These were my thoughts so far mate. I hope they help. :) What I feel is misssing is the actions. I think you have a good thing going on here though.  I've read all of it but only critted half.  

               From BLACK:
 I don't know where these people are? Are they important throughout the script? If so I'd name them.
                                     WOMAN
                         Did you see that?

                                     MAN
                         See what?

                                     WOMAN
                         Where they are hiding, over there.  
                         Focus.  

               FADE IN:

               EXT. CHAPEL - DAY

               A small chapel snuggled against the precipitous wall of a
               massive precipice.  Smoke curls out of the makeshift roof of
               the building which comprises different materials: thatch,
               some corrugated iron sheets and broken tiles.  

               The chapel's door, a contrivance of broken staves held
               together by coils of barbed wire, wobbles open.

               A man, DRAKE (40s), dressed in filthy rags, steps out.  He
               surveys his proximity then calls.

                                     DRAKE
                         Tommy!  Tommy!

                                     TOMMY (O.S.)
                         Coming dad.

               An emaciated boy, TOMMY, emerges from the tall patches of
               grass that surround the chapel.  He drags the bloody carcass
               of a dog after him.

                                     TOMMY (CONT'D)
                         Spunk got shot, I knew we'd need him
                         so I-

               Drake nods.  He assists the boy.  Together, with great
               exertion, they drag the dog's carcass into the chapel.

               INT. CHAPEL - MOMENTS LATER

               A hall-like room. It's illuminated by an old-timey kerosene
               lamp that dangles from a hook which's on one of the walls.  
               It's light barely reaches the furthest recesses of the empty
               room but it's just possible to make out a mass of PEOPLE
               approach from the darkness.

               The NEWCOMERS form a ring around Drake and the boy.  

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         2.


               Drake holds up one hand.  They grumble but queue up behind
               the boy.

               Drake starts to flay the dog.

               The door explodes and a hail of gun-fire peppers the crowd.  
               A number of them fall.

                                     DRAKE
                         Run!  The tunnel, get away it's the
                         hunters!

               The crowd disperses in confusion.  A gun shot shatters the
               lamp, plunging the chapel into darkness.

                                     DRAKE (CONT'D)
                         Tommy where are you?

Should have the boys name and show what is exactly happening to him.


                                     BOY
                         Dad I'm here.  Is that you holding
                         my. . .who's holding my hand?  Daddy!  
                         Dad they got me.  They-

               The boy screams, a long, drawn-out squall which fades out to
               a gargle after a moment.

Confusion reigns because I don't know who the attackers are and who is being chased. Perhaps label the name.

                                     WOMAN
                         Lights on, they're getting away!

               A powerful searchlight stabs the chapel revealing the last
               escapees disappear into a tunnel whose entry is at the point
               where the pulpit should be.

The action of Tommy being killed isn't anywhere.

               The woman, kneeling over Tommy's decapitated body drops the
               knife she clutches and whipping out a pistol, fires a blind
               shot at the fleeing people.

               The last in the group tumbles.

                                     WOMAN (CONT'D)
                         Collect everyone down and seal the
                         exit but keep this
                              (nodding at Tommy's
                              body)
                         separate.  The chief loves them young.

               Two ATTENDANTS in red coveralls flit to the woman's side.  
               They bundle Tommy's body along with the dog's carcass into a
               large box labeled "MEAT."

                                     ATTENDANT #1
                         Captain?

               The woman turns to face the light. Removes the helmet she
               wears revealing a haggard face. This is DELILAH WASPE (30s).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         3.


              
« Last Edit: March 26, 2013, 12:59:34 PM by ma100 »

Offline Ajaxe

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  • Posts: 169
Re: Feedback - anyone?
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2013, 03:18:30 PM »
I'll certainly do something about punching in more action so we can get the whole who's-doing-what-to-whom picture. And of course those character names. . .I'm like how could I?

But then well, that's one reason why we have to workshop because there are things which might escape your notice which someone else will catch at first sight.

Anyway, I had intentions of shelving this project altogether but now I don't know. . .after we complete the scriptfever challenge in April I might just get back to it.

Thanks for your comments Ma100.


                

               From BLACK:

                                     DELILAH
                         Did you see that?

                                     MAN
                         See what?

                                     DELILAH
                         Where they are hiding, over there.  
                         Focus.  

               FADE IN:

               EXT. CHAPEL - DAY

               A small chapel snuggled against the precipitous wall of a
               massive precipice.  Smoke curls out of the makeshift roof of
               the building which comprises different materials: thatch,
               some corrugated iron sheets and broken tiles.  

               The chapel's door, a contrivance of broken staves held
               together by coils of barbed wire, wobbles open.

               A man, DRAKE (40s), dressed in filthy rags, steps out.  He
               surveys his proximity then calls.

                                     DRAKE
                         Tommy!  Tommy!

                                     TOMMY (O.S.)
                         Coming dad.

               An emaciated boy, TOMMY, emerges from the tall patches of
               grass that surround the chapel.  He drags the bloody carcass
               of a dog after him.

                                     TOMMY (CONT'D)
                         Spunk got shot, I knew we'd need him
                         so I-

               Drake nods.  He assists the boy.  Together, with great
               exertion, they drag the dog's carcass into the chapel.

               INT. CHAPEL - MOMENTS LATER

               A hall-like room. It's illuminated by an old-timey kerosene
               lamp that dangles from a hook which's on one of the walls.  
               It's light barely reaches the furthest recesses of the empty
               room but it's just possible to make out a mass of PEOPLE
               approach from the darkness.

               The NEWCOMERS form a ring around Drake and the boy.  

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         2.


               Drake holds up one hand.  They grumble but queue up behind
               the boy.

               Drake starts to flay the dog.

               The door explodes and a hail of gun-fire peppers the crowd.  
               A number of them fall.

                                     DRAKE
                         Run!  The tunnel, get away it's the
                         hunters!

               The crowd disperses in confusion.  A gun shot shatters the
               lamp, plunging the chapel into darkness.

                                     DRAKE (CONT'D)
                         Tommy where are you?

                                     TOMMY
                         Dad I'm here.  Is that you holding
                         my. . .who's holding my hand?  Daddy!  
                         Dad they got me.  They-

               The boy screams, a long, drawn-out squall which fades out to
               a gargle after a moment.

                                     DELILAH
                         Lights on, they're getting away!

               A powerful searchlight stabs the chapel revealing the last
               escapees disappear into a tunnel whose entry is at the point
               where the pulpit should be.

               The woman, kneeling over Tommy's decapitated body drops the
               knife she clutches and whipping out a pistol, fires a blind
               shot at the fleeing people.

               The last in the group tumbles.

                                     DELILAH (CONT'D)
                         Collect everyone down and seal the
                         exit but keep this
                              (nodding at Tommy's
                              body)
                         separate.  The chief loves them young.

               Two ATTENDANTS in red coveralls flit to the woman's side.  
               They bundle Tommy's body along with the dog's carcass into a
               large box labeled "MEAT."

                                     ATTENDANT #1
                         Captain?

               The woman turns to face the light. Removes the helmet she
               wears revealing a haggard face. This is DELILAH WASPE (30s).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         3.


               The attendants babble excitedly and point.

               Delilah glances in the direction of the tunnel.

               Near the mouth of the tunnel, Drake, one leg wedged under a
               rock attempts to free himself

                                     DELILAH
                         We'll take him fresh.

               Delilah walks over and leans over Drake.  He spits on her.  

                                     DRAKE
                         Traitor.

                                     DELILAH
                         You wouldn't understand why.  No one
                         can.

               A tear slips out of one of Delilah's eyes. She slips on her
               helmet then attempts to jerk the man loose from the rock.  
               Fails to and gives up.

                                     WOMAN
                              (to attendants)
                         I'll have to cut it off here.

               She touches her knee. They nod, Drake's shoulders and
               hold him down.

               Delilah sharpens her knife against the rocky wall, tests the
               edge on one of her fingers. It draws blood.

               Drake's eyes widen. He tries to speak.  

               Delilah stuffs a filthy rag into Drake's mouth then lowers
               the knife-

               INT. BOMB SHELTER - NIGHT

               Partial darkness.

               A procession of PEOPLE in coveralls, carrying heavy boxes,
               makes its way down a hallway flanked with doors on either
               side.

               The first two in the procession stop outside a large room
               whose walls are out-fitted with hooks. She nods at her
               attendants. The unload their cargo, boy and dog.

               The door of a large walk-in refrigerator opens and a dark-
               suit wearing man, DENIS HARD (50s), struts out.  A smile
               lights his face when he notices the dog's carcass but frowns
               abruptly when his gaze falls on Delilah.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         4.


               Delilah back-pedals as Hard approaches.

                                     DELILAH
                         We got a live one today sir.

                                     HARD
                         Each time you get a live one, you
                         get two minutes with them.

                                     DELILAH
                         Thank you sir.

               Hard glances at his gilded watch which shimmers in the light.

                                     HARD
                         We meet in exactly ten minutes in my
                         office.  All late-comers go into the
                         pot.

                                     DELILAH
                         Where do I find them sir?

                                     HARD
                         Downstairs, under lock and key lest
                         you double-cross us.

               INT. CAGE - SAME

               A girl, DAISY (7), one hand cuffed to the bunk bed in the
               cage hugs the smaller kid who's with her. She hums a plaintive
               song but breaks off from time to time to cough.

               The smaller kid shivers and Daisy shifts around so her back
               face the draughty side of the cage.  The cuff strains against
               the wrist.  She bites her lip, hugs the kid tighter and rocks
               her gently.

               INT. BASEMENT - LATER

               Ramified networks of leaking pipes traverse the massive
               basement.  

               Delilah, dodging the dripping water, makes her way to one
               end of the basement where a rusty cage sits.  The sentry who
               stands guard by the cage opens it.

               INT. CAGE - CONTINUOUS

               Delilah slips into the cage.

                                     DELILAH
                         Honey, mommy's home!

               Delilah darts across the cage, smothers both kids in a bear
               hug.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         5.


                                     SENTRY (O.S.)
                         You got only two. . .

                                     DELILAH
                         Minutes, I know that.

               Tears stream down Delilah's cheeks.  She picks up the smaller
               kid, kisses her incessantly.

                                     DAISY
                         Mom when are we going home?

                                     DELILAH
                         Soon honey.  I'll find a way, I
                         promise.

               The sentry peers into the cage.

                                     SENTRY
                         Miss Waspe you only got a few seconds
                         left.

               Delilah rises.  Daisy clings to her.

                                     DELILAH
                         I'll see you again.

               Delilah disentangles herself, heads for the door.

                                     DAISY
                         Mom don't go!  Don't leave us mom
                         puh-lease!

               The door slams shut.

                              

« Last Edit: March 26, 2013, 03:20:12 PM by Ajaxe »

Offline CJBlane175

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Re: Feedback - anyone?
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2013, 10:13:11 AM »
Just a thought -- a little ambiguous, things don't tie together very nicely. This could be because its a part of a whole, but its something to consider. The actions are also getting lost, put a stronger emphasis on what is happening rather than the backdrop its happening under.

Hope this helps,

CJ

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Feedback - anyone?
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2013, 06:45:58 PM »
i'm hoping to review this tomorrow if i get a chance - hang in there, i'll be back  :)

Offline Ajaxe

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Re: Feedback - anyone?
« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2013, 03:43:12 PM »
Still waiting D; and Blane (sorry I been planning how I'll spend my vacation) thanks for your comments.

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Feedback - anyone?
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2013, 06:36:46 PM »
i've been ill for the past few days - sorry. i'll be home again tomorrow. send me a pm to remind me  :)

Offline Ajaxe

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Re: Feedback - anyone?
« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2013, 09:14:52 AM »
Sorry to hear that mc. I wish a quick recovery. We can get back to  the crit much later when you feel better.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Feedback - anyone?
« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2013, 10:04:14 AM »
Hi Ajaxe -- certainly this has helped me with the creature I intend to create. Thank you. ;)

Offline Ajaxe

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Re: Feedback - anyone?
« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2013, 10:18:53 AM »
You're welcome Sio.

The sweet thing about screenwriting is that except for the basic proper punctuation, the grammar rules can be broken at will and oh the diction! You choose only what works best to SHOW what you have in mind.

I guess by the time we're through with the scriptfever challenge you'll have mastered the basics of screenwriting. After that the rest of the stuff is fun. . .as long as you have the great story ideas.

All the best!

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Feedback - anyone?
« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2013, 05:48:25 PM »
Sorry to hear that mc. I wish a quick recovery. We can get back to  the crit much later when you feel better.


gimme a few days. cheers

Offline Ajaxe

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Re: Feedback - anyone?
« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2013, 07:51:59 AM »
OK.

Thanks in advance;)