Author Topic: Test of bravery  (Read 4063 times)

Offline Margarett

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Test of bravery
« on: September 14, 2012, 01:16:56 PM »
This is not a final draft. My final draft will include a Bibliography of sources.

Here is an example of what I mostly write about..


MONSTERS IN THE MISSISSIPPI
By: Margarett
Word count  207
Ages 8 to 12.

September 05, 2012


MONSTERS IN THE MISSISSIPPI


Did you know that a monster is invading the Mighty Mississippi River? And, with no known predators, the Asian Carp pose a danger to all who love boating on the river. Both, water skiers and boaters have been injured by this alien fish who often leap 10 feet into air when startled.

Asian carp can grow to be 5 feet long and weigh 150 pounds. As a tiny minnow, this species was accidentally released into the river. Where they began to multiply and spread. Now these huge monsters are gobbling up the habitats of our native fish and eating their offspring too.

Scientist have spent ten years looking for a magic bio-bullet that will kill the invader and not harm other fish. But, for now it seems they are fighting a losing battle. As the Asian Carp multiplies and swims ever northward.

This monster is swimming up the Mississippi moving toward the Great Lakes. Once it reaches the Great Lakes scientist fear this monster  will be unstoppable. Because a single female of this species will lay a million eggs in her lifetime.  This alone virtually assures their species survives.

Let’s all hope that scientist finds that magical bio-bullet before it is too late!



Dawn suggested I post this for opinions and critiques..

This is my usual items of writ..Don't kill it please...but do offer ways to improve if you will.
« Last Edit: September 14, 2012, 01:19:35 PM by Margarett »
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2012, 01:20:08 PM »
scientist ->>> scientists [plural]

Asian carp or Asian Carp -- be consistent

Deadly frags have crept in. Fix them. ;)

Here is an example of what I mostly write about..


MONSTERS IN THE MISSISSIPPI
By: Margarett
Word count  207
Ages 8 to 12.

September 05, 2012


MONSTERS IN THE MISSISSIPPI


Did you know that a monster is invading the Mighty Mississippi River? And, with no known predators, the Asian Carp pose a danger to all who love boating on the river. Both, water skiers and boaters have been injured by this alien fish who often leap 10 feet into air when startled.

Asian carp can grow to be 5 feet long and weigh 150 pounds. As a tiny minnow, this species was accidentally released into the river. Where they began to multiply and spread. Now these huge monsters are gobbling up the habitats of our native fish and eating their offspring too.

Scientist have spent ten years looking for a magic bio-bullet that will kill the invader and not harm other fish. But, for now it seems they are fighting a losing battle. As the Asian Carp multiplies and swims ever northward.

This monster is swimming up the Mississippi moving toward the Great Lakes. Once it reaches the Great Lakes scientist fear this monster  will be unstoppable. Because a single female of this species will lay a million eggs in her lifetime.  This alone virtually assures their species survives.

Let’s all hope that scientist finds that magical bio-bullet before it is too late!



Dawn suggested I post this for opinions and critiques..

This is my usual items of writ..Don't kill it please...but do offer ways to improve if you will.


Offline wanderer

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2012, 01:30:09 PM »
Wonder if a date when they were introduced would help. Maybe at what rate they are moving up the river? I'm familiar with carp, but are the Asian carp a different species? The carp we have in the lakes and rivers are a problem and they can't be controlled. However, Asians and I think some Europeans eat them, and they are a good food source there. Here they make good fertilizer.  ;)

Wolfe

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2012, 02:17:15 PM »
I recommend you not open with a question—rhetorical or otherwise. Originally, I posted a line-by-line edit, but noted your 'don't kill it' comment afterwards.

I've removed the original posting, but still have it saved elsewhere if you want to read it. Otherwise, I must say the article needs a lot of work.

Just my humble opinion.

hillwalker3000

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2012, 02:23:57 PM »
Not a killing... just a few comments:

Did you know that a monster is invading the Mighty Mississippi River? And, with no known predators, the Asian Carp pose a danger to all who love boating on the river. Both, water skiers and boaters have been injured by this alien fish who often leap 10 feet into the air when startled.

A couple of things right away - 'monsters' in the title, and 'monster' in the opening sentence. It's rather melodramatic for a fish that can jump 10 feet into the air if that's the only hazard it presents. I was expecting a piranha-like thirst for flesh at the very least.

Asian carp can grow to be 5 feet long and weigh 150 pounds. As a tiny minnow, this species was accidentally released into the river. This needs corroborating - when, how and why? Where they began to multiply and spread. sentence fragment that doesn't make sense Now these huge monsters are gobbling up the habitats A physical impossibility of our native fish and eating their offspring too.

Scientists have spent ten years looking for a magic bio-bullet that will kill the invader and not harm other fish. But, for now it seems they are fighting a losing battle. As the Asian Carp multiplies and swims ever northward. Another sentence fragment - we're waiting to be told what happens next.

This monster same criticism as before is swimming up the Mississippi moving towards the Great Lakes. Once it reaches the Great Lakes repetition scientists fear this monster !!! will be unstoppable. Because a single female of this species will lay a million eggs in her lifetime. another sentence fragment - again because of this, what happens next? This alone virtually assures their species survives.

Let’s all hope that scientists find(s) that magical bio-bullet before it is too late!

You've got some useful raw material here but I think it's too heavy on the sensationalism and too lightweight on the facts. I accept that this piece is aimed at younger readers and you're trying to capture their attention but you need to paint a much more evocative picture of the damage they do. What would happen, for example, if other species of fish were wiped out by this predator? It seemed a little toothless when it came to the threat they pose.

H3K

Offline Dawn

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2012, 02:33:49 PM »
Hi Margaret,

I think you have been given some excellent advice. As your article is for children, I would try to keep it amusing. You need to reel (sorry no pun intended) them in from the beginning.
Perhaps.

A monster? Surely Not!

I'm not going to rework anymore of it, because this is your article and your voice. I just wanted to show how I would perhaps attract children's attention.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Margarett

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2012, 04:29:16 PM »
510hban Thanks.  I still can not master sentence frag's.. seems I never will.

Wolfe: I did see your helpful advise and edit. I appreciated it very much!

Thanks Hillwalker for your edit. And, I do have corroboration from Arkansas Game and Fish that they were mistakenly dumped along with other fish while replenishing other species. The environment of the Mississippi turned a minnow into a monster species. They have a bounty on them in some places now.

Sincerely,

Margarett

http://www.dailyherald.com/article/20110213/news/799999463/
« Last Edit: September 14, 2012, 04:44:36 PM by Margarett »
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline heidi52

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2012, 07:07:28 PM »
Some hot and happening chef needs to rave about how delicious they are and how he loves cooking them.  That would cut down on them.  ;D

Wolfe

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2012, 04:39:53 AM »
Or hold more bow shooting fish competitions.

. . .

No, I'm not making this up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nc-e8EGkLMo&feature=related

Seems to me the fish won that one.  :D
« Last Edit: September 15, 2012, 04:41:24 AM by Wolfe »

hillwalker3000

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2012, 05:01:29 AM »
Hi Margarett,

I guessed you did have corroboration - so you need to mention the circumstances briefly but in more detail, and perhaps insert a quote from one of the scientists on how this magic-bullet is meant to work.

H3K

Lin

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #10 on: September 19, 2012, 01:28:30 PM »
Hi Margarett

I would delete the words 'on the river'. The Asian Carp pose a danger to all who love boating on the river. You have written it twice and I think you could end the sentence with 'boating'   I did a spot of editing here to show you how many words you can cut down on to make it tighter.  Try not to repeat words and make sure you turn your sentences around to sound less passive. Also don't start sentences you cannot finish, they don't make sense.



Did you know that a monster is invading the Mighty Mississippi River? With no known predators, the Asian Carp poses a danger to all who love boating on the river. Both (no comma here) water skiers and boaters have been injured by this alien fish who often leap 10 feet into air when startled.

Asian carp can grow to be 5 feet long and weigh 150 pounds. As a tiny minnow, this species was accidentally released into the river, where (Not a new sentence here) they began to multiply and spread. Now These monster fish are gobbling up the habitats of our native species and eating their offspring too.

Scientist have spent ten years looking for a magic bio-bullet that will kill to destroy  the invader and be less harmful to other fish. But (no comma here) for now, COMMA it seems they are fighting a losing battle as the Asian Carp multiplies and swims ever northward.

This monster swims (Repeated word)the Mississippi moving toward the Great Lakes. Once it reaches the Great Lakes Scientists fear this monster will be unstoppable, because a single female will lay a million eggs in her lifetime.  This alone virtually assures survival of the species.

Let’s all hope that scientist find that magical bio-bullet before it is too late!
  - This is your own point of view and I feel you could write it thus:-

Scientists hope that soon the bio-bullet can be discovered before it's too late.

Depending on what age group you are targeting I feel you don' t want to get too technical but you could make it sound a bit more interesting perhaps.  Tell them what the carp looks like, the colour, it's all a bit basic I think but a good subject - well done!
« Last Edit: September 19, 2012, 01:38:18 PM by Lin Treadgold »

Offline Margarett

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #11 on: September 21, 2012, 03:35:06 PM »
A monster has invaded the mighty Mississippi River! Surely not.

But it's true and with no known predators, the Asian Carp poses a danger to all who love boating. Both water skiers and boaters have been injured by this alien who often leaps 10 feet into air when startled.

Asian carp grow to be 5 feet long and weigh 150 pounds. As a tiny minnow, this species was accidentally released into the river, where they began to multiply and spread. Now these monster fish are gobbling up seventy percent of their body weight in plankton each day, destroying many native fishes habitat and eating their offspring too.

They have had a huge and damaging impact on the seven billion dollar a year fishing industry. This one species of fish now makes up more than fifty percent, by body weight, of all fish swimming in our rivers.

Scientist have spent ten years looking for a magic bio-bullet to destroy this invader and be less harmful to other fish. But for now, it seems they are fighting a losing battle as the Asian Carp multiplies and swims ever northward, toward the Great Lakes. A single female will lay a million eggs in her lifetime. This alone assures survival of her species.

Once it reaches the Great Lakes scientists fear this monster will be unstoppable. Ontario has made it illegal to possess live carp and have an invasion plan ready for when this monster reaches their deep waters!

Scientists hope that soon the bio-bullet can be discovered before it's too late.
« Last Edit: September 21, 2012, 08:17:14 PM by Margarett »
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline wanderer

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #12 on: September 21, 2012, 04:31:37 PM »
If the piece is for children, you might want to clarify a "bio-bullet?" Also the same comments as before, when were they introduced, how fast are they spreading, etc.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #13 on: September 21, 2012, 08:18:56 PM »
Scientists have spent ten years ;)

Offline wanderer

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Re: Test of bravery
« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2012, 08:28:51 PM »
Yes, but 10 years from 1789 or 1875, or 2000???