Author Topic: First script  (Read 2738 times)

Offline ojpriceman

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First script
« on: June 17, 2012, 01:39:43 PM »
This is a segment of a script I'm working on, in context this takes place at a party and this conversation happens after a lot of drinking. Just looking for some feedback.

EXT Ė WALL OF THE HOUSE Ė LATE AT NIGHT

JAMES is sat down leant against the wall with Natalie leaning on him. He has his arm around her as they both smoke.

JAMES
What did you want to talk about
earlier?

NATALIE
Weíll talk later.

JAMES
Nat whatís wrong?

NATALIE
(turning around to look at him)
Iím moving down to Nottingham in a couple
of months.

JAMES
What? Why?

NATALIE
To go live with my dad.

JAMES
When were you gunna tell me?

NATALIE
Later when we were alone.

JAMES
Donít go.

NATALIE
Why?

JAMES
For me.

NATALIE
But youíre the only thing keeping
me up here.

JAMES
Isnít that enough, I love you.

NATALIE
I love you too, so come down with me.

JAMES
I canít you know I canít.

NATALIE
Why not?

JAMES
Because my life is up here, my friends
my family.

NATALIE
Now what then?

JAMES
I donít know, please donít go. Stay up
here with me.

NATALIE
I canít.

JAMES
Why?

NATALIE
Too many shit things up here, I need a
fresh start away from here, I want that fresh
start with you.

JAMES
This isnít going to work is it?

NATALIE
I donít want to finish this.

JAMES
But you are.

NATALIE
I should go, weíll talk about this
tomorrow when youíve had time to think.

JAMES
What so youíre just gunna leave?

NATALIE
Weíve got a couple of months till
I leave so weíll just talk tomorrow.

She stands up and walks out; he tries to follow her but just stands still watching her leave.

Offline Godsradicaldaughter

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Re: First script
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2012, 03:38:21 PM »
Hey there,

As for the writing, I think you did okay here.
I do wonder though, what is the rest of your script about?
These kind of conversations are described very often and it feels a bit like a cliche.
I would love to read more to see how you write about other situations?

I'm sorry, my commenting skills still have to develop, but if you comment on others works I'm sure there will be many people here to help you who have more experience and know how to help you really well :)

Offline ojpriceman

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Re: First script
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2012, 04:12:45 PM »
Thanks for reading, the rest of it is just at a simple house party with a few friends and girlfriends. I felt when writing it it might be a little clichť but I'm still rewriting it. Thanks for reading anyway, this is the first time I've ever shown anyone else my work.

Offline Godsradicaldaughter

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Re: First script
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2012, 04:17:03 PM »
In that case I think you did very well, I don't have much experience with writing dialogues, but I think it can never harm to suggest that you read books that contain dialogues to learn from them? anyways, keep writing :)

Offline midnight candle

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Re: First script
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2012, 04:18:47 PM »
Hi OJ

It's always hard when you post for the first time - but you did it and it gets easier.

Without knowing where this fits in it gets hard to critique it. Great to see that your formatting matches the guidelines. As for the dialogue - yes it's a little cliche. But that can be sorted. Before I go any further, if you could post the back story and what happens after (just a brief text and not script) and I'll see how the dialogue can move the story along.

A lot of writers struggle with dialogue which is ironic, because we use it everyday. However, making dialogue work and push the story into the next scene needs more than just words. Sub-text counts for a lot.

Header should read:

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

House is good enough as the action describes where they sit. Night is good enough too - it is what it is.

Daryl
« Last Edit: June 17, 2012, 04:20:39 PM by midnight candle »

Offline ojpriceman

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Re: First script
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2012, 04:23:58 PM »
The basic story is just a group of conversations which take place at a party and how they progress as everybody drinks more and more. I'm not sure what happens after I can't work out an ending that would suit the characters.

Personally I've also found that dialogue should lead a story.

Offline midnight candle

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Re: First script
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2012, 04:25:04 PM »
I don't know how I can help you then - the conversations have to lead somewhere. Have a think about it and we'll work on it.

 8)

Offline ojpriceman

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Re: First script
« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2012, 04:27:11 PM »
Thanks for reading it. I am rewriting it at the moment so it should improve and I should have a better idea of what it is in general. Thanks anyway.

Offline midnight candle

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Re: First script
« Reply #8 on: June 17, 2012, 04:31:00 PM »
Thanks for reading it. I am rewriting it at the moment so it should improve and I should have a better idea of what it is in general. Thanks anyway.

Repost it when it's finished. Look forward to it.

Offline smann36

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Re: First script
« Reply #9 on: September 28, 2012, 07:45:57 PM »
Hey I think you've done a good job so far, but this seems like it may be 10-15 mins into a feature length film.
and even after this i think you can have a bunch of plot lines that are bascially limitless.

sorry for the amateur comment but i like your writing style and can see this becoming much more. keep me updated :)

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: First script
« Reply #10 on: September 28, 2012, 08:31:22 PM »
Please read and follow the guidelines for this board:

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,3425.0.html

You might want to pay special attention to this part:

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Pre-Posting (do yourself a favor)
Read and comment on at least three other posts. Not only are members likely to return the favor, but you will learn how to improve and present your work.
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Offline caz320ml

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Re: First script
« Reply #11 on: October 01, 2012, 02:56:12 PM »
Well done for posting. As this is your first script the sample is great. I have a few comments.

I agree the header should be cut down, keep it simple.

The dialogue is realistic, but unexciting. Also I did not feel that they were drunk, so if that is what you are getting at imagine how you talk when drunk, but be careful not to over do it.

It is very hard to say anymore without knowing the plot and what your characters are after, but well done and I would love to see your next draft.

Caroline