Author Topic: Film Student! My first short film- "The One" Help needed!  (Read 2074 times)

Offline ashley19

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Film Student! My first short film- "The One" Help needed!
« on: July 31, 2012, 12:40:00 PM »
Hi all,

I'm a first year film student and have written my first ever short film script for my film "The One"

The film follows two main characters. Alex and Lilah- both lonely, leading dull mediocre lives and looking for the one. They narrate as we see them near closer to finding the arms of one another. It isn't until the end we discover that Alex's references to finding "The One" weren't about finding a lover at all, but a victim.

This is just the first draft and I know it is weak at points, I hope I can get some feedback on how and where to change it.

Script is attached.

Thank you :)
Ashley

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Film Student! My first short film- "The One" Help needed!
« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2012, 12:50:38 PM »
Hello Ashley - it's great that you wish to get feedback on your work, but since you haven't taken the time to introduce yourself on the welcome board (link below) nor to read and comment on anyone else's work - I think you may be getting the cart before the horse.

Also, many of us are hesitant about clicking links to unknown destinations, offered us by someone we don't yet know.

After you have taken the time to introduce yourself, read the guideline and offer others the same thing you wish to receive (feedback) I would suggest you post a sample of your work on this board where it can be read without worry.

To visit the Welcome Board and introduce yourself.
Welcome Board:
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/board,1.0.html

Also, you will find Guidelines posted for a number of our boards, especially the prose and poetry boards. They are on the left hand menu when you open the board, generally named something like Read This First and stuck near the top with a Blue Stick Pin.

Please read and follow them.

Thank you,
Alice
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Offline isdnman

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Re: Film Student! My first short film- "The One" Help needed!
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2012, 03:58:56 AM »
Hello Ashley,

If I were a director I would have a great deal of trouble interpreting your script; to make it more interesting rather than mundane I would have to inject a great deal of visual drama, and perhaps employ an unconventional treatment like a relentless music track, or a weird color scheme, or maybe even graphics (think of fight club the scene where he's describing his purchase of ikea furniture). The reason for this is simple, the script is not powerful enough to make the film convincing, so naturally the reverse is in order, we would have to make the film powerful enough to make the script convincing.

There may have been some touching moments, whether this is attributable to your writing or to a loneliness that I've felt in my own life I cannot say, but I must say that I was very disappointed with the ending. The expectation you built up had a human touch, the ending in my mind could have been something more profound and universal, will the love of another person solve our life problems, will it create more problems, is it possible to have more than one "the one" or can they be replaced, etc. instead you chose to use a very effortless twist device that anyone could have come up with. It ‘s very easy to do that sort of thing, for example you could have had the male character try to kill the female one only to be surprised that she had intended to do so first; so double twist, big deal. Now I know you that you’re trying to say ‘passion’ can be projected into love and violence as well, I honestly think that only a serial killer would appreciate your film’s hypothesis, or maybe an audience with gornographic tastes, and visceral imagery, unless that is your intention, I think you need to revise your script and ask yourself what you’re trying to say and who you’re saying it to.


« Last Edit: September 05, 2012, 02:03:46 PM by isdnman »

Offline zzz

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Re: Film Student! My first short film- "The One" Help needed!
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2012, 04:52:34 AM »
Truthfully when I first saw this post I was leery about downloading the pdf to read but after reading isdnman's feedback I was curious enough to do so.

Not wanting to judge the intention of your script or speak to who your audience might be because I believe we all have our own unique stories in us and being a horror writer and fantasy writer I've had plenty of people tell me exactly what they think about the fact that I can write the stuff I do. A story I was working on for an anthology was about post apocalyptic cannibalism and I was writing about a group of children who lured and captured adults to eat them and I was told by several people that only sicko's would like my story...ok well let's be honest maybe that's true  ;D hehe. Oops gotta rein myself in before I go completely off on a tangent.

Back to what I was saying that being set aside I had a hard time forcing myself to finish your script. It feels lacking of something, some spark that would have caught my interest from the beginning. I also found the dialogue to be over dramatic at times and cheesy. Unlike the previous poster I, unfortunately, felt absolutely no emotional connection to the characters or to what was going on. I need something to make me care about them, give me a reason to because I really want to care about them...otherwise I wouldn't be watching your movie.

Personally I liked the twist at the ending. If it was done well the audience would be shocked, not having seen it coming. You could figure out a way to drop a subtle hint or two at what's coming up without being overly obvious about it that way your audience doesn't necessarily feel lied to about where the story is going.
“Here are the two states in which you may exist: person who writes, or person who does not. If you write: you are a writer. If you do not write: you are not." ~ Chuck Wendig

Justin Swofford

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Re: Film Student! My first short film- "The One" Help needed!
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2012, 07:16:12 AM »
Might catch some flack for this. But I'd better say it anyway because I'm all for making this film better.

I agree with the other critiques. It feels like we've just seen this story before. The choices for plot and character are too straightforward. I'm not sure whether you are under constraints regarding the length of your film, but I felt the script needed to be longer in order to really flesh things out. Dialogue was lacking, as the others said, but that's probably mainly because the concept is too vague at this point.

As someone who has collaborated on scripts and short films before, I think it would help if you really played this film out in your mind and considered what you might do in order to create more drama, more tension, more energy.

I did think the script was very professionally laid out for being a first draft. However, try throwing in a few more specialized camera directions. Phrases such as "look down" might be "camera pans down" and a flashback might be accompanied by an effect. Add in other types of cuts as you see fit to help the screenplay come alive.

I also agree with zzz on the final scene. Even though it's a twist ending, the standard thing to do is to weave a few clues into the fabric of the story up until that climax. An ending like that -- well, forgive my candor but it's tacked on. As if the story was lacking momentum anyway, so you M. Night Shyamalan'd us at the end in an attempt to claim some legitimacy.

Rethink the story and characters and come up with something fresher. I'm looking forward to seeing what you'll do with it.

And for what it's worth, my favorite part was the "passion is a wolf" bit.  :D


Best of luck,

Justin