Author Topic: Grave scene  (Read 4736 times)

Nelodra

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Grave scene
« on: September 06, 2006, 05:41:36 PM »
I had this scene in my head for days, and was finally able to write it down today.
This is somewhere in Chapter 4 of my fantasy novel.
I would like to know if this is not too cheezy.
And if my English is flawed, please tell me. English is not my first language.


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« Last Edit: February 16, 2009, 04:53:04 PM by Nelodra »

Offline sleepycat

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2006, 11:33:36 AM »
I thought this was lovely, and really took me away to fantasy places. I so admire anyone who can write like this, especially in a second language.

The only slight language problem was with the following: 
Quote
and felt no other emotions than only the strong, sad yearning for his parents.
You shouldn't have the 'only' after than. Also, you only mention one emotion - the yearning, so not plural.
 I can think of three other ways to write this: felt no other emotion than the strong, sad yearning... or felt no emotion other than... or the only emotion he felt was...

Everything else is brilliant!

Nelodra

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2006, 12:05:35 PM »
Thanks!
I'll change that part, thanks for telling me.

Offline Big T

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2006, 01:12:43 PM »
Nelodra ...... brilliant.
Want to teach me English  ???
You wrote this beautifully!
T
Big T  :o

Nelodra

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2006, 01:41:20 PM »
Thanks, Big T.
Me? Teach you English?
I bet yours is better than mine.
BTW: Nice new picture you've got there  :)

Offline Big T

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2006, 02:06:20 PM »
I am going to tell everyone that it is my Dad   :-\
Big T  :o

Nelodra

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2006, 02:13:08 PM »
Wow, you've got a young Dad  ;)
Here's a picture of my Dad, on his website:
http://vitaalmassage.nl

Dave Driver

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2006, 02:32:25 PM »
Hi Nelodra

Just read your piece and I enjoyed it.There was only one line which didn`t sound right,but I see Sleepycat had helped you
with it.

Goodluck
Dave

Nelodra

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2006, 04:13:48 PM »
Thanks, Dave. I changed that line already, using sleepycat's second suggestion.
I really enjoyed doing these paragraphs, and am pleased that they came out so well.

Offline Big T

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2006, 04:36:34 PM »
Wow, you've got a young Dad  ;)
Here's a picture of my Dad, on his website:
http://vitaalmassage.nl

Ben jij von Nederland?

T
Big T  :o

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2006, 05:01:51 PM »
I like your scene a lot and as other have mentioned the "only" I'll skip over that.  But I have a couple of other suggestions (use or not, you know your style better than I do.) One thing I would suggest is that you read this out loud to yourself and be aware of the commas.  When reading aloud do you really pause where you've placed the commas? 
The only other thing - I think it would read easier if you made some of it into seperate paragraphs.  I'll show you what I mean.


I had this scene in my head for days, and was finally able to write it down today.
This is somewhere in Chapter 4 of my fantasy novel.
I would like to know if this is not too cheezy.
And if my English is flawed, please tell me. English is not my first language.

 
Even though he realized full well that his present situation was far from ideal, Relu thoroughly enjoyed the ride. Darolís horse was a magnificent animal, and at times it almost felt like they were flying. It was a truly exhilarating experience. Relu was surprised, and even a bit disappointed, at how soon he found himself standing at the grave. Then, remembering why he had come, he took a moment to collect his thoughts and form an image of his parents in his mind.

 He saw his motherís face; her long, black hair falling playfully over her shoulder, and her golden eyes looking at him lovingly. Her olive coloured skin, slightly darker than his, was smooth and flawless. He could even smell the sweet, flowery fragrance that somehow always seemed to hover around her.

His fatherís weathered faced smiled at him, his black eyes sparkling, and full of life. His untidy brown curls dangled around his face, and his beard was just as wild and unkempt as ever.

How he missed them!

Slowly, he took Amraís lock of hair out of his pouch and held it in his right hand as he stretched face-down on the grave. The smell of the dark, humid earth mingled with the heavy aroma of the white lilies that grew around the gravestone.


Having said all that, I still think your prose is wonderful and you should be proud of the gift you have been given. 

I enjoyed the glimpse into your fantasy world very much.
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Nelodra

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2006, 06:05:25 PM »
Ben jij von Nederland?

T

Yup, that's right T!
Born and bread in The Hague, but currently living in Anrhem with husband and daughters.

Nelodra

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #12 on: September 07, 2006, 06:11:32 PM »
I like your scene a lot and as other have mentioned the "only" I'll skip over that.  But I have a couple of other suggestions (use or not, you know your style better than I do.) One thing I would suggest is that you read this out loud to yourself and be aware of the commas.  When reading aloud do you really pause where you've placed the commas? 
The only other thing - I think it would read easier if you made some of it into seperate paragraphs.  I'll show you what I mean.

Having said all that, I still think your prose is wonderful and you should be proud of the gift you have been given. 

I enjoyed the glimpse into your fantasy world very much.

Thanks CountryGal.
I'm usually struggling with the comma's. Sometimes I do too many of them, and at other times too few.
And then - to make things even worse - MSWord keeps suggesting comma's where I'd never expected them, too.

Offline Tamara

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #13 on: September 08, 2006, 12:45:56 AM »
Hi Nelodra,

I think that I read somewhere that you translate to English after you have written the piece?  Is that right?  I find difficulty speaking English and it is my ONLY language.  You have mastered it magnificently and write an interesting story.  A job well done.

Later,
tamara :D
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Offline Wantabe

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Re: Grave scene
« Reply #14 on: September 08, 2006, 03:09:17 AM »
This is a great scene.  I like the way you take us away.  It does smack of something I have seen before.  Have you ever seen the movie "Contact" with Jodi Foster?  Your scene is similar to when she meets her dead father durring her mission, but I think far enough apart that it won't hurt your overall story.  Keep on this, you do have a gift.  You need to teach us all English, you write beter than I do.  (That isn't hard though.) 

Never stop writing...  ;)