Author Topic: Be Free  (Read 1353 times)

Offline yuna-is-loveless

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Be Free
« on: September 03, 2012, 04:42:30 AM »
When It all began it was I,
who lent a hand,
you wanted to fall,
I built you up,
you wanted to fly,
well, tough luck,

In between,
you began to change,
your walls grew strong,
you were unafraid,

a passion that far excited mine,
as I began to lag behind,
You strung me along,
but I began to see,
you no longer needed me,

as time moves on,
I will fade,
but the memories we've shared ,
they'll give you wings ,
so you can fly away ,
and become something,

don't weap for me ,
because it was my pleasure,
to sow in every delicate feather,

change your life,
be a guiding light,
lend others a hand ,
as I gave mine ,

time is relative,
for friends such as we,
I succeed as you fufull your destiny,

you will forever be,
a part of me,
so be happy, be healthy,
but most of all,
be free,
« Last Edit: September 03, 2012, 04:47:01 AM by yuna-is-loveless »

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Be Free
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2012, 04:50:15 AM »
welcome to the forum

take some time to read the blue stickies at the top of the poetry board

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,10400.0.html

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Be Free
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2012, 08:20:27 AM »
weap ->>> weep

Offline isa

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Re: Be Free
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2012, 09:11:58 AM »
very sweet for who ever it is written about but for the general reader it does not mean much.
It also is very telly - telling us what happened instead of showing us, try to express more how you felt, your feeling etc.

Also these;

Quote
lent a hand
tough luck
strung me along
time moves on,
I will fade
give you wings
no longer needed me
a guiding light,
lend others a hand
fufull your destiny
be free
None are original and make up the most of your poem. Too many clichés.
jmo Isa
All's fair in love and publicity.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Be Free
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2012, 07:37:45 PM »
Please don't forget to visit the Welcome Board also and introduce yourself.  ;)

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/board,1.0.html
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The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

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Offline Victor

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Re: Be Free
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2012, 07:16:13 AM »
very sweet for who ever it is written about but for the general reader it does not mean much.
It also is very telly - telling us what happened instead of showing us, try to express more how you felt, your feeling etc.


I agree. I can understand the emotion behind the writing but it needs more to engage the reader, more specifics and dynamism.
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline Gyppo

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Re: Be Free
« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2012, 04:49:21 AM »
which far excited mine ?  (probably exceeded)

to sow in every delicate feather  (probably sew)

You've has some good advice from the  others.

Gyppo
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1