Author Topic: Intro into a scene  (Read 2528 times)

Offline Heinrich

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Intro into a scene
« on: August 09, 2012, 12:15:11 PM »
Hi guys

I'm sorry to bother, but I'm stuck, and in a big way. So I thought I'd pester you and maybe it'll give me some direction. I have been wrestling with a short story for some time now. I need to write this story, so I'm not giving up on it... even though its driving me up the wall. So here's my dilemma, I want to start scene 2 with my protagonist waking up from unconsciousness. Only. everything I write seems cliched. In six hours, this is the best that I've come up with. Please, all opinions are welcome.

Quiet voices slowly penetrated the fog and dragged him back to consciousness.

As you can see, it's the very beginning that has me by the delicate s. I just cant get past it and I've done to many rewrites to let the sucker by. ???

Offline wanderer

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Re: Intro into a scene
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2012, 12:54:12 PM »
How about the waking of the senses? Eyes, ears, nose, etc. Address the awakening of each?

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Intro into a scene
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2012, 01:08:26 PM »
Why does he have to 'waken up'? Couldn't he be involved in what he does next and wonder about what he's missed when he realises he's been 'out cold'?

Offline Heinrich

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Re: Intro into a scene
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2012, 01:11:06 PM »
It is something that I've considered. The problem is that it is a short story with a 2000 word limit and five scenes. I need to be very economical. I do not want to spend to much time on him waking up. I basically want the atmosphere and the setting to be established with the least words possible. I'm thinking... him "waking up" with his captures waiting, so that he can be questioned. No pressure ;D

Offline Heinrich

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Re: Intro into a scene
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2012, 01:40:55 PM »
Why does he have to 'waken up'? Couldn't he be involved in what he does next and wonder about what he's missed when he realises he's been 'out cold'?

Okay, baring in mind that this "gentleman" has been knocked unconscious because he broke into a house just as something of extreme importance was stolen... how would you go about this... action. It might very well be that you've given me a way out of my predicament. :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Intro into a scene
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2012, 01:46:42 PM »
He could perform actions, still in pain from the blow to the head -- rub the bump, feel dizzy . . .  :-[

Tony_A20

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Re: Intro into a scene
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2012, 01:47:07 PM »
Hello Heinrich,

Why not have his captor grab him by the shirt front and slap him a few times?

That will start the conflict.

JMO

Tony

Offline Heinrich

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Re: Intro into a scene
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2012, 01:50:24 PM »
He could perform actions, still in pain from the blow to the head -- rub the bump, feel dizzy . . .  :-[

I'm suddenly thinking he might have played at passing out and, though in pain, be listening in on the stuff going on around him. (Little face with a light bulb on his head)  ;D

Offline Don

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Re: Intro into a scene
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2012, 01:56:57 PM »
The floor wasn't nearly as comfortable as it looked. When I opened my eyes, I found myself surrounded by a forest of legs with cheap shoes.
I have a motto: when in doubt, go for the cheap laugh.

Offline Heinrich

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Re: Intro into a scene
« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2012, 02:00:03 PM »
Hello Heinrich,

Why not have his captor grab him by the shirt front and slap him a few times?

That will start the conflict.

JMO

Tony

Thanks Tony, but my character is knocked out by a "mystical force"... it is a fantasy short story. Up until this moment no-one of the other character even know he exists.

Offline Foxy

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Re: Intro into a scene
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2012, 03:00:36 PM »
The floor wasn't nearly as comfortable as it looked. When I opened my eyes, I found myself surrounded by a forest of legs with cheap shoes.

Love it, Don.
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Silt-2

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Re: Intro into a scene
« Reply #11 on: August 09, 2012, 03:37:15 PM »
If you want it strong, don't make it only narrative. Anyone can do that. Bring his initial confusion into the story, but make that 'alarmclock' wakening something that builds the story too. ie  his captors voices talking to him or themselves. It could be broken at first as his wits try to scramble, but then the scene is not just for him coming conscious, but also a part of the continuing story.

Just a thought

Offline Heinrich

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Re: Intro into a scene
« Reply #12 on: August 09, 2012, 04:25:19 PM »
Thank you Don. Thank you Silt. I decided to go with a combination of all the suggestions. He is going to wake up bound in the chair and his captors is going to start the interogation from the second paragraph. There might even be a couple of slaps in there, Tony.  ;) Being a short story I have to start with the action as soon as possible and not waste too much time on describing how he wakes up. As to what happens when he is awake. I'm prone to getting caught up in non-essential info. :-[