Author Topic: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs  (Read 7383 times)

Offline sherabeezee

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Sally skipped down  the  grassy  track at the side of the corn field.  A warm breeze ruffled her hair as she shaded her eyes against the sun.  High above in the blue sky she could hear the skylark singing.  A beautiful orange butterfly glided down to land in front of her. Folding fragile wings against its tiny body, the creature became still, as the breeze ruffled the delicate wings.
 
   Kneeling down she looked at each pretty colour.  Startled the creature soared into the air above her, the clear gossamer wings moving with ease and grace.  Sally followed the butterfly as it fluttered down the track to the end of the field.
 
   Birds swooped in circles above her.  A gap in the hedge led into the woods and she hesitated, as the creature vanished into the trees.  She walked faster breathing in the sweet aroma of the woodland flowers.  The quiet scared her and she almost turned back.  Spellbound, she watched as the butterfly disappeared beneath the tree branches.  She sank to her knees as it fluttered to the ground a few yards in front of her.

   To her amazement and joy, butterflies of different colours and sizes fluttered out of the gloom in a cloud of wings.   Her  hands  began  to  shake as the orange butterfly landed on her arm.  Mesmerised by the beautiful creatures,  she  felt  drowsy, and  sank down onto a pile of fallen leaves and fell asleep.

   Hours later she awoke and sat up, to brush leaves from her clothes.  Gazing around tears  brimmed  in  her  eyes, her lovely butterflies had vanished into thin air.   A small circle of gold dust lay on the hairs on her arm.  Searching for her hankie, she shook the dust onto the material, folded it carefully and put it into her pocket.

Later that afternoon she arrived home, and told her Mum about the walk in the corn field, but did not mention the butterfly.  Running upstairs to her bedroom, she closed the door quietly and searched in the bedside cupboard.  Sally found a small jewel box,  lined  inside  with blue velvet.  She opened her hankie and shook the gold dust into the box, where it settled like a golden cloak onto the material.   She clicked the lid shut and hid the box under her bed.
   After tea she lay on the sofa reading a book, as her Mum took out her sewing basket.  An hour later she yawned and began to day dream about the orange butterfly.  Putting down her book,  she gave her Mum a hug and kiss and went upstairs to bed.

   In the early hours Sally awoke to see moonlight shining through a chink in the curtains.  Leaning down she reached under the bed and picked up the jewel box.  Lifting the lid her eyes widened as the light fell upon the velvet lining.  Where earlier the gold dust had settled,   now  lay  a tiny orange butterfly. An orange stone inset, like eyes in each wing, shone in the darkness.  Sally lifted the butterfly out of the box and it seemed to nestle in her palm.

   Climbing out of bed she put the butterfly on the windowsill, and inhaled the sweet aroma of honeysuckle, which drifted through the open window.  Gazing up at the moon as it began to wane in the sky, she stepped back in amazement.  The tiny butterfly soared into the air and glided out of the window.

   Gazing out she watched the tiny creature fade from view into the night sky.  With a deep sigh, she closed the curtains and climbed back into bed.  Nestling her head on the pillow, she knew the butterfly would be her special secret.  Drifting off to sleep, Sally joined the butterfly once more in her dreams.  

632 words

   
   
« Last Edit: July 04, 2012, 02:47:50 AM by sherabeezee »

Offline Margarett

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2012, 08:40:17 PM »
This is only my opinion so only give it that much credit..lol

I really do not see how this passed an editor and was published in a magazine for that age group..

1. The words in this piece are extremely adult. A four year old child is usually trying to sound out words when read aloud to and at seven some are reading alone.

Mesmerized is barely allowed in middle grade stories.


2. You say the butterfly is orange but that it has clear wings..


Remember this is only my opinion.
« Last Edit: July 07, 2012, 02:04:24 PM by Margarett »
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline Dawn

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2012, 01:49:57 AM »
I have to say as a children's writer I was also intrigued by this. I believe you have been published on a forum where they accept your work to be uploaded. Although, this is good to get your and name out their it isn't the same as going through an editor and being published in the sense we are thinking off. Hence why I think you wanted it critiquing.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline sherabeezee

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2012, 02:43:57 AM »


Hello Silt

Thanks for reading my story.  I just happened to send in this piece to an online magazine
and this is in the USA. 

I know that there are faults, that is why I have put it up for critique and any comments.

I value everyone's opinion, and hope to improve as time goes by.

Thanks
May I ask? If it has been published, why is there a need for an opinion? But even if you want one of those, wouldn't this be better suited in The Gallery?

I'm not out to give you a hard time, but normally those who wish to publish their work/improve for publication, post here for that reason. But this is not the case.



Offline sherabeezee

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2012, 02:44:51 AM »
Hello Margaret

Thanks for reading my story and I have taken your comments on board.

This is only my opinion so only give it that much credit..lol

I really do not see how this passed an editor and was published in a magazine for that age group..

1. The words in this piece are extremely adult. A four year old child is usually trying to sound out words when read allowed to and at seven some are reading alone.

Mesmerized is barely allowed in middle grade stories.


2. You say the butterfly is orange but that it has clear wings..


Remember this is only my opinion.

Offline sherabeezee

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2012, 02:46:12 AM »
Hello Alfie

Thanks for your comments I appreciate your thoughts.

Offline Matt Walker

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2012, 03:09:17 AM »
I also think it's better suited for older children. It reads more like junior fiction.

Margarett's right - is the butterfly orange or clear?

It would be nice to have some of Sally's thoughts. Also, I think you only use 'Sally' twice - you mostly use 'she', so try and mix it up.

Sally skipped down  the  grassy  track at the side of the corn field.  A warm breeze ruffled her hair as she shaded her eyes against the sun.  High above in the blue sky she could hear the skylark singing.  A beautiful orange butterfly glided down to land in front of her. Folding fragile wings against its tiny body, the creature became still,(no comma) as the breeze ruffled the delicate wings.
 
   Kneeling down she looked at each pretty colour.  Startled, the creature soared into the air above her, the clear gossamer (what?!) wings moving with ease and grace.  Sally followed the butterfly as it fluttered down the track to the end of the field.
 
   Birds swooped in circles above her.  A gap in the hedge led into the woods and she hesitated,(no comma) as the creature vanished into the trees.  She walked faster, breathing in the sweet aroma of the woodland flowers.  The quiet scared her and she almost turned back.  Spellbound, she watched as the butterfly disappeared beneath the tree branches.  She sank to her knees as it fluttered to the ground a few yards in front of her.

   To her amazement and joy, butterflies of different colours and sizes fluttered out of the gloom in a cloud of wings.   Her  hands  began  to  shake as the orange butterfly landed on her arm.  Mesmerised by the beautiful creatures,  she  felt  drowsy,(no comma) and  sank down onto a pile of fallen leaves and fell asleep.

   Hours later she awoke and sat up,(no comma) to brush leaves from her clothes.  Gazing around, tears  brimmed  in  her  eyes. Her lovely butterflies had vanished into thin air.   A small circle of gold dust lay on the hairs on her arm.  Searching for her hankie, she shook the dust onto the material, folded it carefully and put it into her pocket.

Later that afternoon she arrived home, and told her mum about the walk in the corn field, but did not mention the butterfly.  Running upstairs to her bedroom, she closed the door quietly and searched in the bedside cupboard.  Sally found a small jewel box,  lined  inside  with blue velvet.  She opened her hankie and shook the gold dust into the box, where it settled like a golden cloak onto the material.   She clicked the lid shut and hid the box under her bed.

   After tea she lay on the sofa reading a book,(no comma) as her mum took out her sewing basket.  An hour later she yawned and began to day dream about the orange butterfly.  Putting down her book,  she gave her Mum a hug and kiss and went upstairs to bed.

   In the early hours Sally awoke to see moonlight shining through a chink in the curtains.  Leaning down she reached under the bed and picked up the jewel box.  Lifting the lid her eyes widened as the light fell upon the velvet lining.  Where earlier the gold dust had settled,   now  lay  a tiny orange butterfly. An orange stone inset, like eyes in each wing, shone in the darkness.  Sally lifted the butterfly out of the box and it seemed to nestle in her palm.

   Climbing out of bed she put the butterfly on the windowsill, and inhaled the sweet aroma of honeysuckle, which drifted through the open window.  Gazing up at the moon as it began to wane in the sky, she stepped back in amazement.  The tiny butterfly soared into the air and glided out of the window.

   Gazing out she watched the tiny creature fade from view into the night sky.  With a deep sigh, she closed the curtains and climbed back into bed.  Nestling her head on the pillow, she knew the butterfly would be her special secret.  Drifting off to sleep, Sally joined the butterfly once more in her dreams.  

632 words

   
   

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Offline sherabeezee

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #7 on: July 04, 2012, 07:26:04 AM »


Hello Matt

Thanks for your critique, I agree it may be for older children.  This is my
first story completed, it is a real struggle.

I also think it's better suited for older children. It reads more like junior fiction.

Margarett's right - is the butterfly orange or clear?

It would be nice to have some of Sally's thoughts. Also, I think you only use 'Sally' twice - you mostly use 'she', so try and mix it up.


hillwalker3000

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #8 on: July 04, 2012, 10:57:21 AM »
It's well-written and has a certain charm that lights it up, but words like 'gossamer' and 'mesmerised' are going to baffle most children of your target age-group.

You manage to create an idyllic picture of the countryside in summer but I doubt there's enough here to capture the imagination of young readers unless there were also illustrations. In which case you would need to trim this down to the bare bones to allow the pictures to speak for you. The problem is that there's not a great deal happening in the first 3 paragraphs is there? So the danger is children will become bored rather quickly

I think it has the makings of a longer story - why not describe the dream she has when asleep in the woods? That will make your readers sit up. Perhaps she enters some kind of magical kingdom where butterflies can speak. Who knows? It would also make your concluding sentence more relevant.

Well done on getting accepted for on-line publishing. But remember, when it comes to 'real' publishers where your work is edited before being let loose in public you'll find it much tougher going. Good luck.

H3K

Offline sherabeezee

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #9 on: July 04, 2012, 12:27:16 PM »
Hello Hillwalker

Thanks for your comments, you have cheered me up.  I realise my story is a bit empty and needs
more depth and excitement.

This site is such a great help with writing and I appreciate your views.   

As for getting published, one has to be an absolute competent and accomplished writer
to get anywhere near an editor.   

Offline sherabeezee

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #10 on: July 05, 2012, 02:52:12 AM »
Hello Silt

Thanks for reading and commenting on my story.  I do have problems with commas and
need to work at this I just put them in randomly.

It is a great help to have someone else's opinion.

Offline adrianlynch

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2012, 01:06:50 PM »
Hi sherabeezee, this is an enjoyable piece and it’s written with charm and a clear gentle voice. I like some of the descriptions, particularly ‘where it settled like a golden cloak’ and ‘a cloud of wings.’
In terms of improvement, in addition to what others have said, you could try experimenting with the use of body language to describe emotions. For example instead of ‘amazement and joy.’ Think how Sally would react, maybe, ‘Clap and giggle.’ I’m sure that you can come up with better, but hopefully you know what I mean?
Good stuff, keep at it. All the best, Adrian.
« Last Edit: July 08, 2012, 04:20:08 AM by adrianlynch »

Offline sherabeezee

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #12 on: July 07, 2012, 01:16:11 PM »
Hello Adrian

Thanks for your positive review of my story which has given me inspiration.  I am  an amateur writer, and
finding it very difficult to finish a story.  There is so much to learn, and the other people on this site
are of great assistance.

I am taking a Creative writing course, and on the Fiction section, having to produce some short stories
for my next assignment. 

I want to write childrens stories in the future, particularly pony stories, as I am an experienced horsewoman.

Thanks again most appreciated.   

Offline Katinka

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #13 on: July 07, 2012, 09:34:06 PM »
That was a sweet story and age appropriate. You have some nice descriptions. In places I felt a melodic rythm, but it broke up with short sentences. If you wanted this story to be more effective, try to think of it as poetry and give it a smoother flow. JMO  ;)     

« Last Edit: July 07, 2012, 09:38:13 PM by Katinka »

Offline sherabeezee

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Re: The Magic Butterfly ....... childrens story....age group 4- 7yrs
« Reply #14 on: July 08, 2012, 02:57:08 AM »
Hello Katinka

Thanks for reviewing my story, I agree it seems a bit stilted in places.

I have been writing articles, and now writing stories which I am finding much harder.
 
The plot the characters and flow of story take a long time to improve on.

I find it difficult to think up a story line, and a good hook to keep the reader interested.