Author Topic: tunnel vision  (Read 1297 times)

10in95

  • Guest
tunnel vision
« on: July 03, 2012, 03:27:52 AM »
make any number of decisions
and it'll put you
where you are
today

and
when you're confronted
with the fact
that

there's
no food to eat
no liquor to drink
no cigarette to smoke

the house is silent

except
when you move
and the floor creaks so loudly

and
all the years
that have lead up to this moment
project themselves overhead

on the blank white wall

and
the decision to
sit there
and reflect

suffocates you with anxiety

until
there's only
one thing left to do

Offline eswtg

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 572
Re: tunnel vision
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2012, 03:32:51 AM »
Nice ideas and pace but I'm not keen on the odd line breaks. Words like "and" and "that" seem strange to have been selected for a line of their own. I know its free verse but I feel it could be put together far easier without the rather forced breaks.

10in95

  • Guest
Re: tunnel vision
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2012, 03:44:30 AM »
thanks for your input. i wasn't really sure about the formatting either. how would u of formatted it?

Offline eswtg

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 572
Re: tunnel vision
« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2012, 03:48:04 AM »
I could make suggestions but I would recommened seeing what the other poets suggests. I generally right in far more metered, formal verse where as there are far better free verse writers on here that could offer far better insights.

Offline BadWolf

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 144
Re: tunnel vision
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2012, 07:11:19 AM »
Yes, the format is a bit of a problem. I think Id be inclined to do it like this. I've also trimmed a few words.

"make any number of decisions
and they'll put you where you are today

and when you're confronted
with the fact
that

there's no food to eat
no liquor to drink
no cigarette to smoke

the house is silent

except when you move
and the floor creaks

all the years
that have lead up to this moment
project themselves overhead
on the blank white wall

and the decision to sit there
and reflect
suffocates you with anxiety

until there's only one thing left to do"

I rather like it.

BW
Woof-Woof!

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

  • http://www.writestreet.com/writestree
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 31219
  • Hello from Texas
    • Alice's Hide Away
Re: tunnel vision
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2012, 10:27:45 AM »
It would be nice if  you to  introduced yourself on our Welcome Board:
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/board,1.0.html

Also, please read the forum guidelines a moderator will be along to offer you. 

You'll also find guidelines on some of the other boards. They will be on the left hand menu when you open the board and titled something such as Read This First and marked with a blue stick pin.

The Review My Poetry boards guidelines are here:
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,10400.0.html

The guidelines were developed to help everyone, new members and long time members, a fair chance to have their work read and reviewed.

Thank you,
Alice
Global Moderator
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3837
Re: tunnel vision
« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2012, 01:14:58 PM »
 Hi 10,

If I might make a few additional suggestions to BW's rewrite:


"make any number of decisions
and they'll put you where you are today

and when you're confronted
with the fact
that

there's no food to eat
no liquor to drink
no cigarette to smoke (don't know why exactly but I would prefer the plural "cigarettes", perhaps because that is the usual expression).


the house is silent

except when you move
and the floor creaks

all the years
that have (lead) up to this moment----(led) Perhaps get rid of "have"
project themselves overhead
on the blank white wall

and the decision to sit there
and reflect
suffocates you with anxiety

until there's only one thing left to do"

The beginning "any number of decisions" is true but to the individual in this piece it may have seemed evrything was inevitable. Perhaps  an acknowlegement of that would work well in the narrative.