Author Topic: In The Silver Moonlight  (Read 1432 times)

Offline Xinmiao

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In The Silver Moonlight
« on: September 01, 2006, 05:52:44 AM »
In The Silver Moonlight  09/01/06

In the silver moonlight
Wind from the far Caucasian mountain
Touched the chest of the wayfarer
Gentle as Mother's hands
Softly opening the backpack so slender

In the silver moonlight
There was peace even without a dream
The heart that has long broken
Bit by bit melted into the night
Perhaps recovering to what it had been

In the silver moonlight
I wiped off all my tears in silence
In tomorrow's journey I won't be forgetting
One night a melody was played
For the youth that's going and coming
« Last Edit: September 01, 2006, 07:52:33 AM by Xinmiao »
The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.

Offline Big T

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Re: In The Silver Moonlight
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2006, 12:21:03 PM »
Xinmiao,
I liked this, i think it would have more impact in the present tense. I also think the wayfarer doesn't need the backpack. What about the opening of his soul, it goes with the healing process of his heart?
T
Big T  :o

Offline go.dot

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Re: In The Silver Moonlight
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2006, 06:01:23 PM »
finally, a melancholic poem that doesn't involve suicide or cutting wrists

it's got a brittle, fragile quality to it, well done

the backpack is a stand-out oddity amongst the otherwise soft focus emotional side of the poem, but I like that, odd is my 7th middle name.
kthanxbai

Offline Xinmiao

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Re: In The Silver Moonlight
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2006, 08:00:46 PM »
Thank you Big T and go.dot for your comments. The reason I used "backpack" was not meant to be odd. I guess it's the culture difference. Ancient Chinese people always carry a bag when traveling, or wandering? - althouh the music I was listening to when writing this is a Russian folk song (very pretty!). In any event, I like the soul idea! Also I'm really bad at the tense thing. Thanks for the advice. It's a very nice reference for me!!
The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.

OzMac

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Re: In The Silver Moonlight
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2006, 08:27:09 PM »
Yes, the poem is beautifully written.  But I'd immedietely agree with the others that 'backpack' seems out of place.  I think it just contrasts too much with the rest of the poem.

Other that that, I'd suggest you keep it just how it is  :)

Offline eric

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Re: In The Silver Moonlight
« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2006, 06:44:17 PM »
I like this.  I have no trouble with the backpack as is.  Good work.

wizard7wolf

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Re: In The Silver Moonlight
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2006, 04:43:27 AM »
Very nice
I add my praise to the others