Author Topic: Untitled  (Read 1538 times)

Offline tinted

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Untitled
« on: August 31, 2006, 02:57:54 PM »
I'm writing this to propose next May and I want it to be perfect.

The woods of death were lovely, dark and deep
But I had a promise to keep.
Find my beauty
And wake her from her sleep.

She would own my heart
And hold it forever,
I have hers but I don't know who's it is.
Hearts all look the same.

When I'll be with her,
I shall not see the monster-shadows form.
I shall not feel the rain drench me.
I shall not hear anyone's cry of pain.

By starlight,
By moonlight,
By candlelight,
She'll come to me and make me shine.

My better half.
She'll be fire to my ice.
Melt me down.
Make me burn for an eternal loving flame.

And now I've found my beauty,
With my heart pumping in her hand,
She'll never let go,
Never let go.

So Hayley, love,
Hurry to the garden of Eden,
Where I'll drive all those lovers out and cry;
'None of you have ever loved like her and I!'

I'd like to hold you forever,
Be with you for all eternity,
I guess I'm trying to say,
Will you marry me?
« Last Edit: September 01, 2006, 05:26:44 AM by tinted »

Offline Big T

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Re: Untitled
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2006, 03:03:27 PM »
How could she possibly refuse??
Needs a trim here and there unless you have a wider audience to impress.
Big T  :o

Offline BowCaster_20

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Re: Untitled
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2006, 08:17:03 PM »
It's rather long isn't it!! lol!! I thought poems should only have about 4 stanzas max. otherwise their classed as tales? But what do i know, i'm just a humble nazi. lol

Harvey

May the Force be with you!

Offline Big T

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Re: Untitled
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2006, 02:46:14 AM »
Harvey,
I had a mental image of you making this proposal on stage ... where it would be appropriate to keep it a little longer than just "Will you or won't you?"
T
 :)
Big T  :o

Offline Amie

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Re: Untitled
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2006, 03:28:40 AM »
This is a really sweet idea, but some of the lines don't strike me as immediately romantic.  (unless you're both goths?  I guess that's possible.)

For example:
Quote
The woods of death were lovely, dark and deep

The woods of death?  Why death?  And why is death so lovely, when you're just about to propose?


Quote
I have hers but I don't know who's it is.
Hearts all look the same.

hmmmm.


Quote
When I'll be with her,
I shall not see the monster-shadows form.
I shall not feel the rain drench me to the bone.
I shall not hear anyone's cry of pain.

No real quibble with this, but I'd take out "to the bone" (breaks the rhythm IMO)


Quote
With my heart pumping in her hand,
She'll never let go,
Never let go.

She sound like Hannibal Lecter now.


Quote
Where I'll drive all those lovers and cry;

kinky.  Did you perhaps mean "drive away" rather than "drive"?  :)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline tinted

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Re: Untitled
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2006, 05:25:52 AM »
Yep, we're both goths. She likes the whole 'dark gothic love' thing. :)

Offline BowCaster_20

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Re: Untitled
« Reply #6 on: September 01, 2006, 04:36:56 PM »
Lol! Goths! wicked! some of my friends are are goths and one of them had a pagan wedding wich was ace. it kind of sounds like your talking to a woman though?

Big T sorry i don't understand your coment

BTW, looked on internet and found some long poems, so im learning now!  :D

Harvey.
May the Force be with you!

Offline Big T

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Re: Untitled
« Reply #7 on: September 02, 2006, 12:54:33 AM »
Harvey,
I was trying to get across my mental picture of you kneeling on stage to deliver your proposal. In that event you need to keep it long.
T
Big T  :o

Offline Wantabe

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Re: Untitled
« Reply #8 on: September 02, 2006, 02:19:12 AM »
I agree with Saturnine and would only add that I think you have a great start, but perhaps you could tweak it so it flows better.  Your poem is to paint a story for the mind.  It's easier for the mind to follow the story if it flows.

Unless your trying to make think peice which is much more intricate in nature.  The Goth thing is cool. 8)