Author Topic: A 250 word Short Story  (Read 41306 times)

Offline Dawn

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #15 on: June 26, 2012, 04:53:57 PM »
Sorry just realised. Is this for the Flash Comp on here? If not I wouldn't use It was a dark stormy night. :o
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #16 on: June 26, 2012, 04:59:28 PM »
If it's a dark and stormy night wouldn't the clouds obscure any moonlight -- never mind #bright# light?

Offline Laura H

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #17 on: June 26, 2012, 05:19:21 PM »
Sorry just realised. Is this for the Flash Comp on here? If not I wouldn't use It was a dark stormy night. :o

Unfortunately, any stories posted for review can't be entered - it wouldn't be anonymous  ;)
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

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hillwalker3000

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #18 on: June 26, 2012, 05:19:49 PM »
Hmm.

Keep this up and it will be a one sentence story. A tweet maybe where you're
only allowed 140 characters (that's characters - not words).

The opening sentence is a bit like a line of poetry - 'hidden was the bright moon's light' -
that's as back-to-front a line as you can get.

And what that has to do with what follows is anybody's guess.
I know you're tailoring this for the flash fiction competition so
you're stuck with the opening phrase.
But how is the reader supposed to make any connection
between a moonlit night and a conversation in a mental ward?

The rest isn't really that bad - until we have another abrupt leap to the morning after -
'in the light of a full moon'- ?? - when the nurse finds Maggie in a blood-soaked room.
I can accept that she's either harmed herself or the demons are real.

But what's 'She found a smiling that was me.' supposed to mean?

It might be a good idea if you read through what you post before pressing the 'Post' button.

H3K

Offline Dawn

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #19 on: June 26, 2012, 05:30:15 PM »
I still feel like your trying too hard and it's not coming out the way you want it to. I kind of get what your trying to say but it's falling at the first hurdle. Why not have a read of Stephen King's On Writing. It is a very good book which talks about writing in depth. It's a very good read.
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Offline Margarett

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #20 on: June 27, 2012, 01:26:01 AM »
Here it is said that all the loonies let loose when the Moon is full. The storm is meant to be inside Maggie. And it is your choice as to how she died.

Prey to a Full Moon
By: Margarett


It was on a dark and stormy night, hidden by the moon’s bright light.

“How you feeling, Maggie?” the nurse asked.

“Just fine,” I lied. How could I tell them about that darkness living inside my head?

He turned away, made a mark on a chart. The lights went out. He and the carts squeaking wheel continued to retreat. I lay watching ghostly shadows dance over my walls. And, once again I heard the shuffle of tiny feet. 

I prayed for this pain to end. Sharp and jagged teeth sank into my body again and again.

Before morning and in the light of a full moon a nurse came into a blood soaked room. She found a smiling corpse. It was me.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2012, 03:14:01 PM by Margarett »
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline Matt Walker

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #21 on: June 27, 2012, 04:12:56 AM »
It was on a dark and stormy night, hidden by the moon’s bright light. (Margarett, I understand this sentence is something to do with a flash fiction competition, but just to point out that 'It was a dark and stormy night' is the epitome of cliche. Normally you'd use anything but that, unless you're doing it satirically.)

“How you feeling, Maggie?” the nurse asked. (this is where your story starts)

“Just fine,” I lied. How did could I tell them about that darkness living inside my head?

He turned away, made a mark on a chart. The lights went out. He and the cart's squeaking wheel continued to retreat. I lay watching ghostly shadows dance over my walls. And, once again I heard the shuffle of tiny feet.  

I prayed for this pain to end as sharp and jagged teeth sank into my body again and again.

Near morning and in the light of a full moon a nurse came into a blood-soaked room. She found a smiling corpse that was me.

Interesting ending, although I have no idea how she died. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not! You write in Maggie's POV, which means in the last sentence Maggie is describing how she died. I think I quite like that. I think it may be a bit more effective if you separate it into two sentences maybe:

She found a smiling corpse. It was me.

JMO
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hillwalker3000

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #22 on: June 27, 2012, 05:56:04 AM »
Hi M - yes, apart from the opening sentence which tells us something
is hidden, but not what, this is much better.
Not sure about the full moon still lighting the room in the morning
but that's a minor quibble.

H3K

Offline Margarett

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #23 on: June 27, 2012, 03:20:13 PM »
OK. So tell me now is it complete story; With a beginning, a middle and an end. It is well under the 200 word limit that you guys set for me.

So how did I do?

I wanted the ending take away to be that in an empty locked room.. Maggie must had tried to eat herself till death to stop her pain.. hope that was at least one of your thoughts about how she died.

Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline Dawn

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #24 on: June 27, 2012, 03:53:53 PM »
Much better Margaret. If I'm honest, not sure why you have left hidden by the moon in? Hillwalker has mentioned it doesn't really make sense. Okay and I still think you can cut this further. Go on I dare you. ;)
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #25 on: June 27, 2012, 03:57:03 PM »
With the reference to the shuffle of tiny feet, I thought some weirdy moon-mad creature had managed to get into the room to eat her -- hadn't thought she was gnawing on herself.

hillwalker3000

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #26 on: June 27, 2012, 05:57:53 PM »
It's got a beginning, a middle and an end.
But you need to weave the 3 together - and if I'm honest
I think that's where you're still misfiring.
There's nothing here that links the 3 separate parts together
into a cohesive story.

You've got the skeleton of a plot
but you're not making it clear to the readers.
How were we supposed to guess that Maggie
was gnawing at her own body?

Without some hint - about the taste of blood in her mouth perhaps -
how do you expect anyone to jump to that conclusion?

H3K


Offline Margarett

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #27 on: June 28, 2012, 09:01:44 AM »
“How you feeling, Maggie?” the nurse asked.

“Just fine,” I lied. How could I tell them about the darkness living inside my head?

He turned away, made a mark on a chart. The lights went out. He and the cart's squeaking wheel continued to retreat. I lay watching ghostly shadows dance over my walls. I heard that voice and the shuffle of it's ghostly feet. 

I had prayed for this pain to end. I took a warm drink as sharp teeth opened up my already scared skin

And by the light of a full moon, the nurse found a smiling corpse. It was me.
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline Dawn

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #28 on: June 28, 2012, 09:16:31 AM »
This is getting much better Margaret. I have tweaked to see if it could be tightened. Ignore if you like. Just me playing. ;)


“How you feeling, Maggie?” the nurse asked.

Just fine,” I lied. How could I tell them about the darkness living inside my head?

Making a mark on his chart he retreated. His cart squeaking/screaching down the corridor. The lights went out. Casting ghostly shadows over my walls.

Praying for the pain to end. I sank my teeth into my skin. Hmmm . . . good.

A smiling corpse greeted the nurse next morning.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2012, 09:18:04 AM by alfiemama »
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Offline Matt Walker

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Re: A 250 word Short Story
« Reply #29 on: June 28, 2012, 10:39:24 AM »
Improving all the time. But:

'I took a warm drink as sharp teeth opened up my already scared skin.'

How could they be her own teeth, then? How could she be gnawing on herself if she's in the middle of drinking?
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