Author Topic: Get home alive script (my first script) Revised please read  (Read 5226 times)

Offline WolfeHunter15

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
Scene one

GET OUT ALIVE MOVIE SCRIPT

*Camera pans left to right showing a empty apartment complex with 2 snipers in it*

*Sniper to scouter* "Do you have eyes on the target?".

*Scouter* "Nothing right now just looking...I will tell you if I see anything".

*Sniper* "Got it".

*Scouter* "I have eyes on the target".

*Sniper* "Copy that, tell me the length,wind speed and humidity".

*Scouter* "Copy, range is 1 mile long wind is 15 out of the west and humidity is 20%".

*Sniper* "Copy".

*Scouter* "Do you have the target in your sights?".

*Sniper* "Target is in my sights".

*Scouter* "Copy...send it".

After a few seconds the bullet contacts the target right above the heart.

*Scouter* "You just contacted the target right above the heart".

SCENE TWO

*Sniper* "Perfect now lets get out of her before they start looking for us"

Right at that moment enemy found out where they where and started firing mortars and machine gun fire towards them.

*Scouter* "Damn, they found us lets start heading out".

*Sniper* "Agreed radio in base control and tell them we need a evac".

*Scouter to base control* "This is scouter to base control we need a evac the enemy has found us and we are under fire we need a evac now!".

*Base control to scouter* "This is base control to scouter no can do right now we cant land in that hostile territory make your way to the evac 40 miles from your position we will get you there".

*Sniper* "Well whats the news?".

*Scouter* "They said we have to move to a evac 40 miles from here".

*Sniper* "Damn it, well I guess we should start heading out, lets go".

*Scouter* "Got it".

As they are moving towards the evac on of the mortars hits the side of the apartment building sending shrapnel into the scouters leg.

*Scouter* "Fuck! my leg I have shrapnel everywhere in it I can barley move it".

*Sniper* "Okay then, its going to make my job a lot harder but I'm going to carry you, are you alright with that?".

*Scouter* "Yeah I'm alright with that just get me out of here".

*Sniper* "Got it".

The sniper then starts to carry him out of the building towards the evac.

Once they are outside the sniper gets on the ground while carrying the scouter trying to keep a low profile because there are helicopters circling the air looking for them while a small man group is hunting them down.

*Sniper* "How are you doing?".

*Scouter* "Not so good".

*Sniper* Alright, well we are going to get through this alright?".

*Scouter* "Okay".

*Sniper* "You see up ahead, well that is a tunnel that heads to a small town not far from here we can hide in there and start heading that way".

*Scouter* "Okay".

They then reach the tunnel and start their way to the village.

*Sniper* "Okay we are at the village, its pretty dark out so we will be able to sneak into one of those barns".

They get into one of the barns and hide by a bale of hay.

*Scouter* "Are we almost ther-"

*Sniper* "Shhhh I hear commotion going on outside, let me go take a look".

The sniper goes to take a look and he sees a small milita talking to villagers asking about the sniper and scouter.

*Solider 1* "Where are the snipers!"

*Villager* "I don't know what you are talking about it was pitch dark this morning I did not see a thing".

*Solider 1* "We are going to send people to look for the snipers I want two people at each barn and house, NOW GO!".

Soliders 2 and 3 go look into the barn, then the sniper grabs one of them as they brake off and pulls him into a bale of hay and kills him and switches his ghillie suit with his Solider outfit and starts heading for the second solider and starts speaking in russian telling him the barn is cleared out, then as the second solider is turining to head out the sniper grabs him and chokes him to death and switches his outfit with the scouters.

*Sniper* "We might of found something in there go check it out I had to carry this guy out because he fell from the second story because he scared by a rat ha."

*Solider 1* "Alright you go put him down and then come into the barn with us okay".

*Sniper* "Got it".

He starts to put him down while the other men start going into the barn...after a few seconds the men start swearing and running out of the barn. The sniper then starts heading for the soliders car and puts the scouter in it then he starts heading for the drivers seat. The Soliders see it and they start running at the sniper but the sniper starts the car and starts heading for the evac.

*Solider 1* "Shoot the tires! Dont let him get away!".

*Sniper* "Okay now lets get out of here".

As they are driving away on of the soldiers shot one of the back tires and the sniper is trying to gain control of the car, then the soliders jump in the cars and get side by side of the snipers car, then out of no where 2 U.S. helicopters come out of the blue andtake out the two cars, while that is happening a C-130 comes and drops its back hatch and then the sniper rides right into it.

*Sniper to Scouter* "You're going to make it home I promise..."

Right at that moment the enemy fires two SMAWS at the plane.

*C-130 pilot* "Fire the flares before it hits us!"

They then fire the flares and deflects one of the SMAWS rockets.

*C-130 pilot* "Shit! we have another on coming at us and we are out of flares, get ready for contact!".

The rocket hits the left side of the plane on the wing and tears of half of it.

*C-130 pilot* "We are going down MAYDAY MAYDAY we need help we are near the russian border MAYDAY MAYDAY".

The plane lands in a small lake tearing up all of the front of the plane flooding the plane with water.

*Sniper* "Come on we need to get out of here this plane is going to flood and go down any minute".

They get out of the plane at start trying to swim to the shore to get out of Russia.

*Sniper* "Okay we are not that far from the allies military base I'm going to radio them in got it?"

*Scouter* "Got it".

*Sniper to military base* "Help we are stuck in hostile territory our plane crashed and we have a man who cant move".

*Military base to sniper* "We hear you, just tell us your coordinates and we will come get you".

*Sniper to military base* "Our coorinates are X:1469.56 and Y is 543.847".

*Military base to sniper* "Okay we got your coordinates and are coming to get you hold on there".

*Sniper to base control* "Thank you".


                     THE END.
« Last Edit: May 21, 2012, 11:12:17 AM by WolfeHunter15 »

Offline thatollie

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1443
Re: GET HOME ALIVE SCRIPT
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2012, 02:37:19 PM »
For the love of Zeus, please format this piece.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2012, 02:41:04 PM by thatollie »
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline Dawn

  • Dawn
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9106
  • 'Kinky boobs? Really, well I never.'
Re: GET HOME ALIVE SCRIPT
« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2012, 02:39:50 PM »
OMG.
 ;D@Thatollie

 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline thatollie

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1443
Re: Get home alive script
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2012, 02:41:31 PM »
OMG.
 ;D@Thatollie

 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

Yeah, I know. I misspelt Zeus. I've corrected it.
Never make a decision standing up.

Offline ma100

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 30526
  • I don't need kinky boots, nothing will beat me.
Re: Get home alive script
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2012, 02:44:23 PM »
Hi Wolfe Hunter,

Good to meet you. How about stopping off at the welcome board to introduce yourself. :)

At the moment I don't think you will find anyone to review your script in it's current format. Celtx has a great free script writing programme ;).

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

  • http://www.writestreet.com/writestree
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 31219
  • Hello from Texas
    • Alice's Hide Away
Re: Get home alive script
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2012, 02:57:35 PM »
Also, you can click Modify at the upper right hand corner of your post and it will allow you to make changes to what you currently have.

Break it into scenes, leave some white space to allow for easier reading online and when you've finished, click Save.
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Get home alive script
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2012, 06:22:27 PM »
As the others say, get it laid out properly and you stand a better chance of it being looked at.

In the meantime, something to think about.

"DAMN it!, THEY ARE SHOOTING TOWARDS US WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW OR RISKED GETTING KILLED!"

Nobody talks like this when they're being shot at.  What you are doing here is over-explaining an obvious situation through dialogue.

"Damn.  They've spotted us.  Let's go."  This sounds more realistic.

Put yourself in the place of the sniper and his scout and think about what they are really likely to say.

Gyppo
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline WolfeHunter15

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
Re: Get home alive script
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2012, 06:25:01 PM »
@Gyppo thanks is there anything else I should fix because this is my first script?

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: Get home alive script
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2012, 06:30:52 PM »
I didn't read it all because of the layout.  I have old and tired eyes.  That bit just jumped out at me.  You have other places where you make similar mistakes, and a lot of unnecessary repetitions.

Why 'Army man'?  Soldier is a single word that does the job. 

You have a lot of work to do, but your enthusiasm shows.

I'm not a scriptwriter, but there are several on here who may help you far more than I could if you find out the standard script layout and use it.

All the best,

Gyppo

My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Dawn

  • Dawn
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9106
  • 'Kinky boobs? Really, well I never.'
Why not try Celtx? It is a free programme and really helps with formatting.
You just follow what it says. Unfortunately it is still quite hard to read the way you have laid it out.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Wolfehunter,

Please don't take any of the following as condescending or putting you down.  It's intended to help.

I'm no scriptwriter, so the direct help I can give is seriously limited.  But several people on here who are, or want to be, have praised Celtx.  Which is free.

May I suggest you download and install the programme and spend some time getting to grips with it, and then re-write your script using CeltX.

Rewriting almost anything will improve it because you'll see it again through 'fresh eyes'.  Writing it in a recognised format, helped by the programme, will help you spot the strengths and weaknesses.  many of which are probably caused simply by you being new to this whole business.

All early work, scripts, novels, shorts, whatever can best be seen as apprentice work, during which you learn for yourself - with advice and research here and there - what works and what doesn't.

You can probably get a good book or books on scriptwriting from your local library, which will save you spending a fortune if you don't have a lot of spare money.  If you don't belong to the library, you really should.  All writers should.  Many writers have had the magical "Ah ha, so that's how it works!" moment when studying borrowed 'How-To' manuals from the library service.

Maybe some of the scriptwriters on here could suggest a good entry level book, or an on-line source of free and helpful tutorials.  Over to you, script hounds ;-)

Here's the link to the Celtx download page.

http://download.cnet.com/Celtx/3000-13631_4-10850080.html

Best wishes,

Gyppo

« Last Edit: April 19, 2012, 05:36:29 AM by Gyppo »
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline midnight candle

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3750
  • just checking in
Wolfehunter,

Please don't take any of the following as condescending or putting you down.  It's intended to help.

I'm no scriptwriter, so the direct help I can give is seriously limited.  But several people on here who are, or want to be, have praised Celtx.  Which is free.

May I suggest you download and install the programme and spend some time getting to grips with it, and then re-write your script using CeltX.

Rewriting almost anything will improve it because you'll see it again through 'fresh eyes'.  Writing it in a recognised format, helped by the programme, will help you spot the strengths and weaknesses.  many of which are probably caused simply by you being new to this whole business.

All early work, scripts, novels, shorts, whatever can best be seen as apprentice work, during which you learn for yourself - with advice and research here and there - what works and what doesn't.

You can probably get a good book or books on scriptwriting from your local library, which will save you spending a fortune if you don't have a lot of spare money.  If you don't belong to the library, you really should.  All writers should.  Many writers have had the magical "Ah ha, so that's how it works!" moment when studying borrowed 'How-To' manuals from the library service.

Maybe some of the scriptwriters on here could suggest a good entry level book, or an on-line source of free and helpful tutorials.  Over to you, script hounds ;-)

Here's the link to the Celtx download page.

http://download.cnet.com/Celtx/3000-13631_4-10850080.html

Best wishes,

Gyppo



Agreed. Dave Trottier's 'The Screenwriter's Bible' and Gotham Writers' Workshop's 'Writing Movies' will help you loads.

Offline 6Studios

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 9
Re: Get home alive script (my first script) Revised please read
« Reply #12 on: July 17, 2012, 09:58:42 PM »
As other have said, the main problem I see with this script is the dialog. its very "thought out"  it doesn't sound natural.

one thing that might help is. what is the premise of this script. Who are the scouter and sniper. are they friends, joined the military together. they are new to each other and both their original partners died? that will help alot.