Author Topic: Part of play called Mafia pay back (strong language)  (Read 2426 times)

Offline 30036932

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Part of play called Mafia pay back (strong language)
« on: May 20, 2012, 02:26:22 PM »
ROUND AND ROUND WHEN WILL IT END

(After the car went over the cliff it rolled over a couple of times and landed upside down.
The police, firefighters and the ambulance arrived. The firefighters had to use the jaws of life to free Tony.)

FIREFIGHTER:Are you all right?(He asked Tony)

TONY: I think I have some broken ribs and a couple of cuts, but other wise I think I'm all right.

FIREFIGHTER: What happen?

TONY: I just blacked out for a moment then next thing I knew I'm in this wreck.

FIREFIGHTER: Let's take you to Mercy Hospital to get you taken care of.

TONY: Sounds good.

(Before they took off for the hospital the policeman took his statement on what happened. Tony kind a sense that the police had any clue that he killed anyone. Tony finally arrived at the hospital by ambulance and the doctor looked him over and suggested he stay in the hospital for a couple of days. The doctor took tests and they came to the conclusion that he had a concussion and they wanted to make sure he was all right.)

Tony: Said to him self this feels very creepy I just killed some one here a couple of weeks ago.

(It was about six o clock at night and visiting hours was going to end in about a half an hour when a strange man walked in the room.)

TONY: You must have the wrong room sir.

VITO: Are you Tony?

TONY: Yes who are you ? And what do you want?

VITO: My name is Vito Catanzaro and I guess you know why I'm here.

TONY:Vito Catanzaro what relation are you to Louis?

VITO: I'm Louis,s son.

TONY: Son ! This gets better day by day.

VITO: Yes his son I want to know why you killed my father.





TONY: I didn't kill your father. He hung himself in jail.

VITO: The only reason he was in jail was because you set his ass up.

TONY: That's not true at all.

VITO: My father told me how you killed all his friends and he warn me if anything happen to him it would be all on your neck.

TONY: Lets get something straight Vito these so call friends of his all was involved in my father;s death.

VITO: Know get this thru your thick skull he wasn't your father your father was my father and you killed him now what do you think I should do about this.

TONY: First of all there was no proof he was my father. I would not believe any thing my mother or any other ass hole that says shit about my real father.

VITO: Is that why you ran out of the nursing home and tried to to kill your self because you were all upset.

TONY: How do you know I was at the nursing home what are you following me?

VITO: I had a long talk with our mother she couldn't stop crying.

TONY: You talked to my mother?

VITO: If you are thinking she is my mother sorry wrong again. I've been following you since my father's death and she told me you ran off pissed.

TONY: What else did you want me to do,everyday there is a new story about my past and I can't tell who is telling me the truth so of coarse I'm pissed more then you can imagine.

VITO: You should have let the whole story rest but you just couldn't let it go.  

TONY: I couldn't I had to pay back the people for what they done for to my father.

VITO: And you shouldn't have to pay for the killings you did?

TONY: Once again there is no proof of the killings and no evidence.

VITO: But you forgot one thing.

TONY: And what is that?

VITO: I know all about the terror that you brought to the family.




TONY: You know shit!

VITO: I wouldn't bet against me

TONY: I would bet my whole life against you and any one that stands in my way.

VITO: Well lets see you killed our father, our friends,when is it all going to stop. I could go to the police and tell them everything,or you can keep on looking over your shoulder waiting for me to make my move on you.

TONY: Once again you have no proof of anything and it would be your word against mind,and secondly I'm not afraid of you or any one else.

VITO: Have it your way I will take the second option you can keep on looking over your shoulder day and night.

TONY: Get the hell out of here!

VITO: (In a laughing voice) So long Tony till we meet again.


Edit: Added language warning: Sticky: Please read this first. (Item b) ;)
« Last Edit: May 21, 2012, 01:54:32 PM by Maimi »

Offline Maimi

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Re: Part of play called Mafia pay back
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2012, 01:45:21 PM »
Hello Tony,

I'm unfamiliar with plays. Is placing the information you have between parenthesis common? Or are you summarizing what's happened for us to consider when reading the dialogue?

Quote
TONY: How do you know I was at the nursing home what are you following me?
I stumbled over some lines, such as the one above, because of punctuation. It reads as if there should be another question mark after home and what.

TONY: How do you know I was at the nursing home? What? Are you following me?

Quote
FIREFIGHTER:Are you all right?(He asked Tony)

TONY: I think I have some broken ribs and a couple of cuts, but other wise I think I'm all right.

FIREFIGHTER: What happen?

TONY: I just blacked out for a moment then next thing I knew I'm in this wreck.

FIREFIGHTER: Let's take you to Mercy Hospital to get you taken care of.

TONY: Sounds good.
This might depend on how many ribs are broken, but--unfortunately--I can confirm that with nine breathing is uncomfortable and talking isn't the most pleasant experience. Answers are short to keep from having to breathe so often. Ignore me if a lengthy reply under such circumstances is common practice in plays.

Quote
VITO: Yes his son I want to know why you killed my father.

TONY: I didn't kill your father. He hung himself in jail.

VITO: The only reason he was in jail was because you set his ass up.

TONY: That's not true at all.
With the language Tony uses elsewhere, and considering the accusation, "That's not true at all" seems mild for him.

Try reading your dialogue out loud to find missing punctuation and hear where exchanges might benefit from some tweaking. It's amazing what our eyes miss and our ears catch. :)
« Last Edit: May 21, 2012, 02:09:22 PM by Maimi »

Offline seanryan

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Re: Part of play called Mafia pay back (strong language)
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2012, 05:24:07 PM »
FIREFIGHTER:Are you all right?(He asked Tony)

TONY: I think I have some broken ribs and a couple of cuts, but other wise I think I'm all right.

FIREFIGHTER: What happen?

TONY: I just blacked out for a moment then next thing I knew I'm in this wreck.

FIREFIGHTER: Let's take you to Mercy Hospital to get you taken care of.

TONY: Sounds good.



I found this section a little awkward when reading it. It didn't really ring true.
I wouldn't expect a firefighter (who would offer initial medial treatment in this situation) to ask "are you all right?"
The question seems a little redundant considering the car has just crashed. Wouldn't the firefighter try to go ahead
and diagnose the injured person him / herself before moving them?
Asking "What happened" again, feels a little redundant since it's quite obvious what has happened.

Nothing wrong here as such, but as I said.. it just doesn't ring true to me as a conversational piece in this situation.