Author Topic: Untitled WIP  (Read 14437 times)

Offline Annmarie

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #60 on: April 02, 2012, 11:24:46 AM »
I like the newer version better as well, though some of the wording seems a little unclear at times. Does Daniel have only two fingers on one hand? Also, as a general screenwriting question, why describe a basically generic flower shop? Just the term "flower shop" evokes certain things in my mind. I don't know if Daryl would need more detailed description, such as:

"A sheen on the Blood Lilies and Stelitzia Regininae..."    instead of "A sheen on green leaves of exotic plants..."   But this is what I'd do in a novel. I have no idea if you need that kind of detail in a screenplay, though the ones I read that use it are wonderful.

In general, if I was watching this as a film, I'd be willing to follow a little longer until Daniel starts talking. The situation and what he says would be crucial to whether I kept watching. I don't need every film to be chatty, but I find it easier to care about people when I "eavesdrop" on them.

I'm sure by now you're pages further into the script, Daryl. I'm still reading.  :)

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Offline Dawn

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #61 on: April 03, 2012, 04:47:01 AM »
I agree Annmarie. I would think florist shop would enable the reader to use their imagination. A bit like when it was discussed on Skip's thread about description of a character.
We could do with Patron's imput me thinks. ;)
Time to take it serious and get the job done

TheRachaelFish

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #62 on: April 18, 2012, 06:27:10 AM »
I really do prefer the second version, it is more concise, and introduces us to the story in an intriguing way.
I'm also following Patron's little tutorial with great interest... :)

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #63 on: April 18, 2012, 07:05:53 AM »
Thanks for joining in Rachael - there will be more to the discussion soon.