Author Topic: Short Story!  (Read 1730 times)

Offline TP

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Short Story!
« on: February 01, 2006, 04:07:16 AM »
Hi
This is the first piece of work I have done, and would very much like your comments.  I have written this as part of a course that I am doing, so please be honest (I know you will!):


The Grass Isnít Greener

     He let me down again; I canít believe this is happening.  When will he realise that this is it for us, its him and me together.   Yet I am the one who always feels that something is missing, he canít see it at all.  He thinks everythingís great, that we are having fun and enjoying ourselves, even though weíve said we love each other, as long as we are having fun that seems to be enough for him.  We just canít seem to get a balance where we are both happy.  Donít get me wrong, we have a great time together, and have been seeing each other for over a year now, canít be without each other really, so it helps that we work together, and although we try and keep our privacy, our feelings for each other canít be that well hidden.  Everyone knows weíre together, except sometimes it doesnít feel like it, work it very important to him, well, he is higher up the ladder than I am, and with a ten year age difference I want more from my personal life than my working one. 

     Is it me?  Am I expecting too much?  I just thought that a relationship should be about being together; wanting to be together and it shouldnít be hard.  A bit of commitment and acknowledgment wouldnít go a miss.  Damn, see now Iím going it over and over and working myself up, trying to make it right in my head.  Doesnít he see that he is hurting me, just dismissing Ďthe little thingsí as he calls them as nothing, even when I tell him Ė out loud Ė that this hurts my feelings, he says Iím too sensitive.  Am I?  He makes me feel like a kid trying to work out a maths problem, it suppose thatís the age difference, I still donít feel like a grown up.  I still go out with my mates, getting drunk and dancing the night away at the local club, to me thatís important.  Him, he goes for walks.  Little differences to me make us interesting; to him itís just something I donít appreciate like he does because Iím young.  Perhaps Iím am, I mean I do believe that being in love should be easy, some of my friends say you have to work at it, but what can be easier than two people in love?

     I leave the office alone then, leaving him there Ďjust sorting out a couple of bitsí, and he says Ďdonít worry, weíll have lunch tomorrowí.  As if that makes up for everything.  As I walk to the car park, I think Ďam I madí?  This just isnít worth it, I feel like this too often for this to be working out, as much as I love him, Iíve just got to try and let him go. 

I sit in my car for a bit, and then notice something.  Another car is coming into the car park, and I sit and I wait.  Whoever is driving parks a little way from me, they canít see me.  A woman driver gets out and opens the boot, and starts playing with a dog in the back, and I sit and I watch.  Heís walking to the car now, itís been twenty minutes since I left, and when he sees her, I can just about see him smile.  She is smiling back, and he pats the dog and kisses her on the lips, all the while I sit and watch and realise that my heart is breaking, although Iím not reacting, not crying, not moving.  They get in the car, he is driving now, and leave.  And I stay there, watching while the man I love goes home with his wife, I contemplate going home alone.

Offline Angeleyes

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Re: Short Story!
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2006, 05:09:06 AM »
Hiya TP. Great story. I was screaming' Dump him!' before I got to the end of the story. I have just started to write myself, so am no expert, but I did notice one thing.The sentence begining - Perhaps I'm am, I mean..( think i should be - Perhaps I am), mind you , if you're anything like me, it just a typing error, so I appologise in advance. :D. Like I said, I'm no expert. But I did enjoy reading it. Hope to read more soon.
                             Ann
May all your dreams come true.

Whether you think you can, or think you can't....you're right!
-Henry Ford.

Offline TP

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Re: Short Story!
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2006, 08:26:05 AM »
Thanks Ann, that's really appreciated.  Thanks for taking the time to read it and comment.  TP

Offline Gltagaman

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Re: Short Story!
« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2006, 04:29:52 PM »
 ;D Hi TP

I think that you express a good feeling for unrequited love in this piece. However there is very little descritive detail of the 'boss' and his 'employee'. Perhaps her feelings could be more emphasised in cheeks colouring and tears of frustration running down her face as she stifles her emotions. You could introduce an element of conflict by having the 'boss' s wife ask him ' Who'se the girl crying in the carpark?' and his reactions the next day.

Good luck with the course.

Geoff
Have Thinkpad will write