Author Topic: Talon  (Read 3819 times)

Offline AdamMollon

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Talon
« on: April 11, 2012, 06:34:09 PM »
I've been looking for more scripts to try and review or give feedback on here, but there hasn't been any new ones up in a while.

In the meantime I'll throw up a little short I wrote the other day, 12 pages long. All feedback appreciated.

I'm posting the PDF link to it for online viewing. It's perfectly safe and I used a similar site for the last script I put up.

https://viewer.zoho.com/docs/tJdwf

I'll review or give feedback in another section soon to make sure i'm not being too selfish or greedy.


Patron

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Re: Talon
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2012, 12:47:16 AM »
Hello AdamMollon,

I want to respond to this.

I love the action and drama sequence. It starts out great, but I think you need to redevelop the man 1,2,3 thing. We need a bit  more  detail.

The second thing I  would suggest, is run it here on MWC. I myself have an excellent anti-virus program. That being said, I still have reservations at going outside of the lines to read ones prose. Your's is safe. That however, will not get you  results. You can easily post here on MWC.

I liked it. I would enjoy reading it with the changes I suggested. :)

Sincerely;


Patron

Offline bowmore bill

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Re: Talon
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2012, 03:06:27 PM »
Hi A M, I liked this and found it very interesting as I am currently trying my hand at script writing, I have never tried in the past, but have some shorts that i would like to script.
I have looked at some examples, but without human input they do nothing for the writing.
Good luck with yours.   

Offline Dawn

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Re: Talon
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2012, 06:51:09 AM »
This was really good Adam. I agree with Patron. I would like a little more detail (description) on the 3 men. Sorry I've nothing else constructive to say, just that I thought it worked well.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Talon
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2012, 06:56:06 AM »
I read this a few days ago. Patron beat me to it. I enjoyed the sequence too.

Daryl

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Talon
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2012, 07:21:00 AM »
Hi enjoyed that. Reminded me of an episode of Human Target when Christopher Chance has to protect a man who doesn't know about his wife's 'work'.

Offline brentogburn

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Re: Talon
« Reply #6 on: April 23, 2012, 10:44:59 AM »
Adam,

This is an interesting short. It reminds me a lot of the Bourne series with a surprising twist at the end. This is an interesting take on the secrets that we keep from others, including our loved ones, and how those secrets can lead to unfortunate and irreversible consequences. I love that you have the little twist at the end and the strength that Chloe's character reveals.

I agree with what the others say about the need for information about Man 1, 2, and 3. I think if you provided a little more backstory to these characters it would solve the issue that I have with your exposition through dialog. I also think that it would be beneficial for us to know a little bit about the previous two victims, for example, what line of work they were in and why they were killed. Keep in mind that film is a visual medium and a lot can be said without the use of dialog.

I feel like Chloe's character is underdeveloped as well, after all this is a story about her character. I think that you could give her a little more screen time without revealing she's the actual hitman these men are after.

A little technical note about format. When a character continues to speak across an action line, (CONT'D) should be added after the character's name to signify that the character is still speaking.


Page 3:

              MAN 1
      Donít move.

Edward freezes.

              MAN 1 (CONT'D)
     Put the briefcase down slowly, and
     when I say slowly, I mean as if
     their lives depends on it.

For screenwriting tips I use http://www.screenwriting.info/
It's a great quick reference when you have any questions regarding the correct format for screenplays.
Wonderful work. I look forward to reading more!

Brent

Offline AsteroidJuice

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Re: Talon
« Reply #7 on: April 28, 2012, 04:47:48 PM »
I've been reading scripts on here for quite a while (although I never made an account) and this is definitely one of the best ones I've read.  I can usually predict plot twists, but somehow, this one escaped me.  :D

Great job!

Offline 6Studios

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Re: Talon
« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2012, 12:37:06 AM »
Document doesnt exist! oh noes! can you please re upload it or post it on here.