Adam,
This is an interesting short. It reminds me a lot of the Bourne series with a surprising twist at the end. This is an interesting take on the secrets that we keep from others, including our loved ones, and how those secrets can lead to unfortunate and irreversible consequences. I love that you have the little twist at the end and the strength that Chloe's character reveals.
I agree with what the others say about the need for information about Man 1, 2, and 3. I think if you provided a little more backstory to these characters it would solve the issue that I have with your exposition through dialog. I also think that it would be beneficial for us to know a little bit about the previous two victims, for example, what line of work they were in and why they were killed. Keep in mind that film is a visual medium and a lot can be said without the use of dialog.
I feel like Chloe's character is underdeveloped as well, after all this is a story about her character. I think that you could give her a little more screen time without revealing she's the actual hitman these men are after.
A little technical note about format. When a character continues to speak across an action line, (CONT'D) should be added after the character's name to signify that the character is still speaking.
Page 3:
MAN 1
Don’t move.
Edward freezes.
MAN 1
(CONT'D) Put the briefcase down slowly, and
when I say slowly, I mean as if
their lives depends on it.
For screenwriting tips I use
http://www.screenwriting.info/It's a great quick reference when you have any questions regarding the correct format for screenplays.
Wonderful work. I look forward to reading more!
Brent
