When Mr. Mirtis Comes Calling - Short Script - 26 pages

[AdamMollon]

Hi Patron,

Well, if I'm honest, I never gave much thought to the market I was writing for. The reason being that when I wrote this, I thought the only person who would read or see it would be the guy who'd decide whether or not to let me into university (I'm trying to put together a small portfolio of written shorts to get into film school in May).

Now I've found this forum and I'm letting more people read it. I guess I should be thinking about the audience before I write anything.

[Paris Texas]

It's a shame people are so paranoid about downloading pdf scripts - pdfs are pretty safe. For everybody's info I have downloaded it and its perfectly safe - will get back with some feedback soon.

[Paris Texas]

I like this so far (page 5) - dialogue is pretty good - captured my attention.

DAYTIME - DAY

SIMON / JESSICA - put surname in original action description.

Didn't like the door opens / closes bit.

Simon rolls over, pulling the covers, closes his eyes. (Instant sleep?)

How does he see someone at the door?

Timing - dressing, Simon is back like Superman.

Again - two second coffee?

[Paris Texas]

Also:

SIMON
(cuddling up)
Take the day off, and we''ll spend the day in bed.

...

Tempting... but no ... we can't.

...

Love you too. See ya!

[Paris Texas]

This is brilliant! I loved it!

Just a few more suggestions.

Page 5 - The house sale - Mr Mirtis knows about the pancakes - why doesn't he know about the house sale? Rewrite this bit.

Page 7 - Dials - leave out "999" on both phones.

- Joke - if you'd like to hear it? - I think repeat is the wrong word.

Page 10 - You're... Death? (capitalize the D in a couple of bits of dialogue.

Page 11 - When it's so morbid?

Page 12 - I always need a list when I go to the supermarket.

Page 14 - ... big G's name more than a few times. ( He uses "fuck" a lot, so he probably has "blasphemed" many times as well.

Page 15 - Brilliant!

Page 16 - Rewrite the defecation bit (to something else) - I don't think it says what you're trying to say.

Page 19 - This is better re the coffee.
Simon looks back towards the living room. He looks to the backdoor. He moves silently, and tries the door handle. Locked. He looks towards the hallway.

MR MIRTIS (O.C)
You won't get out the front door either.

Page 21- molecular structure? Build up doesn't work for me.

No, you won't feel a thing. Well, maybe just a little discomfort...

Page 23 - (pointing)

Page 24 -

MR MIRTIS
... roughly one hundred and fifty thousand people die each day Simon.

SIMON
So you have helpers then?

MR MIRTIS

You lot mainly. Drugs, alcohol, fast cars, and viagra all help, but yes, I'm pretty busy, seven days a week - no rest for the wicked eh? But I love my job... If I ever find out who came up with Grim Reaper...

....

SIMON

...It's not fair...

MR MIRTIS

Nothings fair Simon. But we've done all the paperwork now. Just relax, forget about it. Go... get your shopping, and go home and enjoy your pancakes. This will all be over before you know it.

Mr Mirtis breaks into song and dance - to the tune "Hakuna Matata" from the Lion King.

MR MIRTIS

"It means no worries for the rest of your days...."

SIMON

...No worries?

MR MIRTIS

... "Hakuna Matata!"



I LOVE IT! GREAT WRITING!

EDIT: Just one thing I forgot - IMO - you need to go through and change a few commas to full stops. Break the sentences up into natural action breaks.

A few bits need to be dropped down to the next 2 line paragraph (just like I've done here) re they are separate action, and need to be spaced slightly for good timing.

[Paris Texas]

Also - the last scene, with two men running "in Mr Mirtis' direction" needs a slight rewrite.

And I thought Mr Mirtis just disappearing was a bit of an anticlimax - but this does work as a sort of serene, soft ending.

For a more comedic ending, I thought you could have something like Santa's sleigh, with reindeer etc. coming down (unseen by others of course), and Mr Mirtis, (in a hurry) as he climbs aboard, saying something like:


MR MIRTIS (to camera)

He gives me a good deal... Well he does only use it once a year!

Mr Mirtis settles into his seat and picks up a long whip.

MR MIRTIS
(Sighing, resigned)
Some of us have to work for a living! Retirement they said!

Mr Mirtis cracks the whip at the reindeer.

MR MIRTIS

Bill Clinton's place... Boy, this is going to be a long day!....

[AdamMollon]

Thanks for the feedback Paris, really appreciate it. I'll go over it and make some changes tonight.

What do you think about perhaps changing the ending to something more serious? Maybe something that is a bit stronger and has more of a succinct message throughout the whole story, if I can rewrite it that way?

I thought about changing it so at some point Simon would mention the shop down the road gets robbed at least once a month. Then at the end Mr. Mirtis would give Simon an extension of life, by a few years or something, maybe gives him a bit of a reprieve in some way. I'd then have Simon go into the shop to get the flour and eggs and it's robbed. He's stabbed and killed in the process. Thought it might make the point that even death (nature) can't save us from ourselves, and that if we can accept that our time's up and go peacefully, perhaps it's better than if we were to live a little longer?

I haven't completely formulated that idea above, it's something I'm toying with though. I guess I should find the point I'm trying to make and then make it.

I don't think I'll have Santa's slay come down. But having a lighter, more comedic ending, is something I'll try write too, then compare them. (Although the Santa bit did make me laugh).

Thanks again.

[Paris Texas]

I couldn't resist this!

MR MIRTIS (to camera)

He gives me a good deal... Well he does only use it once a year!

Mr Mirtis settles into his seat and picks up a long whip.

MR MIRTIS
(Sighing, resigned)
Some of us have to work for a living! Retirement they said!
Oh well... I do get a few blowjobs.
(looks at camera)
What? .... There is a reason women live longer than men you know!

MR MIRTIS
(looking at his iPad)

Bill Clinton... Boy, this is going to be a long day!.... I hope Hillary's home!

Mr Mirtis pulls a cigar from his jacket, sniffs it, bites the end off, and sticks it in his mouth.He flicks a lighter and puffs smoke as it ignites. He winks at the camera, cigar protruding from a wicked smile, and cracks the whip at the reindeer.

The sleigh banks, and accelerates into the sky, and Mr Mirtis is ... gone!

JESSICA (V.O)

Thank you Mr Mirtis! Lazy sod just wanted to stay in bed all day!

HILLARY CLINTON (V.O)

Ah! Mr Mirtis... I see you got the cigars I sent you.

[Paris Texas]

Joking aside, you probably do need to play it straight down the middle, not too serious, not too funny, with maybe a subtle message.

Perhaps the two guys could call to Mr Mirtis to help, as they attend the fallen Simon (I seem to recall the BEAUTIFUL NEIGHBOUR could see him?), and next time they glance, he is gone.

I could easily see this as a 30 minute short - we don't get enough of them nowadays.