When Mr. Mirtis Comes Calling - Short Script - 26 pages

[AdamMollon]

Hi all, thought I'd post a few things about me before anyone begins to read this, just so people know where I'm coming from with this.  

My name's Adam (hence the username), I'm 22 and I'm from Scotland, which automatically gives me a very weird sense of humor that I've found doesn't always go over that well with people of other nationalities, mainly because it can be very crude and somewhat obscure from time to time.

This is the first short script I've written and completed. It isn't crude or offending at all, in my eyes, and it wasn't my intent to offend anyone religious. My main focus of this short script was to put a different spin concerning death.

It's 26 pages long, it's heavy on dialog (since it's a conversation between two people) and it's my first piece of work and the first time I've shown a group of people something I've written. I'm hoping I can get some really good, honest, constructive feedback. Hope you enjoy at least some part of it. (Apologies if the format isn't correct).

[AdamMollon]

http://pdfcast.org/pdf/when-mr-mirtis-comes-calling"

[AdamMollon]

I know posting links isn't advised and generally met with suspicion but I can assure you it's nothing sinister. I exceeded the 20,000 characters, which is why I've had to resort to this.

[Laura H]

Adam,

How about posting a portion (within the 1000 word limit) here to entice us? 

[AdamMollon]

Here's the first 1000 words, or so. Hope it entices.

int. BEDROOM - daytime

SIMON RESENAR (33) is in bed with his wife JESSICA RESENAR (29). The alarm clock shows 08:08. 

SIMON RESENAR

Take the day off and we'll spend it in bed.

JESSICA RESENAR

Tempting, but I need to go to work. Besides, the agency is sending someone today, so we couldn't.

SIMON RESENAR

So they are. How about we cancel? Get them to send someone  tomorrow? Then you can phone in sick.

Jessica gets out of bed and starts getting dressed.

JESSICA RESENAR

Still tempted, but no, I can't.

SIMON RESENAR

You're ruining the few days I have off.

JESSICA RESENAR

That's not fair.

SIMON RESENAR

You know I'm joking. I'm at my happiest when I'm with you, that's all.

JESSICA RESENAR

You're too cute sometimes.

SIMON RESENAR

I know.

JESSICA RESENAR

(She kisses him)

Love you.

SIMON RESENAR

Love you too.

Jessica walks out the room. Simon lays back down.

Jessica resenar (O.S)

Simon?

SIMON RESENAR

Changed your mind?

JESSICA RESENAR (O.S)

No, I'm wondering if you'll grab some more flour and eggs from the shop.

SIMON RESENAR

Sure, what for?

JESSICA RESENAR (O.S)

I'll make you my best batch of pancakes when I get back.

SIMON RESENAR

That's why I love you.

JESSICA RESENAR (O.S)

(Laughs)

Love you too.

The front door opens and shuts. Simon falls back asleep.

ext. resenar's house - daytime (later)

MR. MIRTIS, a slim, young looking man, walks to the Resenar's Front door.

He's wearing a suit, carrying an umbrella and a briefcase.

He looks very happy. He knocks three times on the door. No answer.

The BEAUTIFUL NEIGHBOR next door is leaving her house.

mr. Mirtis

Excuse me?

Beautiful Neighbor

Yes?

MR. MIRTIS

Can you help me? I'm wondering if Mr. Simon Resenar is home?

BEAUTIFUL NEIGHBOR

Should be. I saw his wife leave earlier, she was alone.

MR. MIRTIS

Thank you, have a nice day.

BEAUTIFUL NEIGHBOR

You're welcome.

The Beautiful Neighbor leaves. Mr. Mirtis knocks three times again. No answer. He opens the letter box and shouts through it.

MR. MIRTIS

Hello! Is anybody in there? I promise, I'm not a Jehovah Witness.

INT. BEDROOM - DAYTIME

Distant knocking and shouting is heard from the front door. Simon stirs and sees the alarm clock shows 10:30 and that there's someone at the door. He jumps out of bed.

EXT./int. RESENAR'S HOUSE - DAYTIME

Mr. Mirtis knocks on the door three times. This time the door opens. Simon is standing there in his dressing gown.

MR. MIRTIS

Good morning, I'm Mr. Mirtis.

SIMON RESENAR

Hi, yes, good morning, I'm Simon.

MR. MIRTIS

Excellent, I'm here to see you about--

SIMON RESENAR

Yes, please, come in.

MR. MIRTIS

Thank you.

Mr. Mirtis walks into Simon's house, the front door closes behind him without being touched. Simon doesn't see this.

INT. HALLWAY - DAYTIME

Simon walks towards the kitchen.

SIMON RESENAR

Would you like a cuppa?

MR. MIRTIS

That would be fantastic.

int. kitchen - daytime

Simon puts on the kettle and puts out two cups.

SIMON RESENAR

Would you mind if I just left you for a minute and got dressed?

MR. MIRTIS

Not a problem.

SIMON RESENAR

I'll just be a second.

Simon leaves the kitchen. Mr. Mirtis looks around, he still looks very happy. Simon rushes back fully clothed.

SIMON RESENAR

That's better. Tea or coffee?

MR. MIRTIS

Coffee please.

SIMON RESENAR

I can't believe I slept in like that. I'm really sorry I kept you waiting.

MR. MIRTIS

It's fine, I'm in no rush.

Simon makes them both a cup of coffee. He hands one to Mr. Mirtis.

SIMON RESENAR

Let's go sit in the living room.

MR. MIRTIS

After you.

Simon walks out first, followed by Mr. Mirtis.

int. living room - daytime

They both take seats opposite one another with a coffee table between them.

Mr. Mirtis puts his umbrella beside him and his briefcase on the table.

SIMON RESENAR

So, what do you think?

MR. MIRTIS

Of what?

SIMON RESENAR

The house, what do you think of the house?

MR. MIRTIS

It's nice, I suppose. Why?

SIMON RESENAR

I hope we can convince people it's a bit more than nice Mr. Mirtis.

MR. MIRTIS

What for?

SIMON RESENAR

To sell. That is your job after all.

MR. MIRTIS

No it's not.

SIMON RESENAR

Yes it is, you're an estate agent.

MR. MIRTIS

Who said that?

SIMON RESENAR

You did.

MR. MIRTIS

When?

SIMON RESENAR

Back when I answered the door you...I'm sorry, who are you?

MR. MIRTIS

I'm Mr. Mirtis.

SIMON RESENAR

And what are you doing here today?

MR. MIRTIS

I've come here to tell you, Simon Resenar, that by the end of the week you will be dead.

Mr. Mirtis smiles politely and hold eyes contact then sips his coffee. A few seconds of silence go by.

[510bhan]

Hi -- I'm just a reader.

Where is this set? If it's UK, real estate agent/agency doesn't work -- lose 'real', just estate agent/agency.

Some of the early dialogue could do with clipping to make more naturally sounding speech patterns IMO.

[AdamMollon]

I've spent a bit of time in America, only got back a few months ago. I guess I've picked up the way they speak a bit more than I thought I had. Thanks for spotting that.

[Laura H]

Nice little teaser, Adam  

Let me first qualify my feedback by saying that I have never written a script & don't know the script writing rules.

You've got a good story-line started - somewhat reminiscent of that old show Mulberry?  

Some of the dialogue seems a bit stiff to me.  

For example -

"That sounds very tempting but I need to go to work. Besides the real estate agency is sending someone today, so we couldn't."

Assuming the time line is contemporary, this seems. . .well, like lines from a script.  Perhaps Tempting, but you know I have to work.  And the agency is sending someone by today.

The couple's back and forth all seemed a bit stilted to me.  I just think it needs a little tweaking on the tone.  

Again - my unqualified opinion and we should probably take regional dialects into consideration.  Maybe this would be casual talk in Scotland.  I'm from the southern US.

Good start!

Laura

[AdamMollon]

Thanks 510bhan, thanks Laura. I've already started rewriting the beginning.

I just looked up Mulberry, never heard of it before, turns out it's actually quite like Mulberry in a way, especially the way Mr. Mirtis has a more "comical" side to him. I guess no idea is original these days.

Hopefully my ending will be slightly different though and the rest of it differs too. I'll modify my post and put in the amended version soon. I'll post when I've done so.

[Laura H]

Looking forward to your revision.  Most stories have been told, and retold, and told again - it's how you tell them that matters

[AdamMollon]

Modified the dialog between Simon and Jessica and between Mr. Mirtis and the Beautiful Neighbor a bit. Hope it's a little more natural. I had it spoken aloud by a couple of people. They're Scottish too and it fits the pattern of their speech and the rhythm of their voices. Hope it reads a bit more naturally too. I left most of the conversation between Mr. Mirtis and Simon the same. I felt it was supposed to feel a little awkward for Simon but quite normal for Mr. Mirtis and read like that too.

[Laura H]

I like the changes.  Parts of it are even charming 

[510bhan]

Yep.

Re read it and now I'm wondering about the set-up. Youngish couple, he's on hols, she's not. Let's stay in bed, can't agency person coming. Cancel? Nah, . . . and she appears to be softening to the idea but instead is thinking about the flour and eggs she'll need to make him a batch of pancakes when she gets back from work.

Not a very strong premise for leaving him alone in the house [or do the pancakes play an important role later?] so why include it -- just weakens the piece. Might be better if she suggests she'll pick up a bottle of wine on the way home, to make the evening meal special and perhaps they could have an early night if he has dinner ready for her when she comes in. JMO

[AdamMollon]

The pancakes become relevant at the end  I guess I also added them in because I only ever make pancakes in the morning for the girls I really like since it's the only thing I can cook flawlessly I suppose the correlation between sex and pancakes for breakfast makes more sense to me since it's "my thing". She's making pancakes cause it's "their thing".

But yes, they become relevant at the end, though they could be changed to something else that makes more sense. I'll toy with it and maybe change it to something that makes more sense to everyone.

[Patron]

Hello AdamMollon;

Laura is right on. As I read this, I would follow with something that is very important to me, as far as good and proper advice goes.

We need to know where you are going with this. In that, I mean, your market. Big screen, or a local theatre production.

The rules of screenplay are similar in most respects but change drastically depending on your sales or screening venue. It makes a big difference.

Sincerely:

Patron