Author Topic: My first script. updated thread 50  (Read 16178 times)

Offline midnight candle

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #45 on: March 16, 2012, 01:14:25 AM »
Actually I was quite impressed by your writing - decided to take down my negative post. This should be a friendly place.
Actually I was quite impressed by your writing - decided to take down my negative post. This should be a friendly place.

My wrong then - sorry. :)

Offline Maimi

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #46 on: March 16, 2012, 11:52:52 AM »
Parentheticals:
-Go between a characterís name (dialogue cue) and dialogue:

JESS
(parenthetical)
Jessís dialogue.

-Donít rely on them so much.
-Use them if your dialogueís meaning isnít clear.
-Donít use them if your dialogueís meaning is clear. For example,

JESS
(relieved)
Thank goodness. I thought I was a goner.

-Ease up on putting action in them (although you see it in some scripts, instruction Iíve read in guides and Ďdo and don'tí books advise against it for those trying to break into the industry).

-No starting with a capital letter or ending with a period. Parentheticals are not sentences:

Quote
MATT

Oh nowt, forget it (Matt gets up and walks to the water cooler, takes a cup but ends up with about 10 from the holder, annoyed he tries to put them back, he struggles with the holder and ends up giving up.
MATT

Oh nowt, forget it.

Matt gets up and walks to the water cooler ...

Quote
She rushes up to a table were a woman, attractive, blonde hair Mid 30ís is sat looking through a menu glancing at her watch.

JESS

Vonnie, Iím so sorry, my 11.30am was late
Since the attractive woman at the table is Vonnie, and for clarity, introduce Vonnie in the narrative description as VONNIE, instead of a woman ... and waiting until Jessís dialogue to let us know who the woman is.

Character Introductions (spec script): Read scripts and notice how a characterís personality is included. Good Will Hunting comes to mind. Scroll down the first page to ďThe guy holding court ...Ē for a better example than I can come up with.

Watch about repeating information or telling whatís already known (this one, unfortunately, is so easy to not realize you're doing it when writing).
Quote
... to a table were a woman ... is sat looking through a menu glancing at her watch.
Since the woman is at a table, itís understood sheís seated.
Quote
Jess wipes a tear from her the corner of her eye, reaches down to her handbag, pulls out another tissue, and precedes to wipes her nose.
We know tears come from eyes. Also, be careful you donít micromanage by drilling down so far to insignificant details (unless the exact position of an action is very important to the story).
Quote
... reaches down to her handbag, pulls out another tissue ...
... pulls another tissue from her handbag ...

Quote
A good looking waiter walks up to their table with a clipboard in his hand.
Waiter needs to be capitalized (WAITER) if this is the first time he has an action in the script. Depending on how critical he is to the story (Does he just do what a waiter normally does? Or is he having an affair with Jess or Vonnie? Big difference in importance between those two scenarios.), commenting on his looks may be unnecessary.

Clipboard brought a large, intrusive item to mind.

Pad in hand, WAITER ...

Quote
JESS

Iííll have a mineral water and a cosmo salad please, can I have the dressing on the side please?
Read your dialogue out loud. In some areas, such as above, it sounds unnatural. One thing is please twice.

I know itís a pain, but adding a space between headings, dialogue and narrative descriptions is a courtesy to your reviewers. http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,39962.0.html
« Last Edit: July 19, 2012, 04:38:00 PM by Maimi »

Offline Dawn

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #47 on: March 16, 2012, 02:34:04 PM »
Hi Maimi, thanks for the in depth critique. I found it very informative. Can I ask is there any books or courses that you can recommend for me?
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Maimi

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #48 on: March 16, 2012, 04:19:31 PM »
PM on the way. ;)

Offline Dawn

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #49 on: March 16, 2012, 05:11:22 PM »
Thanks Maimi. :D
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Dawn

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #50 on: March 18, 2012, 03:43:56 PM »
Would this timing work with regards to the food in the bar?
Any imput appreciated.


INT.- BUSY GASTRO BAR - DAY

Jess breezes through the glass doors, straightening her windblown hair.

It's busy. She looks around.

She spots her friend, sitting alone near the back, and waves.

She weaves her way to the table...

VONNIE (30's) holds a menu, glances anxiously at her watch.

JESS

Vonnie, I'm so sorry! My eleven thirty was late.

VONNIE

It's fine Jess - don't worry! I've only just got here myself. Everyone's running late today, mines self inflicted though...

Vonnie, smiling, holds up a carry bag, as Jess finishes removing her coat and slides into her chair.

JESS

Are they?...

VONNIE

...Had my name on them.

JESS
(reaching for a menu)

I can't remember when I could last afford a pair of those.

VONNIE

I can't remember the last time I only worked an eight hour day.

Jess looks sorry for her.

VONNIE

I have to be outta here by one...I'm sorry, it's always so rushed.

Jess, rummages in her handbag, while studying the menu.

JESS

(looking around the room)

Waiter!

INT. OFFICE DAY

Matt is sitting at his desk, searching through a pile of paperwork. He drops various pieces of paper (clearly rushing)he cannot find what he is looking for.

A young lad in his 20ís is tapping his pen annoyingly on his desk, whilst chatting on the phone to his girl friend.

MATT

Do you have to?

JAMIE

Jamie raises his head

What?

Jamie mimes whilst on phone.

Matt motions to the pen.

JAMIE

Hang on a sec Ruth

Jamie puts the phone on his shoulder.

Whats up Matt?

MATT

Oh nowt, forget it

Matt gets up and walks to the water cooler, takes a cup but ends up with about 10 from the holder, annoyed he tries to put them back, he struggles with the holder and ends up giving up.
Matt walks over and grabs his jacket off the back of his chair.

MATT

Iím going for a cig.

Jamie just nods and carries on with conversation.


INT. GASTRO BAR DAY.

Jess pushes a plate of empty food away. Vonnie takes one last bite, full she rubs her stomach.

VONNIE

Iím stuffed. Hey (looks around room) donít look now but that girl whoís screwing Mike has just walked in.

JESS

Mike in your office, where, Vonnie Iíve got to look now. Whats she look like.

VONNIE

Usual, blonde and big tits.

Both girls laugh

JESS

Didnít you have a fling with Mike?

VONNIE

Least said bout that the better. Waiter

Vonnie beckons over a waiter serving another table.

VONNIE

One for the road.

The waiter walks over with a pad in his hand.

VONNIE

G & T please and sheíll have a glass of pinot.
Jess rolls her eyes.
Waiter writes on pad, walks away to get drinks.

JESS

Itís 12.15pm, what are you like? Anyway, do you and Ritch want to come round on Friday for some drinks and Iíll cook some tea?

VONNIE

Whatís the occasion, anything
She rolls her eyes and nods at Jess

JESS

No nothing on that score, but my temp was up again.

VONNIE

I donít know why you bother with all that stuff, you still putting your legs up in the air?

JESS

Oh yes and putting me bum on a cushion, it all helps you know, helps the little swimmers. I was reading in this article in Marie Clare and it says you should stay like that for at least half an hour.

VONNIE

You are a nutter
stops mid sentence as waiter sets their drinks down on the table

VONNIE

 Youíll be going to have sex on that giant fertility statue next.

JESS

Been there done that.
Jess smirks

Vonnie
For a second then I believed you.

JESS
Now whoís the nutter.


VONNIE

Seriously, Jess, whatís the Dr said now.

JESS

Heís referring us, Matts not keen, he says weíve been pregnant so why not again.

VONNIE

Well maybe heís right, are you, you know (Vonnie winks at Jess) you know (winks again more obviously) (smacks her head jokingly) you know (louder)

JESS

Ah, yes of course.
Both women laugh at loud. Some women on the next table in their fifties look over disapproving.
Both women laugh again.
Jess looks seriously at Vonnie, she is playing with a napkin, ripping it into tiny pieces.

JESS

Vonnie, itís been 18 months since I was pregnant, what if that was my only chance? What if me and Matt arenít meant to have kids (Jess looks down at the tissue). I canít imagine a life with just me and Matt.
Vonnie reaches out and holds Jessís hand stopping her from ripping the tissue.
She gets her to make eye contact

VONNIE

I wish I could say it will happen (she clasps Jessís hand firmer) all I know is that Iím here for you.
Jess pulls out another tissue from her handbag and wipes her eyes.

EXT. TOP OF OFFICE BUILDING ROOF. DAY.

Matt is stood leaning against a wall smoking a cigarette. The back door opens and out walks MARIE (20ís attractive) she walks over and lights up her cigarette.

MARIE

Matt Iím glad I caught you, the Taylor ad has cancelled again. He was speaking to Ruth earlier and says heís gonna pull it all unless we can look at our prices. Says where not competitive any more, oh and silly sod says our invoicing system is all to cock. You donít say eh.
Marie takes a long drag on a cigarette.

MATT

(clearly disappointed)
You have got to be kidding. Iíll ring him Marie, see if I can smooth the waters. I need that order going in.

MARIE
I suppose people aint got the money any more Matt.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. updated thread 50
« Reply #51 on: March 19, 2012, 02:57:18 AM »
I'm not an expert, but as long as you break up your continuous scenes, either using ((SCENE HEADING)-LATER) or interject another scene, as you have done, then it's fine. Movies aren't real time, but continuous scenes (ie. you're watching them eat a meal) are, so you just have to be careful your scenes flow well - it's a great way to practice ENTER LATE / LEAVE EARLY - and natural breaks in scenes such as calling for the waiter, then re-entering at the conclusion of the meal, which you did well. Acting out a continuous scene should take about a page a minute (and taking ten pages for a meal to arrive wouldn't be great story-telling), although there is some flexibility with just describing action, but you should still try to space it according to the approximate time it would take to portray it on screen. This is where film editors do such a great job as well.
« Last Edit: March 19, 2012, 07:38:05 AM by Paris Texas »

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. updated thread 50
« Reply #52 on: March 19, 2012, 03:06:00 AM »
Also you've been asking about books - there are dozens - one of the best is THE SCREENWRITERS BIBLE - TROTTIER - I think I've spelt it right - but it was written a long while back, and although it has been updated (make sure you buy the latest edition), the best place for the latest formatting info is online - you have to take it with a grain of salt though - there are so many different opinions - I would always go for the CLEAN and TIGHT - no camera angles POV etc.
FINAL DRAFT software is about the best thing out for writing your screenplay with easy to use drop-down formatting. You can find free copies on line if you need to.
« Last Edit: March 19, 2012, 07:38:33 AM by Paris Texas »

Offline midnight candle

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Re: My first script. updated thread 50
« Reply #53 on: March 19, 2012, 04:23:56 AM »
Also you've been asking about books - there are dozens - one of the best is THE SCREENWRITERS BIBLE - TROTTIER - I think I've spelt it right - but it was written a long while back, and although it has been updated (make sure you buy the latest edition), the best place for the latest formatting info is online - you have to take it with a grain of salt thought - there are so many different opinions - I would always go for the CLEAN and TIGHT - no camera angles POV etc.
FINAL DRAFT software is about the best thing out for writing your screenplay with easy to use drop-down formatting. You can find free copies on line if you need to.

I'll endorse that PT

Offline Dawn

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Re: My first script. updated thread 50
« Reply #54 on: March 19, 2012, 06:56:46 AM »
Hi PT.
Thanks I will check out that book. I have quite a few now to purchase I can see my shelves are going to be bulging.
Great advice about timing, thank you.
I have Celtz on my other laptop but it has a virus on it do being mended so I'm on my phone at the minute and a very old laptop which takes donkeys to load up.

So
Please forgive any spelling or grammar.

Thanks Daryl.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. updated thread 50
« Reply #55 on: March 19, 2012, 07:31:43 AM »
To tell you the truth alfie - I would just buy one - such as Trottier - for quick reference - maybe one or two others that are different or quirky, particularly ones giving a breakdown of well known movies or scripts etc. - (you'll know when you spot one you just have to have!) - there is just so much sceenwriting stuff online - really good blogs and articles with just about anything you need - most of it is up to date, but it always pays to try to ascertain the date it was written. This is the age of information overload, so you have to be choosey - I recently sold all my screenwriting books, including about half a dozen on Tarantino, for less than tenth of their cost, on online auction because I just couldn't find space for them anymore.
Footnote: You can also pick up a lot of movie scripts online - gives you a good sense of how the "pros" do it - they seem to get away with murder as far as formatting goes, which seems to back up ..."if its good enough...." and there's a lot of styles , but remember a lot of these are "Shooting Scripts" and include camera angles etc.

Offline Dawn

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Re: My first script. updated thread 50
« Reply #56 on: March 19, 2012, 09:32:22 AM »
Thanks PT. ;D
Time to take it serious and get the job done

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Re: My first script. updated thread 50
« Reply #57 on: March 24, 2012, 12:45:49 AM »
Hello alfiemama,

I have been watching this thread fr a bit.

I finally decided to jump in, and I would like to reccommend Final Draft to you. It is the end all, and be all of screenwriting software.

I will probably get some flack from some these others but that does not matter much. The majority of the people I know use this software. It's flexible, it works with many edit software programs, and most important interests, use Final Draft. I am not a spokesman, but I know the industry. ;)

Sincerely;

Patron

Offline Dawn

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Re: My first script. updated thread 50
« Reply #58 on: March 25, 2012, 05:07:21 PM »
Thanks Patron.
 Is there a lot of difference between Celtx and Final draft? It just seems a lot of money to pay out for a beginner.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2012, 05:54:44 PM by alfiemama »
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Patron

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Re: My first script. updated thread 50
« Reply #59 on: March 28, 2012, 03:55:47 AM »
Good question;

I refuse to use Celtx. Then again, I refuse to use Movie Draft. My opinion of these programs is that they are fairly difficult to navigate in changes and they become somewhat confusing. Aside from that, the people I know use Final Draft and I think like this.... . If I want to submit something that has a fair chance of making it, I am pretty sure, I want it to be in a program that the readers are working and do not have to convert to another program.

I am not a Final Draft representative the in any way. It just makes sense to use the best available program out there that industry reps are also using.

Just my thoughts.

Sincerely;

Patron
« Last Edit: March 28, 2012, 04:22:19 AM by Patron »