Author Topic: My first script. updated thread 50  (Read 16176 times)

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #30 on: March 10, 2012, 08:18:35 PM »
Also watch for ambiguity - in one of your scenes Jess is avoiding body contact with Matt, but checking her temperature for pregnancy. She closes the door to the bathroom, but is also informing Matt about her temperature (or does she tell Matt her temperature, then close the door - a bit anti-social? - to her partner?) Ok - still works to a point. But then she's secretly storing baby clothes. Are we to assume Matt's fine with her conceiving, and hiding the baby clothes is just because money's tight? Ok - still works if perhaps Matt just isn't quite as keen about pregnancy as Jess, and is perhaps playing her along, but then he was the one looking for intimacy. All these things have to be factored in perfectly, and they have to be consistent.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2012, 10:42:28 PM by Paris Texas »

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #31 on: March 10, 2012, 08:38:39 PM »
About what Midnight was saying - you don't have to show everything.

If the scene is changing back and forth from BATHROOM to BEDROOM, you don't need to show everything. Things will be happening in the BATHROOM, while your scene happens in the BEDROOM, and vice versa, but you can't cut back to the BATHROOM, and have Jess standing there fully clothed with 30 minutes of makeup on her face if you've only been in the BEDROOM for 15 seconds.

But if your scene is continuous, you do have to show the whole sequence of opening and cooking the baked beans. This is where the ENTER LATE, LEAVE EARLY thing comes into play - you have to cleverly plan out your scenes so you're only showing relevant information, and you're moving the story forward.
The reason you might show someone preparing baked beans might be to show they can't cook,  they haven't got much money, or imagination, or they're in a hurry, or they don't really care about the person they're preparing food for.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2012, 11:13:59 PM by Paris Texas »

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #32 on: March 10, 2012, 08:58:50 PM »
Keep your scenes RELEVANT.

Who wants to watch a BEDROOM / BATHROOM scene, unless it's to show some important interplay, and perhaps problems in a relationship. Your scene worked, as long as it fits the context of what you're trying to say (SHOW)

You might show your guy leaving home to go to work, kissing his wife and kids goodbye etc.

Your next scene might be him arriving in the car park, or walking down a hallway, or even sitting at his desk.

But you might have shown him stopped at the traffic lights, some punks giving him a hard time, to show your guy can keep his cool, or has anger management issues.

Scenes have to have a purpose, even if it's only to imply a passage of time, otherwise they should be cut to keep your screenplay "TIGHT"

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #33 on: March 10, 2012, 09:19:36 PM »
I watched the movie "The Double" last night - Richard Gere - it was great for the first half, but then it got a bit stupid.

It had some great scenes and dialogue. It showed Richard Gere at home, at night in some scenes, so the next scene was obviously a day later, giving the passage of time. It also showed that he was a bit of a mysterious dude.

It had a great scene (but really generic scene - watching kids play baseball - come on! I was thinking.) where he told a woman he didn't have the time because he didn't have a watch. A great set-up for later in the movie. Putting a watch on, he became a different person. But the scene showed - he didn't wear a watch (what sort of person doesn't wear a watch - perhaps a person trying to opt" out"), he liked children, but didn't have a family, something may be missing in his life, and maybe he was past having a woman in his life either, and what sort of person goes to watch kids playing baseball, when he doesn't have any kids?  -was what I was thinking.

Several times Richard Gere would get into a car, and the scene would follow the car in this big city with aerial shots and great music. It gave great atmosphere to the movie, and you knew that Richard Gere was in that car, thinking about his next move.

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #34 on: March 10, 2012, 10:14:54 PM »
You'll also notice that I've gone back, and made small alterations to many of my posts - some several times - this is what it's all about - writing, rewriting, and polishing your scenes and screenplay many, many times, until it's as good as you can make it (you think!) - then you put it in the drawer for a while (mines been in the drawer for periods of years! I got the idea in 1998 - I started writing it in exercise books many times, doing several opening and ending scenes - got sick of finding my exercise books under the couch with pages ripped out and toddler scrawl, usually crayon, all over them - said to my wife in 2003 that I just "had' to write it, and virtually locked myself in a room for 3 weeks solid - she did all the cooking, all the driving, and put up with me, restless, getting up at 3-4-5am many times, not able to sleep, ideas and problematic scenes awash in my head - she had to do the driving, because I would have a notebook in my back pocket at all times, and would instantly need to write down new ideas or solutions to scenes and timing, as I thought of them - it was running through my head constantly - it was one of the most exciting times of my life. It took me 3 weeks to get the skeleton screenplay down, on a computer, using screenwriting software, then another 3-4 mths to 'Polish" it - I thought it was great, but looking back, it was still rubbish. It went in the drawer for several periods of more than a year, two sometimes. I recently took it out, and rewrote some more. A top LA blogger has a copy now - I thought I just couldn't take it any further - I was "done" - that was revision 8.7 - it's now at revision 9.6  - Oh well!)), and learn some more screenwriting skills, and you watch as many movies and read as many screenplays as you can - you trawl blogs and screenwriting posts all over the net, you read books - and then you go back, take your screenplay out of the drawer, and surprise yourself at how much you now don't like, or want to make better!
« Last Edit: March 10, 2012, 10:16:41 PM by Paris Texas »

Offline midnight candle

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #35 on: March 11, 2012, 05:01:36 AM »
I don't think anyone else may have the balls to say it but . . .

This is someone else's thread and you've hijacked it with several posts that stray from the original topic. I'll suggest you start a new thread in the script section and tell us everything there. Because the way it stands now, i've lost interest in helping anyone here because i have to wade through your life story first.

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #36 on: March 11, 2012, 05:27:25 AM »
Post removed by Paris Texas - I just read "Bedfellows"! I couldn't write half as good as that.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2012, 03:03:27 AM by Paris Texas »

Offline midnight candle

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #37 on: March 11, 2012, 06:04:38 AM »
Firstly, I get a Troll rubbishing my writing before reading even one page of it, and trying to discourage others from reading it...

I get a really friendly reception from Laura, suggesting I give before I take ... and I do my best to contribute.... and try to help someone on a thread they've started, looking for help... in fact staying up all night to do so...

Then I get another bitter Troll...

I give up !!!


Okay, the boards are yours.

Offline Maimi

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #38 on: March 12, 2012, 11:49:37 AM »
I'm gone for the bulk of the weekend and return to find things headed south to discouraging.

If anyone is thinking about commenting on the last few replies, don't. Otherwise, please continue to offer feedback on Alfiemama's work. ;)

Paris and Daryl, I hope you don't allow an interaction to convince you to walk away. Perhaps a little distance from one another, until the sting of this exchange diminishes, would be beneficial.

As for hijacking, I know various thoughts creep in from time to time. As helpful as sharing a number of details of one's own practices, history and other items might be, it's best to focus on the thread owner's work.

Personally, as to creating a new thread, a few Discussion: Screenwriting Subject threads could be beneficial.

Oh, and please, no more name calling.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2012, 12:20:28 PM by Maimi »

Offline midnight candle

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #39 on: March 12, 2012, 12:37:36 PM »
I'm gone for the bulk of the weekend and return to find things headed south to discouraging.

If anyone is thinking about commenting on the last few replies, don't. Otherwise, please continue to offer feedback on Alfiemama's work. ;)

Paris and Daryl, I hope you don't allow an interaction to convince you to walk away. Perhaps a little distance from one another, until the sting of this exchange diminishes, would be beneficial.

As for hijacking, I know various thoughts creep in from time to time. As helpful as sharing a number of details of one's own practices, history and other items might be, it's best to focus on the thread owner's work.

Personally, as to creating a new thread, a few Discussion: Screenwriting Subject threads could be beneficial.

Oh, and please, no more name calling.

Everything fine here Maimi - just a misunderstanding. One of those things that gets taken the wrong way because of the internet and not knowing how it was said or meant. I'm cool with PT. :)

Offline Dawn

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #40 on: March 12, 2012, 12:57:22 PM »
  :D

I thought I would post the second scene again, as it kind of got a little lost.

I need help with the timing, do I move the 3rd scene and put it in the middle of this and then come back to the 2nd scene? Any ideas and help appreciated. (I've not altered anything yet, until I get other opinions on this)

INT.- BUSY GASTRO BAR
Jess breezes through the glass doors. She rushes up to a table were a woman, attractive, blonde hair Mid 30ís is sat looking through a menu glancing at her watch.
JESS
Vonnie, Iím so sorry, my 11.30am was late (takes a seat)
VONNIE
Oh itís fine Jess, Iíve only just got here myself, some lovely shoes called Jimmy were calling me, so I just had to, What? It would have been rude not to . (Vonnie holds up a paper bag. The two ladies laugh and smile)
A good looking waiter walks up to their table with a clipboard in his hand.
WAITER
What can I get you ladies?
JESS
Iííll have a mineral water and a cosmo salad please, can I have the dressing on the side please?
WAITER
(writes on pad) sure. (turns to Vonnie)
VONNIE
G AND T and a club sandwich please (looks at Jess, Jess looks at Vonnie, eyes roll in disbelief)
VONIE
(Holds hand up) Iíll get a cab.
Jess shakes her head.
JESS
Itís 12.15pm, what are you like? Anyway, do you and Ritch want to come round on Friday for some drinks and Iíll cook some tea?
VONNIE
Whatís the occasion, anything (she rolls her eyes and nods at Jess)
JESS
No nothing on that score, but my temp was up again.
VONNIE
I donít know why you bother with all that stuff, you still putting your legs up in the air?
JESS
Oh yes and putting me bum on a cushion, it all helps you know, helps the little swimmers. I was reading in this article in Marie Clare and it says you should stay like that for at least half an hour.
VONNIE
You are a nutter (stops mid sentence as waiter sets their food down on the table) Youíll be going to have sex on that giant fertility statue next.
JESS
Been there done that. (Jess smirks)
Vonnie
For a second then I believed you.
JESS
Now whoís the nutter.
VONNIE
Seriously, Jess, whatís the Dr said now.
JESS
Heís referring us, Matts not keen, he says weíve been pregnant so why not again.
VONNIE
Well maybe heís right, are you, you know (Vonnie winks at Jess) you know (winks again more obviously) (smacks her head jokingly) you know (louder)
JESS
Ah, yes of course.
Both women laugh at loud. Some women on the next table in their fifties look over disapproving.
Both women laugh again.
Jess looks seriously at Vonnie, she is playing with a napkin, ripping it into tiny pieces.
JESS
Vonnie, itís been 18 months since I was pregnant, what if that was my only chance? What if me and Matt arenít meant to have kids (Jess looks down at the tissue). I canít imagine a life with just me and Matt.
Vonnie reaches out and holds Jessís hand stopping her from ripping the tissue.
She gets her to make eye contact
VONNIE
I wish I could say it will happen (she clasps Jessís hand firmer) all I know is that Iím here for you.
Jess wipes a tear from her the corner of her eye, reaches down to her handbag, pulls out another tissue, and precedes to wipes her nose.

INT. OFFICE DAY
Matt is sitting at his desk, searching through a pile of paperwork on his desk, he drops various pieces of paper as he is such a rush, he cannot find what he is looking for.
A young lad in his 20ís is tapping his pen annoyingly on his desk, whilst chatting on the phone to his girl friend.
MATT
Do you have to
JAMIE
(Raises his head) what (he mimes whilst on phone).
Matt motions to the pen.
JAMIE
Hang on a sec Ruth (he puts the phone on his shoulder) whats up MATT
MATT
Oh nowt, forget it (Matt gets up and walks to the water cooler, takes a cup but ends up with about 10 from the holder, annoyed he tries to put them back, he struggles with the holder and ends up giving up.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline midnight candle

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #41 on: March 13, 2012, 04:29:56 PM »
Everything fine here Maimi - just a misunderstanding. One of those things that gets taken the wrong way because of the internet and not knowing how it was said or meant. I'm cool with PT. :)

Read it again PT. Instead of rambling on about how mistreated you were, see what was meant. Step back, cool off and read the posts again before making judgment. Maimi told you to stop the name-calling. All the abuse is one-sided from yourself.

Offline Dawn

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #42 on: March 13, 2012, 06:00:03 PM »

-and that I had "Hijacked" her thread - my replies were all about giving her advice from my experience - all any individual can do.

Unfortunately, by reposting her original, and suggesting it had got lost, Alfiemama seems to agree her thread was hijacked, so I will butt out.It's a shame you treat new, enthusiastic members of MWC like this.

There are far too many nice people in this world, to bother with the ones who aren't so nice....
[/quote]

Please don't put words into my mouth PT. I reposted because of the other posts not because I think you hijacked my thread. I am not that shallow thank you kindly as to want to keep a thread all to myself.

I actually just believe you are new and enthusiastic which we often see on this forum. This is not meant in a patronising way. I appreciate anybodies help and comments and take on board what everyone advises me. Perhaps midnight just meant let someone else have a go. I'm sure there was no malice meant.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline midnight candle

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #43 on: March 15, 2012, 04:58:08 PM »
Post removed by Paris Texas - I just read "Bedfellows"! I couldn't write half as good as that.

So you resorted to name calling and another cheap shot at personal attacks. Grow up!

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #44 on: March 15, 2012, 10:33:36 PM »
Actually I was quite impressed by your writing - decided to take down my negative post. This should be a friendly place.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2012, 10:37:57 PM by Paris Texas »