Author Topic: My first script. updated thread 50  (Read 16177 times)

Offline Paris Texas

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #15 on: March 09, 2012, 12:27:34 PM »
I want the camera to be following a vehicle but pan in on the kids and the icecream van.

Thanks for the comments, means a lot

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

An SUV moving down a typical middle class street.

Kids, balls, cars, dogs, ice cream truck.

Faces, pushed up against the rear window. Kids - looking out, poking faces, eating sweets, chewing gum.

The ice cream van - at the kerb, a trail of kids and tired parents patiently waiting their turn.

(Forget the camera - just describe what you see)


Offline Paris Texas

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #16 on: March 09, 2012, 12:32:43 PM »
To tell you the truth, there seems to be a lot of ways to do this sort of thing. I get really confused at night with lights on - so I just use "-LIT"

If it works and has no ambiguity, and the rest of your work is as professional as you can make it, I don't think it matters.

I read recently a reader saying that they just don't care if you use "we see" although I personally hate it.

Offline Maimi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3537
Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #17 on: March 09, 2012, 12:56:00 PM »
If the camera is in the car looking outwards it will be INT/EXT or I/E
I thought that was used when the action is back and forth. Otherwise, if the entire scene is of what's going on outside the car while in the car, the camera stays inside the car.

Good, informative discussion from my perspective, as well as feedback for Alfiemama. Paris and Daryl, thanks for the options and things to consider. ;)

To tell you the truth, there seems to be a lot of ways to do this sort of thing. I get really confused at night with lights on - so I just use "-LIT"
:D Sometimes I'm so confused I give up and just write. I should probably do that more often.

Offline Paris Texas

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #18 on: March 09, 2012, 08:13:09 PM »

INT. BEDROOM

Matt gets out of bed and walks over to the window. He watches the children playing outside for a second.
He then walks over to the free standing mirror and poses looking at his beer gut. He then peers at his eyes and touches his wrinkles around his eyes.

MATT

Geoff says I've put weight on my Belly.

Matt jiggles his belly skin up and down.

Jess walks in wet with a towel wrapped around her and walks up behind him. She playfully pats his belly.

JESS

There's nothing wrong with your belly. It's what attracted me to you in the first place.

Matt turns his head and tries to kiss Jess.

JESS

I'm all wet Matt, don't.

Jess breaks away and walks over to the dressing table. She picks up a jar of face cream and dots it on her face and proceeds to massage in the cream. Matt walks out of the room. Jess turns to say something, but sees that he is no longer in the room. She gets up and walks over to her wardrobe and takes out a carrier bag. She then pulls out a new white babygrow and smells it, hugging it close to her face. She then kneels down and takes out a box from under her bed and places it on the bed. Lifting the lid on the box she carefully lifts up a layer of tissue paper and places the babygrow on top of all the other babygrows and clothes in the box. CUE NOISE On hearing a noise she quickly puts the tissue back in place and puts the lid on the box. Kneeling down again she slides it back under the bed and pulls the bed sheets into place. She stands up quickly as Matt enters the room with a cup in his hand.

Matt places the cup down on the bedside cabinet.

MATT

Brought you a brew hun.

JESS

Thanks love

Jess takes a sip from the cup.

JESS

Listen, I was thinking why not invite Richard and Yvonne for Dinner Friday night. It's been ages since we've seen them. What do you think?


INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Matt in bed. Noises outside from the open window.

Matt rises, stretching, age catching up with him.

He moves to the window, contemplating the noises from the street.

Kids outside playing.

He turns and moves closer to a full length mirror. He's looking at himself.

His hands move to his stomach, and he sags his belly to extenuate his beer gut. He sucks it back in, and his hands move up to his face, moving over and pulling the lines around his eyes.

Jess enters. a towel tight.

JESS

Caught you!

MATT

Geoff made a comment about my belly.

JESS

What, is he gay or something? I love your belly.

She comes close and pats his bum. His face turns, looking for a kiss, but she's gone.

She picks a white jar from the dresser and unscrews the lid. She begins to apply the cream to her face, massaging. She half turns, but Matt's gone.

She finishes with the cream, and moves to the right hand side of the full length wardrobe.

She kneels, her hands finding a carrier bag. She pulls out a brand new baby grow, labels dangling. She pulls it to her face, feeling it against her skin, and inhaling it's newness.

Looking back over her shoulder, she reaches under the bed, and quickly removes a shallow box.

She quickly removes the lid and a layer of tissue paper.

Baby clothes, all new.

She lays the newest baby grow on top, her eyes filled with hope.

Noise. Footsteps from the hall. Quickly she replaces the tissue paper and lid, and the box slides back under the bed in one fluid motion.

Matt enters, carrying a steaming cup.

Jess is adjusting the sheets.

Matt places the cup on the dresser, his hand indicating it's for Jess.

JESS.

Thank you.

Matt stands in his shorts, looks at Jess, then switches his attention to his side of the wardrobe.

Jess pauses, awkward.

JESS

Listen, I was thinking why not invite Richard and Yvonne for Dinner Friday night. It's been ages since we've seen them. What do you think?

MATT (dressing)

Fine!



« Last Edit: March 10, 2012, 09:55:12 PM by Paris Texas »

Offline Dawn

  • Dawn
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9106
  • 'Kinky boobs? Really, well I never.'
Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #19 on: March 10, 2012, 06:39:16 AM »
Thanks everyone, wow, lots of good advice.

Sorry not been on for a while, my laptop has died on me, so had to dig old one out, unfortunately it has a p and t missing though, should be fun. ;D

I'd put this on for hold for the time being as still working on my book, but keep coming back to this as a bit of a distraction. I think I could do with finding a screen writing course perhaps. Does anyone know of any?
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Dawn

  • Dawn
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9106
  • 'Kinky boobs? Really, well I never.'
Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #20 on: March 10, 2012, 11:16:36 AM »
Another little bit, any comments welcome.

INT.- BUSY GASTRO BAR DAY

Jess breezes through the glass doors, she straightens her hair down from the outside wind. Jess waves over to a lady sat at a table on her own. She rushes up to the table weavng in and out of people waiting at the bar. The lady, attractive, blonde hair Mid 30ís is sat looking through a menu glancing at her watch.

JESS
Vonnie, Iím so sorry, my 11.30am was late (takes off coat and places it over back of arm of chair and takes a seat, she graps a menu from the holder and skims through it)

VONNIE
Oh itís fine Jess, Iíve only just got here myself, some lovely shoes called Jimmy were calling me, so I just had to, What? It would have been rude not to . (Vonney holds up a paper bag. The two ladies laugh and smile)

A good looking waiter walks up to their table with a clipboard in his hand.

WAITER

What can I get you ladies?

JESS

Iííll have a mineral water and a cosmo salad please, can I have the dressing on the side please?

WAITER
(writes on pad) sure. (turns to Vonnie)

VONNIE

G AND T and a club sandwich please (looks at Jess, Jess looks at Vonnie, eyes roll in disbelief)

VONIIE
(Holds hand up) Iíll get a cab.

Jess shakes her head.

JESS

Itís 12.15pm, what are you like? Anyway, do you and Ritch want to come round on Friday for some drinks and Iíll cook some tea?

VONNIE

Whatís the occasion, anything (she widens her eyes and nods at Jess)

JESS

No nothing on that score, but my temp was up again.

VONNIE

I donít know why you bother with all that stuff, you still putting your legs up in the air?

JESS

Oh yes and putting me bum on a cushion, it all helps you know, helps the little swimmers. I was reading in this article in Marie Clare and it says you should stay like that for at least half an hour.

VONNIE

You are a nutter (stops mid sentence as waiter sets their food down on the table) Youíll be going to have sex on that giant fertility statue next.

JESS

Been there done that. (Jess smirks)

Vonnie

For a second then I believed you.

JESS

Now whoís the nutter.

VONNIE

Seriously, Jess, whatís the Dr said now.

JESS

Heís referring us, Matts not keen, he says weíve been pregnant so why not again.

VONNIE

Well maybe heís right, are you, you know (Vonnie winks at Jess) you know (winks again more obviously) (smacks her head jokingly) you know (louder) It's to do with the suction according to Jane in the office.

JESS

Ah, yes of course.
Both women laugh at loud. Some women on the next table in their fifties look over disapproving.
Both women laugh again.
Jess looks seriously at Vonnie, she is playing with a napkin, ripping it into tiny pieces.

JESS

Vonnie, itís been 18 months since I was pregnant, what if that was my only chance? What if me and Matt arenít meant to have kids (Jess looks down at the tissue). I canít imagine a life with just me and Matt.

Vonnie reaches out and holds Jessís hand stopping her from ripping the tissue.
She gets her to make eye contact

VONNIE
I wish I could say it will happen (she clasps Jessís hand firmer) all I know is that Iím here for you.

Jess wipes a tear from her the corner of her eye, reaches down to her handbag, pulls out another tissue, and precedes to wipes her nose.


Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Paris Texas

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #21 on: March 10, 2012, 11:59:56 AM »
Quote
INT.- BUSY GASTRO BAR DAY

Jess breezes through the glass doors, she straightens her hair down from the outside wind. Jess waves over to a lady sat at a table on her own. She rushes up to the table weavng in and out of people waiting at the bar. The lady, attractive, blonde hair Mid 30ís is sat looking through a menu glancing at her watch.

JESS
Vonnie, Iím so sorry, my 11.30am was late (takes off coat and places it over back of arm of chair and takes a seat, she graps a menu from the holder and skims through it)

VONNIE
Oh itís fine Jess, Iíve only just got here myself, some lovely shoes called Jimmy were calling me, so I just had to, What? It would have been rude not to . (Vonney holds up a paper bag. The two ladies laugh and smile)

A good looking waiter walks up to their table with a clipboard in his hand.
Quote

INT.- BUSY GASTRO BAR - DAY

Jess breezes through the glass doors, straightening her windblown hair.

She looks around, and waves to a woman sitting alone.

She weaves her way to the table.

(You've already said it's busy in the scene heading - or you could reduce the scene heading, and put  "and waves to a woman sitting alone in the busy bar - but be careful - if it's busy, would she immediately see her friend? - you could add a couple of seconds of action while she's looking for her friend.) Maybe:

It's busy. She looks around.

She spots her friend, sitting alone near the back, and waves.

She weaves her way to the table...

I would tend to reduce the scene heading - you may have another scene in the GASTRO BAR, and it may not be busy - and scene headings should always be consistent - if it was in NEW YORK - and all your scenes would be lunchtime scenes - it would probably be fine to use BUSY GASTRO BAR)

VONNIE (30's) holds a menu, glances anxiously at her watch.

JESS

Vonnie, I'm so sorry! My eleven thirty was late.

VONNIE

It's fine Jess - don't worry! I've only just got here myself. Everyone's running late today, mines self inflicted though...

Vonnie, smiling, holds up a carry bag, as Jess finishes removing her coat and slides into her chair.

JESS

Are they?...

VONNIE

...Had my name on them.

JESS
(reaching for a menu)

I can't remember when I could last afford a pair of those.

VONNIE

I can't remember the last time I only worked an eight hour day.

Jess looks sorry for her.

VONNIE

I have to be outta here by one...I'm sorry, it's always so rushed.

Jess, rummages in her handbag, while studying the menu.

JESS
(looking around the room)

Don't forget to get that invitation off me...

Waiter!







« Last Edit: March 10, 2012, 11:03:57 PM by Paris Texas »

Offline Paris Texas

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #22 on: March 10, 2012, 12:15:44 PM »
Watch your timing - it's about a minute per page, give or take.

They sure get their food served pretty quick.

You'd have to break this scene up - either insert another scene - probably redundant in this context - or time-shift the scene with multiple scene headers (LATER) - or best practice ENTER LATE - LEAVE EARLY - get everything you need to SHOW or HEAR done, say by the time they order their food, or if the table/meal conversation is more important, start the scene later.

Offline Dawn

  • Dawn
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9106
  • 'Kinky boobs? Really, well I never.'
Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #23 on: March 10, 2012, 12:23:28 PM »
Thanks Paris, this is just the knowledge I am missing.
Love the changes just what I was looking for.

So if it's a minute per page, how many words on a page and how do I time a scene? ???(sorry if daft question)

« Last Edit: March 10, 2012, 12:32:32 PM by alfiemama »
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Paris Texas

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #24 on: March 10, 2012, 12:42:03 PM »
It's not about words on a page - it's about VISION on a page - use your own voice, don't worry about the number of words - just get it as tight as you can, with a logical progression (for instance, in an earlier scene, your character entered the bathroom, but didn't close the door - next thing she was looking at the back of the closed door.)

Judge your (action) sentences by the time the action would take, and the natural flow they need- space them out logically.

You get into the car.

You put the key into the ignition AND start the car.

You look in the mirror, adjusting your hair, checking your teeth.

You put the selector into "DRIVE". You release the handbrake. You push the accelerator, and the car -STALLS.

You look perplexed. You bang your head down on the steering wheel in frustration.

You get out of the car. You walk around the car.

You're looking down at the offside front wheel.

A WHEELCLAMP.

PS If you want to check out the timing in my screenplay (it's running to a counting down clock) email me and I'll send you a PDF copy - PDF's are the global document standard and are extremely safe and used by millions of companies all over the world to email documents.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2012, 12:45:42 PM by Paris Texas »

Offline Dawn

  • Dawn
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9106
  • 'Kinky boobs? Really, well I never.'
Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #25 on: March 10, 2012, 01:12:00 PM »
Oops, I see what mean. :-[

I'll pm you Paris, thanks.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Paris Texas

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #26 on: March 10, 2012, 01:13:04 PM »
Also - make sure all your actions are relevant. Earlier it was relevant to close the bathroom door. But another might just require:

Julian gets into the car and drives off - angry. (What's wrong with this?)

He's angry before he gets into the car.

Julian, angry, gets into the car, and drives off, in a cloud of burnt rubber.

Actions will be swings and roundabouts as far as timing is concerned, but a 120 page screenplay should run about 120 minutes.

Offline midnight candle

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3750
  • just checking in
Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #27 on: March 10, 2012, 01:19:11 PM »
Also - make sure all your actions are relevant. Earlier it was relevant to close the bathroom door. But another might just require:

Julian gets into the car and drives off - angry. (What's wrong with this?)

He's angry before he gets into the car.

Julian, angry, gets into the car, and drives off, in a cloud of burnt rubber.

Actions will be swings and roundabouts as far as timing is concerned, but a 120 page screenplay should run about 120 minutes.

It's all tell - that's what's wrong with it.

Is Julian angry? Show it. Julian bangs the bonnet with his fist.

Going over the other posts and you criticise about the logical sequence of things, but you don't need to show every action - as you said, it's about the vision not the mechanics. If the character gets a tin of beans out of the cupboard and later he eats them - the viewer/reader fills in the mechanics that the character has opened the tin, cooked them, served, etc.

That's my honest opinion and here's another - if alfiemama is going to learn about scriptwriting, there is one way - READ a lot of scripts, as well as books about the craft.

Offline Dawn

  • Dawn
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9106
  • 'Kinky boobs? Really, well I never.'
Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #28 on: March 10, 2012, 01:32:18 PM »
Who's Julian?;D (sorry couldn't resist)


Any suggestions on books Midnight?
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline midnight candle

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3750
  • just checking in
Re: My first script. updated.
« Reply #29 on: March 10, 2012, 06:40:09 PM »
Who's Julian?;D (sorry couldn't resist)


Any suggestions on books Midnight?

Sent by pm. :)