Author Topic: My first script. updated thread 50  (Read 16167 times)

Offline Dawn

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My first script. updated thread 50
« on: March 02, 2012, 10:09:44 AM »
EXT. Suburban street - day

We're driving down a suburban tree line street. Kids are playing in the front gardens. There is an ice cream van parked up with a huge queue of children and parents waiting in line.

INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM.

Jessica a pretty 30 year old brunette is getting up out of bed. There is a beeping noise coming from a thermometer she is holding. Her husbandMatt 35 is lying in bed stretching his arms out and yawning.


MATT

Come back to bed Jess, it's a Sunday.


Matt pats the pulled back bed covers.

JESS

I'm up now. Want some bacon?

Jess grabs her robe of the chair in the corner of the room, puts it on and heads to the bathroom. Matt looks sad.

INT. BATHROOM.

Jessica places the thermometer on the sink and opens up the bathroom cabinet we focus in on the rows of pregnancy tests lined up in order. She rummages for a while and takes out a glass bottle labeled folic acid and tips out on of the tablets out on the palm of her hand and pops it into her mouth. Jess walks over to a calender which is stuck on the bathroom door, takes the marker from underneath and writes 37.8 in a box marked temp.


JESS

It's up again Matt

INT. BEDROOM.

Matt tilts his head back and sighs.

MATT

Well fingers crossed hun.

INT. BATHROOM

Jess takes off her robe and starts to run the shower. She looks at herself in the mirror and analyzes the size of her breast. Jess strokes her stomach.




« Last Edit: March 18, 2012, 03:45:44 PM by alfiemama »
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline 510bhan

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2012, 10:21:36 AM »
Hi alfiemama -- not sure who 'we' are in the opening -- just a vehicle driving past to set the scene and bring the viewer to Jess and Matt's house? :-[ Don't know if that's an issue or not.

Noce touch with all the little kid references/ice cream van etc to foreshadow.

I like the scene, can visualise it and already have a feeling for the players. ;) ;) ;)

Offline Dawn

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2012, 10:38:38 AM »
That's in Sio. I wasn't sure how you show it though. ??? I want the camera to be following a vehicle but pan in on the kids and the icecream van.

Thanks for the comments, means a lot ;)
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2012, 11:02:23 AM »
Is the vehicle being followed relevant later in any way? Does the vehicle belong to a character we're subsequently introduced to?

If not I'd just open with perhaps the ice-cream van pulling up in a neighbourhood, then it could 'see' the scenery outside . . . haven't a clue how that's done or whose POV it would be :-[

Offline midnight candle

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2012, 11:26:21 AM »
Quote
EXT. Suburban street - day

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

Quote
We're driving down a suburban tree line street. Kids are playing in the front gardens. There is an ice cream van parked up with a huge queue of children and parents waiting in line.

Suburban street noted already - superfluous here. Maybe a shot of the street from the car as it drives past is a better way of showing. So...

Right now my kids are driving me nuts, so I'll come back later.

Daryl

Offline Dawn

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2012, 11:33:07 AM »
Thanks Daryl. Yes I can see what you mean about suburban.

Thanks Sio.

Here is a little bit more from the scene. Do you think this flows and is believable? Can you picture the scene? Thanks






INT. BEDROOM

Matt gets out of bed and walks over to the window. He watches the children playing outside for a second. He then walks over to the free standing mirror and poses looking at his beer gut. He then peers at his eyes and touches his wrinkles around his eyes.

MATT

Geoff says I've put weight on my Belly.

Matt jiggles his belly skin up and down.

Jess walks in wet with a towel wrapped around her and walks up behind him. She playfully pats his belly.

JESS

There's nothing wrong with your belly. It's what attracted me to you in the first place.

Matt turns his head and tries to kiss Jess.

JESS

I'm all wet Matt, don't.

Jess breaks away and walks over to the dressing table. She picks up a jar of face cream and dots it on her face and proceeds to massage in the cream. Matt walks out of the room. Jess turns to say something, but sees that he is no longer in the room. She gets up and walks over to her wardrobe and takes out a carrier bag. She then pulls out a new white babygrow and smells it, hugging it close to her face. She then kneels down and takes out a box from under her bed and places it on the bed. Lifting the lid on the box she carefully lifts up a layer of tissue paper and places the babygrow on top of all the other babygrows and clothes in the box. CUE NOISE On hearing a noise she quickly puts the tissue back in place and puts the lid on the box. Kneeling down again she slides it back under the bed and pulls the bed sheets into place. She stands up quickly as Matt enters the room with a cup in his hand.

Matt places the cup down on the bedside cabinet.

MATT

Brought you a brew hun.

JESS

Thanks love

Jess takes a sip from the cup.

JESS

Listen, I was thinking why not invite Richard and Yvonne for Dinner Friday night. It's been ages since we've seen them. What do you think?







Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Dawn

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2012, 02:42:37 PM »
Is the vehicle being followed relevant later in any way? Does the vehicle belong to a character we're subsequently introduced to?

If not I'd just open with perhaps the ice-cream van pulling up in a neighbourhood, then it could 'see' the scenery outside . . . haven't a clue how that's done or whose POV it would be :-[

Sorry Sio, just seen this question. No the vehicle isn't relevant at all. It's just to show the scenery around them. Mainly focusing on the kids which is a key part to the plot.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Maimi

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2012, 04:13:12 PM »
Alfiemama,

I must say, you're ahead of where I was when I first tried screenwriting. Good job. And good going getting to the problem your characters face. :)

No the vehicle isn't relevant at all. It's just to show the scenery around them. Mainly focusing on the kids which is a key part to the plot.
Sometimes SUBURBAN STREET does the job, so you can focus on key parts. The narrative is where you can set the scene by addressing the particulars of the neighborhood (tree lined street of Victorian houses vs brownstones encroach on sidewalks). Or specify the type of neighborhood in the heading.

Quote
INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM.

Jessica a pretty 30 year old brunette is getting up out of bed. There is a beeping noise coming from a thermometer she is holding. Her husbandMatt 35 is lying in bed stretching his arms out and yawning.
Remember to include the time in scene headings: INT. JESSICA'S BEDROOM - DAY

ALL CAPS a character's name when they first appear in the narrative description. JESSICA a pretty ...

Instead of relying so heavily on passive 'is ing' pairings, use active voice.

JESSICA ... gets out of bed. The thermometer she holds beeps.

Her husband MATT, 35, stretches/sprawls across the bed, yawning.


If needed, you can go a step further.

Jessica ... gets out of bed.
How does she get out of bed? You'll get more mileage out of strong, concrete verbs. They can complement a scene's tone or mood, and even reveal something about your character. Sound and images (hear and see) are important, as well as getting your readers to feel what you want.

Jessica tumbles out of bed.  (clumsy/funny/possibly celebrated too much the night before)
Jessica hops out of bed.  (a morning person, peppy, happy)
Jessica slips/inches out of bed.  (sneaky, hiding something or fearful of waking abusive husband)
Jessica scrambles out of bed.  (Yikes! Did a spider bite her or did she realize last night was a mistake?)
Jessica eases out of bed.  (Injured or just doesn't want to wake her husband?)
Jessica hauls herself out of bed.  (not a morning person, maybe dreading a task today, depressed)

I'm not saying a character can never 'get' or even just walk across a room. If there's a particular emotion that's not coming across or several adverbs pop up, try a concrete verb.

Quote
INT. BATHROOM.

Jessica places the thermometer on the sink and opens up the bathroom cabinet we focus in on the rows of pregnancy tests lined up in order.
Since we know the location, BATHROOM, 'bathroom' cabinet is unnecessary.

... we focus on ...: You can direct our attention and the camera by implying what's to be focused on in your narrative description. This also keeps the reader from being jarred out of the story.

For example, Jessica places the thermometer on the sink and opens the cabinet. Rows of pregnancy tests line a shelf. Or, Jessica places the thermometer on the sink and opens the cabinet. She stares at rows of pregnancy tests.

up in order.: Is the focus on rows of tests or rows of tests in a specific order? If it's the order, include the order (lined up in order by days of the week, months, etc.).

Again, nice job on your first script. Keep it up.

-Maimi
« Last Edit: July 19, 2012, 04:33:48 PM by Maimi »

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #8 on: March 09, 2012, 11:22:22 AM »
Suburban Street - No, you're in a car. So I would write this as an INT. scene. Something like...

INT. ....'s CAR (TRAVELING)

Trees, middle class driveways, clean lawns. An ice cream truck, kids, balls, parents, cars - eyes, concentration - easy does it.

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #9 on: March 09, 2012, 11:35:23 AM »
INT. JESSICA"S BEDROOM - DAY

Beeping. Jessica (30), attractive, long hair, negligee, gets out of bed, holding a thermometer.

Matt (35), her husband, stretches, yawns, arms wide as he stirs on the other side of the bed.

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #10 on: March 09, 2012, 11:44:26 AM »
MATT (patting the bed)

Come back to bed honey, it's Sunday!

Jess is already heading for the bathroom, pulling her robe from the back of a chair as she goes.

JESS (O.S)

I'm up now. Want some bacon?

Matt's face shows his disappointment.


Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #11 on: March 09, 2012, 12:00:48 PM »
INT. BATHROOM.

Jessica places the thermometer on the sink and opens up the bathroom cabinet we focus in on the rows of pregnancy tests lined up in order. She rummages for a while and takes out a glass bottle labeled folic acid and tips out on of the tablets out on the palm of her hand and pops it into her mouth. Jess walks over to a calender which is stuck on the bathroom door, takes the marker from underneath and writes 37.8 in a box marked temp.

INT. BATHROOM

Jessica closes the door. She places the thermometer on the sink. She opens the cabinet above the sink. Pregnancy testing kits - rows of them! She reaches up to the top shelf, searching.
A glass bottle.
"Folic Acid"
She opens it, tips a tablet into her hand, on it's way to her mouth, swallowing as she turns and moves towards a large calendar pinned to the back of the door.
She takes a marker that hangs, and writes.
 "37.8"
She stands back, contemplating all the other similar notations that decorate the calendar. She doesn't look happy!
« Last Edit: March 09, 2012, 12:15:07 PM by Paris Texas »

Offline Paris Texas

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #12 on: March 09, 2012, 12:12:13 PM »
JESS

It's up again!

INT. BEDROOM.

Matt rolls his eyes back and tilts his head at the ceiling, his mouth grimacing silently.

MATT

Well fingers crossed hun.

INT. BATHROOM

Jess runs the shower. She takes off her robe, looking at herself in the mirror. She weighs her breasts, her hands lingering, as her eyes try to console and reassure her, and winning the battle, they drop, stroking her flat stomach. The questions in her eyes return.

Offline Maimi

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #13 on: March 09, 2012, 12:14:18 PM »
EDIT: My apologies, Paris. I read the quote below as should I. That's why I replied the way I did in the strikeout. I blame it on too many cough drops.

Quote
Suburban Street - No, you're in a car. So I would write this as an INT. scene. Something like...

INT. ....'s CAR

Since EXT. and INT. refer to camera placement, you're right. ;)


Alfiemama, when the camera is place inside and looks outside, or the other way around ...

INT. CAR - DAY

Outside the window,

... has also been used.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2012, 12:27:19 PM by Maimi »

Offline midnight candle

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Re: My first script. Just making sure I am on the right track.
« Reply #14 on: March 09, 2012, 12:21:01 PM »
Since EXT. and INT. refer to camera placement, you're right. ;)


INT. CAR - DAY

Outside the window, ...

If the camera is in the car looking outwards it will be INT/EXT or I/E