Author Topic: phone call at four in the morning  (Read 684 times)

Offline Victor

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phone call at four in the morning
« on: February 26, 2012, 05:47:15 AM »
phone call at four in the morning

my friend

"you know him, right ?

he's dead, dude
got hit by a train last night

and he died"
 
I knew him alright

he was
sort of dark, scrawny , wore steel-rimmed spectacles

we shared sanskrit class

he once commented on my brushcut
said it made me look tough and hard
said i should shave and get my hair cut more often

he's in my facebook

yesterday
he borrowed my pen
to write something
in the hallway

my pen is tucked somewhere in my backpack

it is a Reyonold's Racer Gel - II
0.5 mm
water resistant ink
transparent scratch proof body

"are you coming to the wake?
it's at the hospital"

"nah"

I went back to sleep.
« Last Edit: February 26, 2012, 11:58:47 AM by Victor »
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline 510bhan

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Re: phone call at four in the morning
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2012, 08:37:22 AM »
L5 - and he died -- as the speaker already informed the listener that the student was dead, this seems redundant.

Timing the delivery of information can be everything, can't it?
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Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: phone call at four in the morning
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2012, 10:50:43 AM »
Love it V
you could end this poem on any of the last lines and it would still be good.

*You don't need "saying" on L1.

sparks
« Last Edit: February 26, 2012, 10:52:56 AM by SparkyDashforth »

Offline WordBird

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Re: phone call at four in the morning
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2012, 11:27:58 AM »
I like this a lot, though I know nothing about the mechanics of poetry.

My suggestions:

Can you just get rid of Line 1 and Line 5 all together? They aren't needed unless it has something to do with poetry rythyms.

Then on Line 14 (and). While I read this, I subconsciously put in an "OH") Such as he just remembered that the dude borrowed his pen just yesterday. I've no idea why, but it seems natural to me. He's in my Facebook, and Oh he just borrowed my pen yesterday...blah blah blah

I love the way it ends.

Offline Victor

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Re: phone call at four in the morning
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2012, 12:06:57 PM »
thanks all. some suggestions i saw as spot on right away and ive made a minor edit. ill have to think about the short bit of dialogue in the beginning...poetically i agree it could be condensed. but to me the way i wrote it sounded more natural.

Wordbird you're right. i could hear the suspicious hiss of the "Oh" too - you just confirmed it. i wasnt going for it. re: the edit. ; )
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline isa

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Re: phone call at four in the morning
« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2012, 10:31:37 AM »
superb writing. Maybe take out the redundant lines - although when in panic / excitement people do repeat them selves.
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Offline duck

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Re: phone call at four in the morning
« Reply #6 on: February 27, 2012, 11:26:23 AM »
Hi Victor,
As always with you this is excellent writing, however, and I seem to be alone in this, the ending is very calculated. I am not sure of the point - if the world is conducted this way sure enough it is depressing. Don't know a solution though. It is well written.
dave

Offline Victor

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Re: phone call at four in the morning
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2012, 04:30:32 AM »
thank you isa, duck.
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17