Is Shorter Better?

[isa]

Please can you give me advise as to is the shorter version better? Sorry if I am not allowed to post up two poems but Iīm at my wits end with which way to go.

One Day

I know
my toe nails
will 
fall off.

When they don't
I thank God
and paint them
Yves Saint Laurent
Scandalous Red.

One Day

my toe nails
will 
fall off.

Meanwhile
I paint them
Yves Saint Laurent
Scandalous Scarlet.

Many thanks.

[SparkyDashforth]

Toenails don't naturally fall off unless they are traumatized, then they may shed.
If the nail bed has not been severely damaged then the nail will fully grow back.
So to choose I would need to know why you feel your toenails will fall off.

[isa]

Itīs to signify loss or fear of losing part of ones self. Then not caring.

[510bhan]

Might be better using something else that can 'happen' then -- hair falling out/colouring it.

[isa]

I actually changed it from

One Day

I think
my toe nails
will..

rather than I know
but I guess if I have to explain....
I've gone wrong,. Thanks for all feedback.

[SparkyDashforth]

Hate to be a poetry pooper, but usually bits don't fall off people except hair and teeth.
Of course you could develop an interesting case of Leprosy
Diseases that effect the circulation like diabetes and arteriosclerosis could be a possibility.
Then you could lose fingers and toes or even whole limbs.
You could loose your eyesight. That's a realistic possibility, and that would make a good
theme for your poem.

[drab]

Hi isa,
With a minimal poem you should not use any filler words. I'm just wondering if you should scrap 'Yves Saint Laurent', after all does it make any difference which company produces the nail varnish?
Regards

[isa]

Sparky - Itīs the 'fear' of them falling off - of becoming decrepit. Scandalous Scarlet, the life I chose to lead any way.
Drab, thanks for the advise. I'd been trying to base the whole poem around that line.

[SparkyDashforth]

Now eyebrows they fall off a bit at a time.
So anyway, make it an irrational fear thing then.
When I was a lot younger and more sexually active I had an irrational fear of my plonker
falling off.  Silly I know, but very poem worthy

[bobthebuilder]

If you say instead, I fear one day my toenails will fall off, then keep the rest of the longer one, that works really well for me.

[Amie]

I like the longer one - a lot actually, except for the niggle that toenails don't just fall off, and (like Sparky) I need either a reason or a different device. N just fearing it doesn't work that well, because being that neurotic doesn't seem to fit with being able to blithely brush off the worry.

Still, I think you've got something here, if you can come up with a remedy for that niggle. I like the Yves St Laurent detail, as it's an expensive brand and heightens both the frivolousness and care of the action (depending on whether you think one nail varnish is much like another, or if you are of the school that realises that the economy brands usually wear off or peel off sooner and stain your nails )

[isa]

Wow, thanks for all your wonderful advise.
I had written another version today using hair falling out but now before I repost I think itīs back to work again taking in all the new suggestions.
Iīd like to hear your plonker poem Sparky.
Amie, I love your suggestion of 'fear', in my revised poem I used Intrepid Blue for the colour. lol

[isa]

One Day,

I fear
my toe nails
will
drop off.

Meanwhile
I thank God
and paint them
Yves Saint Laurent
Mischief Cerise.

[SparkyDashforth]

How about something like:


One day, my toe nails
may thicken and yellow,
like goats teeth.

Meanwhile, I thank God
and paint them
Yves Saint Laurent
Mischief Cerise.

~~

:-) just playing with your idea

[isa]

ha ha, now thatīs quite disgusting.  But I get your drift, I think.