Author Topic: Is Shorter Better?  (Read 2404 times)

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #15 on: February 27, 2012, 12:14:05 PM »
 ;)

Offline isa

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #16 on: February 27, 2012, 12:20:12 PM »
One Day,

I fear
my toe nails
will curl, yellow
then finally
fall off.

Meanwhile,
I thank God
and paint  them
Yves Saint Laurent
Mischievous Cerise.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2012, 06:48:18 PM by isa »

Offline mermaiden

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #17 on: February 28, 2012, 06:48:00 AM »
'I fear' (heh) I may have joined in too late but here comes the opinions anyway. First of all, the longer one, definitely.

While I totally get how falling toenails may seem iffy, and indeed the 'I fear' works better, 'I know my toenails will fall off' can be such a promising start to a little ditty about someone with a foot fetish. ;D What I mean is, you could actually have two versions of this poem.

The more rational 'I fear' one which seems to have reached a cool balance here; and another in which the second stanza is not one that sounds dismissive and sane but even more compulsive instead. Perhaps because she knows her toenails will fall off (regardless of the impossibility) she paints them with a more manic determination? Think Poe.

Offline Amie

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #18 on: February 28, 2012, 06:51:03 AM »
Actually, I was thinking about this one the other night and thinking that a longer version might help (and keeping 'think' rather than 'fear'). Like an additional S2 that gives some other detail about the N, so that you understand why she has this irrational worry (not necessarily explaining why, just allowing her to speak a bit longer, even just a few lines longer, so the reader gets to know her better and develops a better understanding of her little quirks ;) )

Offline Amie

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #19 on: February 28, 2012, 10:47:35 AM »
Actually, I had another idea (and i mention this purely as a suggestion, a sort of brainstorming over the net - ie, even if this idea is crap, maybe it'll spark off a better idea in you) - you could also give another reason why the N thinks this - so, for example, something like, "My dad's toenails fell off. Turned black, curled up and floated off in the bath. I think mine might do the same. Until then..."

Equally surreal, but at least gives a bit of grounding in that there is a reason why the N has this nutty idea.

Offline isa

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #20 on: February 28, 2012, 06:48:21 PM »
Amie
Quote
Actually, I was thinking about this one the other night and thinking that a longer version might help (and keeping 'think' rather than 'fear').
My first attempt was ' think'  and fearī', it is not.  I tested out the 2 versions on friends and they liked the longer one too, when read.
Iīve worked about three months on this poem back and forth and thatīs why I bought it here, for the best advise  I knew I came to the right place. But God, you are making me think. x

mermaiden, it is a 'thought' the poem has, not a fear. And, if it is a final destination for all toe nail lovers, then who am I to complain.
Love your input,
Quote
because she knows her toenails will fall off (regardless of the impossibility) she paints them with a more manic determination?
itīs true, but itīs more than manic determination, and that is what Iīm trying to get across. I just canīt find the word.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #21 on: February 28, 2012, 06:54:24 PM »
For God's sake!  You want the best advice?  Take my version/edit and use it.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #22 on: February 29, 2012, 05:41:51 PM »
Here's my two cents:

One Day

my toenails
will
fall off.
. . . .

Crisp, straight forward, unique way of saying that someday you'll be dead or decrepit or whatever and none of this will matter -- in five words!  It doesn't need to be logical, the reader can figure it out.  And you gotta keep "scandalous red"  -- its so evocative!  Again, just my $ .02

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #23 on: February 29, 2012, 07:20:27 PM »
or

One day
I will fall off
my toenails.

or the more prosaic -

one day
I will trip over
my toenails.

Or
in my case,

I wish
I could reach
my toenails. :D


Offline 510bhan

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #24 on: February 29, 2012, 07:22:11 PM »
One day
my toenails
will get me.

:o ;D

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #25 on: February 29, 2012, 07:30:50 PM »
My toenails
have pigeon leprosy
I paint them
glow in the dark orange.
I wish they would fall off.

 ::)
« Last Edit: February 29, 2012, 07:42:52 PM by SparkyDashforth »

Offline indar

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #26 on: February 29, 2012, 09:48:51 PM »
One day
Howard Hughs and I
will tap out a tango
toenail to toenail

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #27 on: February 29, 2012, 10:05:52 PM »
Heheheh :D

Stop it!

Offline indar

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #28 on: February 29, 2012, 10:26:04 PM »
 ;D Actually, I liked the goat's teeth.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Is Shorter Better?
« Reply #29 on: February 29, 2012, 10:40:02 PM »
Me too. I mean when you get to be wrinkly,
toenails really need painting, but by then you don't give a shit.
 ;D