Author Topic: Everything Under The Sun  (Read 2298 times)

Offline midnight candle

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Everything Under The Sun
« on: February 25, 2012, 05:50:56 PM »


FADE IN:

MONTAGE:

DANIEL, mid-fifties, clean shaven and greying hair side parted. His white shirt is crisp and starched and he wears a regimental tie.

He strolls around his garden, cigarette in his mouth and stops by the white lilies. He cuts a handful – sniffs them – and walks towards the house. He drops the secuteers on the patio table and walks inside.

Daniel sits open legged as he polishes his leather shoes. A duster is wrapped around two fingers as he swirls it around in a slow circular motion on the toe. He stops, looks and spits onto the shoe. He adds more polish and swirls again.

He picks up the cigarettes, car keys and flowers and exits the house.


LATER

He marches through the hospital atrium, flowers in one hand and swinging the other arm. His purposed footsteps echo on the tiled shiny floor.

He decides to take the stairs instead of waiting for the lift.

Two steps at a time and still shows stamina as the floor numbers rack up.

He enters the correct level and sees the sign ‘PALLIATIVE CARE’.

He enters and marches along the corridor. He halts outside a room and makes sure of his appearance before entering –

-- into a side room in the hospital ward. His wife is asleep but rouses when the door creaks.

TRACY, mid-fifties, frail and cancer ridden. She smiles at him but it hurts.

Daniel takes away the old flowers and replaces a fresh bunch of white lilies. Her eyes water as she watches him cut the stems and arrange them in the vase.

He pulls up a chair next to the bed and holds her hand. She closes her eyes.

Tears balance on his eyelids and he wipes them away quickly.


LATER:

The lights are dimmed in the bays along the corridor.

Nurses whisper to each other and check patient notes. One nurse enters Tracy’s room.

Daniel holds Tracy’s hands and rouses from a nap when the door creaks. The nurse smiles at him and walks to the other side. He watches her check the morphine levels. Another smile and she leaves.

Tracy opens her eyes and tries to speak. Daniel holds a glass of water to her cracked lips. She sips and grimaces. She holds her eyes shut tight and slowly opens them –-

-- Daniel leans forward to hear her words but she can’t speak. She closes her eyes again--

-- Her head slides to one side.

Tears spill down Daniel’s cheeks. He grasps her body with both arms and holds her against his muscular body, rocking gently until--
-- He caresses her cheek and gives her a lingering kiss on her lips.


EXT. GRAVESIDE. DAY.

Rain beats upon umbrellas. Daniel holds a bunch of fresh cut lilies. As the coffin is lowered, he drops the flowers onto the coffin. He stands at ease.

Behind the relatives, a small group of men stand at ease too – the same stature and build, regimental ties and neat appearance.


LATER

The relatives disappear and Daniel shakes each of his friends’ hands. Pats on his back from former comrades. He walks away.

Daniel stands by the sodden mud. Rain beats against him. No umbrella and his polished veneer is soaked. He crouches, one hand on the soil, frozen –-

-- The vicar stands over him with an umbrella, says nothing, just waits.


INT. LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Empty beer bottles and cigarette packets litter the small coffee table. The ashtray overflows with butts and bottle tops.

Daniel slouches in his armchair. Still in his mourning suit, shirt and tie skewed. Traces of mud on his polished shoes and knees.

He holds his wedding photograph -- Daniel in his paratroop uniform and Tracy dressed in white. His army mates surround them.

We hear him cry.


INT. BEDROOM. DAY.

A big heap of clothes on the bed. Daniel rummages through the wardrobe. Pulls out her wedding dress. He holds it in front of him...

... But places it on the bed with her other clothes.

He opens up the draws on her bedside locker. Perfumes, necklaces, family heirlooms...an envelope.

He looks puzzled but opens up the letter...

DANIEL
It’s not been easy for you...and me...since you came home. I know you have struggled. You’ve fought it as best as you could.

Daniel stops reading and looks at her photograph on his bedside locker. Then reads on.

TRACY (V.O.)
Now I’m gone. You have to fight this last battle yourself. Promise me...you’ll return the photograph and wedding ring. You promised him. I love      you. I’ll always love you.

Daniel strides to the landing and looks upwards at the attic entrance.

He grabs the pole and latches onto the attic latch. He pulls the attic door downwards and then the attic ladder.

Inside the attic, he finds a small holdall. He retrieves the wedding photograph and wedding ring.

He sits on the bed...staring at the photo...


INT. MARIA’S HOUSE. NIGHT.

MARIA’s WEDDING PHOTOGRAPH.

MARIA, mid-fifties, wears a black headscarf with veil thrown back over her head. She smiles but tears roll from her eyes. JOSE, her son, stands behind with his hands on her shoulders. She leans her cheek onto his hand and wipes her tears away with her hand.

Her son is the spitting image of her husband, also called JOSE. They are young. She wears a traditional white dress with veil flung back. Her black hair is bunched upwards apart from two ringlets draping over her shoulders. Jose beams as he holds her hands. His hair is slicked backed with a side parting and his suit is immaculate.

Maria touches Jose’s face on the photograph –-
 

INT. BEDROOM. DAY.

Daniel places the photograph and ring in his bedside locker. He lies on the bed staring at Tracy’s photograph. His eyes are moist and he swipes it off the locker. It smashes against the wall... but he regrets it instantly.


« Last Edit: February 25, 2012, 05:53:03 PM by midnight candle »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Everything Under The Sun
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2012, 06:05:01 PM »
secuteers ->>> secateurs
mourning suit ->>> morning suit [this is not correct, a 'morning suit' is worn at weddings, usually has a frock coat and tails] I'd wouldn't bother mentioning his attire if he hasn't changed. ;)

Lots of great detail here, good observation. :) :) :)
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Offline midnight candle

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Re: Everything Under The Sun
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2012, 06:15:27 PM »
Thanks Siobhan  :)

Offline WordBird

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Re: Everything Under The Sun
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2012, 12:20:59 PM »

He opens up the draws  Do you mean "drawers"on her bedside locker. Perfumes, necklaces, family heirlooms...an envelope.

He looks puzzled but opens up the letter...



INT. MARIA’S HOUSE. NIGHT.

MARIA’s WEDDING PHOTOGRAPH.

MARIA, mid-fifties, wears a black headscarf with veil thrown back over her head. She smiles but tears roll from her eyes. JOSE, her son, stands behind with his hands on her shoulders. She leans her cheek onto his hand and wipes her tears away with her hand.

Her son is the spitting image of her husband, also called JOSE. They are young. She wears a traditional white dress with veil flung back. This is confusing. The second description of the white dress is in the picture, right? But maybe I'm forgetting that this is a script and not a novel). Her black hair is bunched upwards apart from two ringlets draping over her shoulders. Jose beams as he holds her hands. His hair is slicked backed with a side parting and his suit is immaculate.



This has a good feel. I want more of the story!

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Everything Under The Sun
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2012, 01:02:06 PM »
Hi wordbird - correct. One is the present description, the other a 30 year old photograph.

Offline WordBird

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Re: Everything Under The Sun
« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2012, 01:14:08 PM »
My apologies, MC. I forgot I was reading a script, where that kind of information would be visual.

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Everything Under The Sun
« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2012, 02:02:23 PM »
No problem. Thanks for reading.  :)

Offline Justin D Hill

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Re: Everything Under The Sun
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2012, 06:46:15 AM »
Good script! good luck with it.  :)
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Tony_A20

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Re: Everything Under The Sun
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2012, 04:53:00 PM »
Hello Midnight,

First of all, I would not call this a script. A script is almost exclusively dialogue.

Second, as a montage, there is too much activity, the passage of time cannot be expressed as indicated, and the whole sequence is too long.

Thirdly, it is too detailed to be considered a treatment or an outline, and the voice-over is unnecessary since it would be simpler to show the letter.

It is not clear whether this is the first, intermediate, or last scene, but—

I think it would be better to have an establishing shot showing Tracy in the hospital then fade to a single scene of Daniel sitting on the bed, with Tracy’s photograph visible, and look over his shoulder as he reads the letter, then shift to a three-quarter view from slightly below the top of the letter showing a tear slide down Daniel’s face as he finishes the letter then slowly crushes and lets it fall. Then fade to black.

It’s not necessary to show every detail. Let the actor let act, and the audience feel his emotion.

Tony

Only my opinion, of course.



Offline midnight candle

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Re: Everything Under The Sun
« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2012, 05:08:52 PM »
Hi Tony,

Thanks for the comments but I respectfully disagree that a movie is mostly dialogue. David Mamet said in 1991, 'Basically, the perfect movie doesn't have any dialogue. So you should always be striving to make a silent movie.' I think this year's oscar winning movie THE ARTIST demonstrates that point.

I cut montage from my copy and didn't realise I'd left it in.

All other points will be looked at and thought about. I don't want to cut too much from his established story because of what it mirrors later on, but yes, I will certainly look at paring it back.

Cheers Tony,

Daryl

Tony_A20

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Re: Everything Under The Sun
« Reply #10 on: February 29, 2012, 09:11:07 AM »
Hello Daryl,

“The Artist,” and a few other silent movies since 1930 certainly are exceptions, nevertheless dialogue now carries the story in movies, and forms the majority of content in scripts, so you can understand my confusion.

I think what Mr. Mamet intended was that the audience should be able to understand the content and meaning of a scene from the visual material without the need for additional explanation. The same sentiment applies to written material, except the images are mental.

Sometimes when presenting a story, all the sights between two points are revealed and the audience’s imagination is stifled, when all that is necessary are a few signposts indicating the route. Less is usually better then more, unless the intent is to overwhelm.

Imagination produces all the flavors, presentation only a few. The result of overwriting, as with overacting, is to turn sensitive material into satire. Always think of a scene as it will be viewed by an audience, not as you envision it.

Sorry to pontificate.

Tony



Offline Maimi

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Re: Everything Under The Sun
« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2012, 06:23:09 PM »
Hi Daryl,

Good going at getting us from the garden to the grave, then presenting a curious situation.

I gather you changed your mind on using a montage. You've probably already done this on your original, but remember to add the headings for each location change (from garden to polishing shoes inside, atrium to stairs, bedroom to landing to attic, etc.).

Quote
LATER

He marches through the hospital atrium, flowers in one hand and swinging the other arm. His purposed footsteps echo on the tiled shiny floor.
When I got to the last sentence, the image flipped. Instead of seeing him and hearing his footsteps, the sound of footsteps come first. The dandy job he did polishing his shoes is next, then the flowers and finally Daniel.

Of course, whether to start off by zooming in or out is up to you. For some reason my mind went in the opposite direction of yours.

Quote
The lights are dimmed in the bays along the corridor.
'Dimmed' had me picturing lights being turned down, instead of being dim. Not sure if having them go from bright to dim is intended.

Quote
One nurse enters Tracy’s room.
NURSE or ONE NURSE, since she's no longer grouped with the rest of them.

Should there be mention of staff and/or visitors before now, to set the scene? Would a nurse give him a sympathetic smile or glance as he walks by? That says a lot to me about his frequency/familiarity and hints at how grim circumstances are. Just wondering out loud here, Daryl.

Quote
-- Her head slides to one side.
Droops or sags convey more sadness to me. Loll came to mind, but I'm on the fence with it. Then again, since I'm working on selecting verbs to reveal another piece about characters or aid with a scene's tone, I'm probably over thinking this one. ;)

Quote
Daniel strides to the landing and looks upwards at the attic entrance.

He grabs the pole and latches onto the attic latch. He pulls the attic door downwards and then the attic ladder.
Noting attic in the last sentence seems unnecessary.

Quote
Inside the attic, he finds a small holdall. He retrieves the wedding photograph and wedding ring.

He sits on the bed...staring at the photo...
Is there a bed in the attic or is he back in their bedroom?

All the best,

-Maimi

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Everything Under The Sun
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2012, 03:06:31 AM »
Thanks Maimi,

I decided against the montage as I said, and the scene headers have been put in place. However, you have raised some good points and I'm grateful for them. I'll have a revised draft up very soon (2-3 weeks).

Thanks guys.