Author Topic: second part of whispers  (Read 648 times)

Offline bowmore bill

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1043
    • View Profile
second part of whispers
« on: February 25, 2012, 04:01:53 PM »
The amount of cash collected would be double the weekly average, as all or most of his customers were getting set to go off on holiday. As a consequence, the battered old valise he used to transport it would be almost full.
With the last collection made he descended the three flights of stairs of the old tenement, he was so looking forward to his week-end off.
On the last landing some sixth sense made him stop, the gas lamp in the close was out leaving it in complete darkness.
Standing there he stared nervously into the dark passage below him and tried to be objective; it may just have blown out.
The second possibility, and a worrying one at that, was that someone had deliberately put it out.
He stood for what seemed like hours listening for the slightest sound that would give away the presence of anyone waiting in the darkness below.
As the seconds and minutes passed the only sound he could hear was his heart thumping against his ribcage, he tightened his grip on the worn handles of the valise case, taking a deep breath he started downstairs. In the gloom of the stairwell he slid one foot in front of the other, nervously feeling his way downstairs.
From somewhere close-by the sound of a couple arguing reached his ears, bringing him a modicum comfort. Anything was better than the eerie stillness surrounding him.
At the bottom of the stairs he took a deep breath, so far so good he told himself and started forward, something hit him from behind and a bright light exploded in his head.
The first blow pitched him forward knocking him off balance; the second brought him to his knees.
Through his fast disappearing consciousness he felt someone attempting to tear the valise from his grip, a kick to the ribs followed when he refused to let go of it. Before he passed out he registered the sound of feet running.


 Part 3

Back at the Hangman’s Rest an hour later the three men sat drinking at the rear of the near empty lounge bar. They were in fine fetle  as they celebrated their ill gotten gains at the expense of Tam Ingles.
Martin Longmuir was doling out cash from the battered old valise case on his knee, although it was meant to be an equal three way split, fifty per cent of it went to him, the other fifty per cent he split between his two sidekicks.
They may not have liked the arrangement much, but they had learned through past experience not to voice their opinions too strongly, especially when it came to sharing.

The trio left The Hangman’s Rest at around nine thirty, buoyed up by the amount of alcohol they had consumed.
Martin Longmuir had arranged to meet his girlfriend who worked as an office cleaner across the river. The other two would accompany him so far, and then go their separate ways.
As they walked down Saltmarket Street and crossed over the river to the south side of the city; the mist coming off it shrouded the surrounding streets giving the place an eerie look
.
“I hate this weather Abe Roberts remarked, it reminds me of those old movies about Jack the Ripper, werewolves, and that kind of thing”.

“Surely you don’t believe that crap Martin Longmuir said, all that stuff comes from someone's over fertile imagination Abe.
They’re just adult fairy stories”. Danny MacLean his council to himself.
As an eight year old, he had awakened one night to find what looked like a curtain of fog at the foot of his bed. As he lay trembling something  hidden in it whispered to him, bidding him to come closer,

“I have things to tell you it continued....secrets.” He had listened terrified as the voice coaxed and cajoled, but some inner sense told him no.
Even now he could recall that night clearly.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2012, 02:06:02 PM by bowmore bill »

Offline Katinka

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2228
  • To write or not to write, that is the question.
    • View Profile
Re: second part of whispers
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2012, 09:21:10 PM »
bowmore
So this began with the last part of chapter 2.
The first para is a bit slow...
Tam Ingles was well known to most of the people in the district as he had called at most of their homes each Friday for over a decade, to collect their insurance premiums.
Cooper Street was the last street on his round, after that he could head home to the comfort of his flat, with the money being deposited in the bank on Monday morning.

From here it's good
The amount of cash collected this week was more than average as most of his customers were getting set to go off on holiday and paid two weeks money; as a consequence the battered old valise that he used to transport it bulged with cash. With the last collection made he descended the three flights of stairs of the old tenement, he was so looking forward to his week-end off.
On the last landing some sixth sense made him stop, the gas lamp in the narrow close had gone out leaving it in complete darkness.
He stared nervously into the dark close below him and tried to be objective; it may just have blown out.
(good supense throughout)
The second possibility and a worrying one at that, was that someone had deliberately put it out..
Isa the following written in Martin's POV? It seems to me to be omniscient.
“I hate this weather(") Abe Roberts remarked, (") it reminds me of those old movies about Jack the Ripper, werewolves, and that kind of thing”.

“Surely you don’t believe that crap(") (You have a problem with quotation marks.) Martin Longmuir said turning towards him, (")all that stuff comes from someone's over fertile imagination Abe. They’re just adult fairy stories”.  
  (Another issue with POV)

sentence structure (I have things to tell you it continued....secrets.”)

Otherwise, good stuff.

Offline Laura H

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34432
    • View Profile
Re: second part of whispers
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2012, 09:58:30 PM »
Hiya, Bill  :)  I'm in editing mode with my own stuff now, so forgive me if my cuts dig too deep.  As always, you have a great kernel at the core of your story.  My trims are meant to cut to the chase, and I completely cut the last bit as I think it should be separate from what you've posted although I suspect it's important to the continuing story.


Tam Ingles was well known to most of the people in the district as he had called at most of their homes each Friday for over a decade, to collect their insurance premiums.
Cooper Street was the last street on his round, after that he could head home to the comfort of his flat, with the money being deposited in the bank on Monday morning.

The amount of cash collected this week was more than average as most of his customers were getting set to go off on holiday and paid two weeks money; as a consequence
the battered old valise that he used to transport it bulged with cash. Tam Ingles  With the last collection made he descended the three flights of stairs of the old tenement, he was so looking forward to his week-end off.

On the last landing some sixth sense made him stop, the gas lamp in the narrow close had gone out leaving it in complete darkness.
He stared nervously into the dark close below him and tried to be objective; it may just have blown out.
The second possibility and a worrying one at that, was that Perhaps someone had deliberately put it out.

He stood for what seemed like hours, listened for the slightest sound that would give away the presence of anyone waiting in the darkness below.
As the seconds and minutes passed the only sound he could hear was his heart thumping against his ribcage, he tightened his grip on the worn handles of the valise case, then took a deep breath and started downstairs. In the gloom of the stairwell he slid one foot in front of the other nervously feeling his way downstairs.
From somewhere close-by
the sound of a couple arguing reached his ears, bringing him a modicum comfort. Anything was better than the eerie stillness surrounding him.

At the bottom of the stairs he took a deep breath,
so far so good he told himself and started forward, something hit him from behind and a bright light exploded in his head.
The first blow to the back of his head pitched him forward knocking him off balance; the second blow brought him to his knees.

Through a fast disappearing consciousness he felt someone attempting to tear the valise from his grip, a kick to the ribs followed when he refused to let go of it. Before he passed out he registered the sound of feet running into the night.


 Chapter 3
Back at the Hangman’s Rest an hour later Martin Longmuir and his two cronies sat drinking at a table in the rear of the empty lounge bar. They were in fine spirits as they celebrated their ill gotten gains at the expense of Tam Ingles.

 Martin Longmuir sat doling out cash from the battered old valise case on his knee, although it was meant to be an equal three way split, fifty per cent of it went to him, the other fifty per cent he split between his two sidekicks.
They may not have liked the arrangement much, but they had learned through past experience not to voice their opinions too strongly, especially when it came to sharing money.

The trio left The Hangman’s Rest at around nine thirty ,buoyed up by the amount of alcohol they had consumed.
Martin Longmuir had arranged to meet his girlfriend who worked as an office cleaner across the river. The other two would accompany him so far, and then go their separate ways.
As they walked down Saltmarket Street and crossed over the river to the south side of the city; the mist coming off it shrouded the surrounding streets giving the place an eerie look
.

“I hate this weather," Abe Roberts remarked, "it reminds me of those old movies about Jack the Ripper, werewolves, and that kind of thing”.

“Surely you don’t believe that crap Martin Longmuir said turning towards him, all that stuff comes from someone's over fertile imagination Abe. They’re just adult fairy stories”.  
                    
 Danny MacLean kept his council to himself, as an eight year old he had awakened one night to find what looked like a curtain of fog at the foot of his bed. As he lay trembling something he couldn’t see whispered to him, bidding him to come closer,

 “I have things to tell you it continued....secrets.”
He had listened terrified as the voice coaxed and cajoled, but some inner sense told him no.
 He could recall that night clearly even now, after a while the voice
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

“Don't be like the rest of them, darling.” ― Eudora Welty

Offline bowmore bill

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1043
    • View Profile
Re: second part of whispers
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2012, 04:35:41 PM »
Thank you LH, something to think about.  :-*

Sam Cooper

  • Guest
Re: second part of whispers
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2012, 07:36:43 PM »
Hello Bill.

I went back and read a few of the first stories you posted on here to see what has changed in your writing, and what has remained the same. Beneath all the edits, there is always a good story - what I see you doing is that you are over-telling each action, when you should leave a bit of imagination to the reader.

Write in draft, how you see the story in your mind upon creation. Whatever lessons you've picked up about grammar are settled enough to not have to actively be distracted by them during the writing. After you have finished the story/chapter. Go through the actions individually and see where you have enough of an image to show the reader, and then edit the rest.

Now sometimes extra description is needed, or helps the story. But they need to be controlled. In a way, you just have 'too much story', so nothing really re-written, more of a trim.

Sit down with your story as a reader would. Read it aloud to hear how the sentences work and sound. It is a bit more time, but will save you more time at the end. Because even reading, you are learning to write better.

**

A ramble(not a critique)

I like your older writings.

Sam

Offline bowmore bill

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1043
    • View Profile
Re: second part of whispers
« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2012, 08:14:43 PM »
Thanks Sam, you are spot on with what you say, no quibble from me there.
I know That know that I over elaborate and use two or three words, when one would do.

As for the other, its criminal....PS just been modifying.

Sam Cooper

  • Guest
Re: second part of whispers
« Reply #6 on: February 27, 2012, 07:20:33 AM »
Overwriting is much easier to edit than underwriting, Bill. :)

Offline bowmore bill

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1043
    • View Profile
Re: second part of whispers
« Reply #7 on: February 27, 2012, 02:04:04 PM »
Cheers Sam!   ::)