Author Topic: A discarded trolley  (Read 347 times)

Offline weary_wanderer

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A discarded trolley
« on: February 25, 2012, 12:26:25 PM »
I saw a shopping trolley the other night
Spinning beyond control like a waltzing dancer,
But empty; both graceful and manic.
Pushed to exuberance, a grand show of stupidity
It rattled and prattled without constraint.
Discarded, yet unaware, it continued to pursue
Tirelessly.  Still, the audience were elsewhere;
Looking elsewhere.  And as the show slowed
I took my steps home, but my mind remained. 

drafty posh shark

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Re: A discarded trolley
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2012, 03:59:24 PM »
His weary like the idea  it's too wordy as it is , you can cut a lot of this
And make it stronger

a shopping trolley
waltzing like Matilda
Steely barren,
 Polished above the baskets
  and plastics... Etc

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: A discarded trolley
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2012, 04:03:44 PM »
Hi

I think if you cut it to the bone
the poem will work better.

I saw a shopping trolley the other night
Spinning beyond control like a waltzing dancer,
But empty; both graceful and manic.
Pushed to exuberance, a grand show of stupidity
It rattled and prattled without constraint.
Discarded, yet unaware, it continued to pursue
Tirelessly.  Still, the audience were elsewhere;
Looking elsewhere.  And as the show slowed
I took my steps home, but my mind remained.  


What you would have left is this--

I saw a shopping trolley
spinning beyond control.
Empty, both graceful and manic -
pushed to exuberance.
It rattled tirelessly, discarded.
The audience elsewhere;
Looking elsewhere.

~~


Just my take on this.

Sparky