Author Topic: Black  (Read 890 times)


  • Guest
« on: February 21, 2012, 08:25:09 PM »

Table turns it feels all over
hands shape it that
way. Lets follow
gravel labyrinth sure
sever ships floating
dipped from the ladle
scar in the avenue -
half rendered weekend
trip to ark Lumins,
rope taught for
fish ice whispering
cold chatter stuck
faded blocks coating
his faces.

There, eyes think with
a different curve of
sickness, thumb on petting rooms

Slightly turned surface
inconsistent chore, pulled
back along the red
exactly hung between
the rooms and the
ghosts near the hallway
before the eyes are
the windows,
and hands reach
through the daisy's
in search of the skies -
we meet the second
hall around midnight

And shoving down string
the blinds are pulled
and we see the people
behind the window.
Show us rooms we
will slip past them.
Our nights are roller
skating after dark.


Offline SparkyDashforth

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3801
Re: Black
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2012, 09:21:35 PM »
Hi Zach

I think you are a natural poet, you speak in clever imagery
and take interesting risks with your words, but

poetry is not all abstract shaping, it is about taking the reader
into a recognizable space, or to an emotional connection they can
feel.  In order to feel your work they must have clarity enough to
be able to follow a fairly consistent thread.  Now maybe its just me,
perhaps there is a theme running through this, and I am missing it.
Poetry is after all a subjective experience.  However, I feel a work like this
needs to give the reader more of a hint in the title than just 'Black.'

I think you try too hard with your visuals and neglect the clarity
of your intention.

Just my opinion though


Offline SparkyDashforth

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3801
Re: Black
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2012, 02:11:48 PM »
Looks like Zach bugged out. Pity.

I don't know what it is with newbie or young poets.  I bet if you were to ask them
how difficult it was to write a publishable novel they might answer: pretty hard.
And if you were to give them some advise about writing readable prose, they might
willingly take it.  However, dare to point out some obvious weaknesses in a poem
and they throw a hissy fit, and flounce off, muttering about unjust negative critiques.

I think it is because its assumed by those that can't write clear and original poetry,
that therefor all poetry is easy to write. I mean kids and grandma's write poetry, so why not me?  
Folks that are clueless about poetry are the most scathing of poetry in general, and those
that have not bothered to read good poetry, and have put the time in to hone their
skills are the most arrogant about their treasured works!

Human nature is truly awesome ;)

Sparkus  (desktop playing up so using that as an excuse not to do much).

drafty posh shark

  • Guest
Re: Black
« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2012, 01:06:21 PM »
I agree it's a pity as he had something and ability but also not enough to understand we all need to learn.