Author Topic: frozen  (Read 834 times)

Offline duck

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frozen
« on: February 21, 2012, 11:58:18 AM »
I am not sure if this is allowed but would like to try it nay way. This is a slightly modified version of a poem I just had in the poetry contest 57 and would like revision tips for it.Duck


for a time
my father
resists
winter, sits

at the window

engrossed in
the crystal trees,
stiffening in the wind

sometimes
on clear days
he tells me
it is art -
human limbs,
insects too,
or venusís hair
drawn from memory -

more often
his face stutters
to a halt, mid-
thought, unable to
name...

stillness

in search of signs
I touch his hands'
cold opacity,
follow shadows
at swim beneath
their skein
but find nothing corporal,
mere paper, or ghosts,
perhaps.

today, finally
he rests his gaze
on mine, smiles,
in recognition
and speaks to me,

"Michael" he says
"Michael, I am sorry".

I am sorry too
sorry that Michael,
his long dead brother,
lives on
where I
am erased.





« Last Edit: February 21, 2012, 02:18:14 PM by duck »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: frozen
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2012, 12:02:52 PM »
Hi duck -- this got one of my votes when it was in the comp, so I like it already.

The dash you have used after 'art' is distracting to me, I'd prefer an ordinary list of the things or another dash to enclose anything you think needs emphasis by separation of what the father saw in the trees -- had to read it a couple of times to see if what followed the dash had its own connotation. :)
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Offline duck

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Re: frozen
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2012, 01:47:25 PM »
Hi 510
added a dash.
I have made quite a lot of changes already - how do the versions compare?
Thanks for the vote too.
Duck

Offline 510bhan

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Re: frozen
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2012, 01:53:52 PM »
This one is much more succinct, you've removed the 'tell' that sometimes appeared in the earlier version.

follow shadows
at swim beneath [should 'at' be 'that'?]
their skein


lives on where I [I think this line needs to split after 'on]
am erased.

 :) :) :) :) :)
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Offline duck

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Re: frozen
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2012, 02:17:28 PM »
Thanks for kindnesses and quick answer. It should read 'at swim' and the line break  you suggest is fine for me too.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: frozen
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2012, 02:23:03 PM »
Now I get it ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) at swim, like in 'at play'. Duh Sio ;D
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Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: frozen
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2012, 03:30:13 PM »
Hi duck,

I don't follow the poetry contest, so this is my first viewing of this.  Good stuff.
Its a little over written for me though.
See edit below--



for a time
my father
resists
winter
, sits

at the window

engrossed in
the crystal trees,
stiffening in the wind

sometimes
on clear days
he tells me
it is art -
human limbs,
insects too,
or venusís hair
drawn from memory -.......................nice

more often
his face stutters
to a halt, mid-
thought, unable to
name... ...............................nice

stillness...................nice

in search of signs
I touch his hands'
cold opacity,
follow shadows
at swim beneath
their skein
but find nothing corporal,
mere paper, or ghosts,
perhaps.
..............................too much

today, finally
he rests his gaze
on mine, smiles,
in recognition
and speaks to me,

"Michael" he says
"Michael, I am sorry".

I am sorry too
sorry that Michael,
his long dead brother,
lives on
where I
am erased............................Ouch. Strong.

Offline drab

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Re: frozen
« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2012, 06:05:50 PM »
Hi duck,
I agree with most of Spark's edit. (Don't like 'stiff in the wind' though. I know Sparks was only suggesting where you should edit)
This is a very fine poem. You should be very pleased with yourself.
Regards
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline indar

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Re: frozen
« Reply #8 on: February 22, 2012, 01:10:26 AM »
Hi Duck. Poignant writing. Wonderful weaving of themes. I have a question: should there be that extra "s" or should it be venus' ? I'm not sure but I know someone around here is. ;)

Offline duck

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Re: frozen
« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2012, 04:20:42 AM »
Hi Drab, thanks a lot for your comments and indar too - yes Venus' would suffice.
Thanks sparky for the comments and extensive and thoughtful edit - same old problems of course of over-writing.
not sure about stiff in the wind, though it has its attractions. resists the winter appeals to me but can live without as I know why you don't like it - in the original it was expicitly his mind that was wintering.
Wold be sad to lose the whole in search of signs stanza but the comment - too much - I can relate too. will pack it away maybe for my own enjoyment or some other cause, we'll.
You have been more than generous as always.
Duck

Offline Biola

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Re: frozen
« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2012, 02:04:07 PM »
hmm like it but Sparky put more Sparks in it and made it sizzle.
biola
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