Author Topic: the lamp and the cellar  (Read 879 times)

Offline Victor

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1342
    • View Profile
the lamp and the cellar
« on: February 15, 2012, 07:49:51 AM »
the lamp and the cellar

she illumined him

dusting his mute cavern
with her feathery glow

glimpses

of parched brick walls
of mud draping the floor
old photographs
books
tattered yellowing notes
paintings  
pencil sketches
half-composed letters
alien figurines
dissolved echoes

in that haze
they could both dream
of the distant stars

one day
she died out too.

--

I'd originally titled as "the lamp in the cellar"...i dont know which works better.
« Last Edit: February 17, 2012, 03:49:34 AM by Victor »
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

hillwalker3000

  • Guest
Re: the lamp and the cellar
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2012, 12:06:16 PM »
I think 'The Lamp' might be a better title since that's the main focus of the poem. What we see when the lamp is lit.

Parts of this poem work well enough but the opening line isn't that great - 'illumined' doesn't roll off the tongue that easily and it's rather an archaic word.
I'm also unsure why you describe the cellar as a 'he'. Or are you referring to someone who lived in the cellar? It's never made clear.

I like the rest of the poem up to a point. One senses a room frozen in time - an abandoned study with everything that's left acting as a record of someone's life.

But then you spoil the image by describing 'mud draping the floor' - why is there mud inside the cellar and how can it drape the floor (windows and walls are usually draped rather than floors)

Also 'about the stars/out above' is awkward to read.

And although I understand the final couplet - that the flame of the lamp also dies eventually - the way you express it doesn't make sense.

'one day' usually implies something will happen soon rather than that something has already happened, and...

I would guess the flame died rather than the lamp - and it didn't 'die out' (which suggests it became extinct) - unless you mean lamps are no longer in fashion, in which case it's an odd observation to tack onto the end of a poem.

The word 'too' also tells us that something else 'died out' (or 'died') as well - but what? The cellar? The person who lived inside?

It's a great start, but it needs some tidying up if you want us to understand what it's supposed to be about.

H3K

Offline SparkyDashforth

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3812
    • View Profile
Re: the lamp and the cellar
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2012, 12:32:40 PM »
I love this.
No niggles. Great poeming.

sparky

Offline Cyd

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 213
    • View Profile
Re: the lamp and the cellar
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2012, 12:38:15 PM »

I originally titled it as "the lamp in the cellar"...i dont know which works better.

As is, The Lamp and the Cellar.  Becausing you're describing two, different ... personalities. 

This is sweet and actually touching.

drafty posh shark

  • Guest
Re: the lamp and the cellar
« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2012, 02:32:46 PM »
Victor, I like this it made me think of the scene at the end of the planet of the apes in the cave where the apes held the doll that talked proving that man was there first. very good 

Offline Victor

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1342
    • View Profile
Re: the lamp and the cellar
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2012, 03:51:21 AM »
thanks all for the comments. ive made just one minor change for now. ; )
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3744
    • View Profile
Re: the lamp and the cellar
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2012, 02:28:34 AM »
Hi Victor,
I like The Lamp and the Cellar, maybe because "in" sounds more as though she is captive there. Love the idea and sound of "dissolved echoes", especially followed by the haze. Such a sense of futility and loss in this piece.

Offline Victor

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1342
    • View Profile
Re: the lamp and the cellar
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2012, 07:13:58 AM »
thank you linda ; )
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17